Compassion Fatigued and So Very Lonely

[nikkepdx]

I don’t even know how to start. But I’ll try to just type and hopefully this will make sense.

I’m Nikke, 47 years old, and am here in the UK on a Spouse Visa, as my husband is a British Citizen and is at end of life. We met in the states (Portland, Oregon - West Coast of US) and started dating in 2017, fell in love, and through COVID, got engaged in 2020. In April 2021, he got diagnosed with Mesothelioma. In the years and months since then, he had every single treatment his body could take and that was available to him in the US. Nearly 40 chemo cycles, a major lung resection surgery, immunotherapy, radiotherapy….. He’s developed life-threatening reactions to a few of those along the way.

After we found out in September 2025 that after a 6 month period of no new cancer growth that his tumor was once again growing, we knew it was time to come here so he could be close to family and friends. We were given about 6-12 months at that time, though his oncologist was reluctant to give a timeline.

It’s now been about 9 months. He is still so up and down I can’t catch my breath most days. I am SO TIRED and have nearly lost my ability to be empathetic to his needs or compassionate.

I am so lonely.

I completely misunderestimated how gutting and crippling it would be to be here, with no support or people I love and who can be physically here for me when I need to vent and feel human again. I have done so many things to try to stay connected to the people I love and the community I had in the states…. I have created a WhatsApp group where I leave voice memos, request people to hop on the phone, and just generally send support to me (We have other venues that are for us both). I have gone to a few death cafes here and am going to another one tomorrow evening. I find them comforting as it’s at minimum an environment I can be in where talking about death, dying, grief is normalized and expected. I told my mother in law about it and she said, and I quote, “that’s morbid”.

I don’t even know where to stop writing, I feel like I could go on forever, so I guess I’ll stop there.

thank you for reading, Nikke x

[Brandon1]

Hi Nikki, I am sorry to hear you suffering. You are dealing with a lot and I understand how difficult it must be for you and even though you have family around, you feel lonely. My wife had two years of cancer treatments before she died on Christmas day and I was lucky that she was quite well until near the end but when you are in this situation you are grieving and at the same time trying to be a rock on which your love one can rely on for everything. Not having a way of venting your own anguish is difficult.
I hope you have found a place here that will help you in that sense to let off steam.
The death cafes sound like a good idea too.
Wishing you all the best
Tom

[Lightmary68]

Hello Nikke, so sorry for what you are going through, a lot of us here on this site know what it is to look after our loved ones before they passed….for me taking care of my husband who passed away in March, was heartbreaking, to see him get worse each day, he could do less and less each day . He thought he was a burden to me, but he wasn’t because I loved him so much, wed been married 35 years. When he passed away it broke me, it’ll take a long time if ever to feel better. Try and cherish the time you still have with your loved one, take care and God bless you

[Janka]

I come from Europe and my most beloved husband was American citizen. I could write a book of our love story, there wasn’t a thing that we couldn’t have done together and after all the obstacles and paperwork we made it. We got married in Europe and then in USA, I made him Christian and we had a wedding in church as well. It was our dream come true… When my dearest husband unexpectedly died last year, nobody cared how I felt, even though I sacrificed everything-my heath, my sleep, just to help him the best I could. If somebody would ask me, if I do it again, I will! I would die for him and I will love him for eternity… Now I’m facing many problems with his adopted greedy family who wants everything that belongs to me to put me on the street. I try to survive the best I can, but I’m so exhausted that it’s a challenge to get up and go to work. I hope that you find your way as we all do here. If I’d give up, I’ll die, so I’m here, in the place where I can find a lot of help, comfort, support and understanding…
Hugs from Janka

[nikkepdx]

Thank you so much​ I am trying every day.

We had a therapy appointment together today on zoom with our couples therapist we started with a few years ago who helped us navigate and hold the weight of what was happening. It is so clear that he is still in denial. And that makes it so much harder than it needs to be.

I can’t pretend along side him as I am barely holding on myself without my support system close and knowing I have a lot of big decisions to make when he does pass as I will once again be relocating internationally… this time by myself.

It’s all so effing hard

[nikkepdx]

Hugs right back, Janka

I am so sorry you lost your beloved … and for everything you are going through still.

it is all so brutal

[Lightmary68]

Hello nikkepdx, so sorry for what you are going through, for what both of you are going through. Im sure its hard on you trying to be supportive of your husband, I was like that with my husband, always trying to be supportive and it just broke me, I’d just go to my room and cry, it was so hard for me. All I can say is we’re here to offer any support, i know it probably doesn’t mean a lot, but we do understand, especially those who took care of their loved ones before they passed, i pray God gives you strength and comfort during these difficult times. We can still pray for a miracle, take care of yourself and may God bless you

[nikkepdx]

Thank you so much Mary

Today was hard. I know you and many more understand what these days can feel like. Much gratitude for your words xxx

[Brandon1]

Hi Nikkepdx, I am sorry to hear how you are suffering. I hope you husband comes to terms with his situation so you can be at peace together.

Wishing you all the strength you need and sending hugs

Tom

[Bumblebee12]

Hi Nikki

my husband died in February after a long battle with cancer which became terminal in December. It was so hard and I had a lot of support. I really feel for you and can still relate to all your emotions. It was hard as my husband became more and more ill, my son stayed with us for two months and we both chatted one night crying about how hard this was on all of us. You will be tired from all the appointments, living with cancer for years and the physical demands on a caregiver. If I can give you any advice it would be to take care of yourself too, have a rest regularly and take a walk even in the garden. I immersed myself in reading and would just lie next to my husband in bed watching some television. I am a busy person who runs a business but I knew I had to slow down and accept the reality of the situation. I brought in some holistic therapies and massage (feet) for my husband which meant I had someone to chat to. You will be dealing with anticipatory grief right now and that’s hard mentally and physically. I promise you that you will be okay and you will get through this. It’s going to be tough but you can do it. My husband refused to acknowledge he was dieing which made the situation so much harder. I feel for you and can acutely remember everything your going through. Please message anytime.