Keep busy, that’s what I keep telling myself lying here in bed early in the morning, plan to do something today, I say this to myself everyday, I have to go shopping, walk around town, buying food for just me, looking at the food and offers I would normally buy if there were two. I drag myself up the road, tears welling up because your not going to be there to greet me. An empty house…no welcome. This I find the hardest… yes I’ve met people when I’ve been out have stopped for a chat, people have come to my home had coffee, call me if you need me anytime… do they really mean it, just words. But when the door closes and they’ve gone an empty house…
I would love to get myself out of this home I am in, disability ( MS) and living out of the way, living on a steep slope is not an option, no car, and now the dog has been re-homed to a lovely couple in a bricks and mortar large house with garden just outside our parkhome where he is having a far better life I could ever give him, he would also be pining for his master( how can one tell a dog that his master didn’t leave him, he done nothing to make him leave him nor to pass him to another dog loving owner, and he is not coming back, he " the dog " will never see his master again " the car has gone back to Lutons car manufacturing plant, Richard retired after 39 years from one of their offices many years ago, I am stuck here in Dorset, yes Dorset is a lovely place, but not so lovely when the person you went there with t start a new chapter in your life has passed away, just 3 years later…
Oh I want so much to keep busy but their is only so much I can do is this home each lonely and empty day…
I am living amongst a beautiful scenery yet hardly can venture out by foot to explore it, only wished that I could…To say I hate this illness that I was diagnosed with 4 years ago, same date that Richard passed away on, 11th April, yes how uncanny but true…Where I now live is a hikers-ramblers paradise, now if only I wasnt diagnosed with this MS at the age of 64, I am now 68, I would be out and about taking in this scenery, listening to the birds, looking as I was passing each tree, up and down the hills, looking at the sea in the far distance, if only as I know this would help to clear my head of everything that goes round and round in each day…
David, you are doing everything right, yes get out and about, enjoy what you see while you can get out and about to enjoy it, wish I had walked more with my 3 dogs ( when I had my 3 dogs ) when I had a good pair of feet and legs that would have taken me…As I have often said, never take anything for granted, no not even our body parts, our feet, our legs, our eyesight, we never know when they can be taken away from us, same for our loved ones, some things just creep up on us…
Jackie…
Hi. Jackie. You may already know that your local authority can send helpers to take you out. I suspect you may already know that but are, perhaps, not ready. Most of us, it seems, manage to get around. This morning I went for a coffee to a place we used to go when my wife was alive. I sat there thinking, (not recommended!), then a coachload of people turned up and I was distracted for a while. It’s strange how synchronicity works because a lady from the coach sat next to me and she had lost her husband a while ago. It helped me a lot to talk to her. We need people and people need us. Spirit, God, the innermost being or whatever you like to call it, can only work through us. WE provide as much comfort as we can, WE help and try and respond to another’s needs. This is that all pervading love so many talk about. Love is Spirit. It’s not something definable in a worldly sense, any more than is Spirit. Some people are psychic, I’m not or would want to be. But there is so much we don’t know, but some folk can see beyond this bodily life. Blessings.
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Hi there Jackie. Excellent advice from Jonathan. You could also contact AGE UK if you haven’t already. Presume you are a member of a local MS society that can support you through this troubled time. Look for a local community organisation that will send people to just have a chat to housebound people. We have one near us. The people that re-homed your dog would they not consider bringing the dog to visit you from time to time. I wish I could do more to help you but happy to have a chat at any time.
Love Pat xxx
Pat-Jonathan…
…Thank you both for your suggestions…I know things will come together, things have a way of working out for us, I need to take each day a it comes, one day is always better than the day before and so on…I am in contact with 2 people from Age UK but for different reasons…help with claims I am entitled to, been successful…the other helping me with this solicitor business but I haven’t broached on the subject with them a to getting out or befriending home visits, I know this is an option…I am not sure if the charities-helplines such as Cruse and Silverline might also have some help, these are options, but I have had a visit from a local church charity community angels who is trying to organise a lift to take me to Sunday morning church, this is something I asked for, they also provide a lunch club do other things as well…I know the options are out there, just some of these are easier said than done, they offer these things but not so easy to get done, same as charity that will take you to a hairdressers, now do I book my appointment for a haircut first, then contact the charity to get them to take me on that day, that time, or do I do it the other way around, see which days the charity are available to take me, then book my hair for that day and time, not always available, it will be like " which came first, the chicken or the egg,".I was once so independent, If I am gong to survive, need to take advantage of what is available…Have you noticed that a lot of these over the phone helplines aren’t available, manned over the weekends…some of our problems cant or won wait until the Monday…
Jackie…
Dear Davidmy beloved. I had to reply to you post as I can relate so much to your thoughts and comments. It is over a year now since I lost my husband. It just does not get any easier. Every hour of each day I miss him so much. I have become such a good actor when I meet people. Smile, tell everyone I am ‘fine’ go through the motions, clean, shop, chat to people. Go home, shut the door and cry my eyes out. Meals for one in the fridge when I should be cooking for two. Lonely evenings, trying to fill long days, walking, cleaning ( unnecessary when only me here ) gardening but very little enthusiasm. I go to bed each night knowing sleep will elude me but hoping I sleep not to wake up and have to go through these endless days of loneliness. My family think I must be ok now as it is just over a year ! Do they not understand I will never be ok again. Just a rudderless ship drifting with no course or purpose. I have contacted the local hospital to volunteer I just hope that will bring a little comfort. I hope so. I feel for you all and just hope that we can get through this awful path that fate or life or whatever you wish to call it has thrown our way. I just miss him so much, a wink across a crowded room, the familiarity of knowing each other so well that words are not necessary. Love and strength to you to get through this
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Yes I too put on on act, being brave especially to my family, they all are very supportive organising to take me out or coming for a chat, but when I go to say goodbye I try so hard not to get upset, they have their own lives. Close the gate, close the front door lock it, and then that’s how it all comes out, crying that my beloved David is not here to say ‘shall we have a cup of tea’. I’ve lost my soul mate, my hopes and dreams for the future, I never saw a future without him, loads of shared history between us, memories all the memories, always felt safe with him by my side. I keep telling myself I’m still young 62 got good health, I can move forward but it’s really, really hard I tick off on the calendar the days I’ve been without him. I’m trying to focus that he wouldn’t have wanted me to keep crying, I knew he was ill, and wasn’t going to get better, I cared for him till the end, these thoughts are constantly on my mind. I have got a few outings and holidays planned so I’m focusing on them, not really looking forward to them like I used to, I’d rather have my David back. People say you’re looking good, doing well, they don’t see the devastation behind closed doors.
all i can say is snap.it is the most horrible feeling ,but i promised john i would carry on as best as i can.and to look after our little dog archie.