I don’t know where to start
He wasn’t perfect I was told to leave him no end of times by the police
There was other girls always in the back ground and he would make out it was all in my head.
He always said if I ever left he would do this and July he did just that. Leaving 5 children including our 6 month old.
He left a letter that blames me but takes no accountability for anything he did.
He broke me in life and he destroyed me in death for weeks I couldn’t function
After all this is still miss him so much , he was a shitty boyfriend but he was my best friend. I shared my life with him , turns out that he wasn’t sharing his with just me and I’m so angry at him for that.
It’s not right you chekc the grass is greener and when it isn’t and you can’t come back no longer you take your life and blame the person you’ve put through hell for years.
I feel like the letter is judge and jury and it’s all his perspective he says nothing about the girls nothing about the heartache nothing about the lies he told. Just that I didn’t love him anymore and no one compared.
I’m carrying so much guilt for not trying harder to be with him and for the 5 children his left behind.
I have no closure , I want to shout and scream and tell him it wasn’t in my head all these girls have told me now. I want to tell him there is happiness for us both in the future but with other people and his kids needed him so much.
He took it all away.
I’m functioning again I’m off all medication but his still in my head all the time. I’m 35 I have so much life left but I’m scared I’ll bring these scars with me and I do miss him so so much. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to think or feel every day is so hard.
I am so sorry, I hear your pain, anger and frustration and feel for you, it sounds like you have suffered a great deal. The death of a loved one is always painful and distressing but your situation sounds very complicated . Take a breath, take your time . It is all going to take so long to process. Just be kind to yourself and hang on in there , hopefully it will become clearer in time. Guilt is awful ,it just often comes with the death of a loved one, And we struggle with it .I often feel I am just hanging on by my finger nails sometimes but hoping it gets better.
July is only a few weeks ago it’s all still too raw for you , and suicide I can’t imagine your pain and confusion , but there are some threads on here for suicides that might help. Just type in suicide at the top of the page and you should get some links.
It sounds like you definitely need some counselling, I hope you can get some here or with your doctor. Sorry I cannot be more help but hopefully someone on here can give you some advice. I feel Just reading other people’s posts help you understand all the feelings that can overwhelm you and it’s all normal. Take care x
You have had to deal with so much, my heart goes out to you.
To have had the constant struggle before and then trying to cope with this loss you must be on emotion overload.
It’s a positive that you have reached out on this site. Our circumstances may be varied but the end is always the same …… dealing with a loss, such a life changing event.
But we are here for you and we are listening.
Keep posting and reading …… and hopefully it will help you through some dark days.
Dee xx
It is not your fault!
It seems your boyfriend lived a life with drama and confusion - he had his problems, he had his issues but none of this is your fault
You say he was your best friend, if he was your vest friend he would have treated you with more care and respect
You are hurting, you are sad but it is not your fault
Take care
Sadie x
I feel your pain, not in the same circumstances but my husband and I were separated for 3 years we have 2 children together and because of his issues with alcohol I couldn’t live like it anymore. The guilt I feel thinking could I have done more even though he was putting me through so much I miss him like mad! I’m angry with him for not accepting the help he could’ve had and that we his family tried to get him, the not accepting responsibility for his issues that caused us to separate, and for leaving me with this situation where we all miss him terribly, especially his 2 girls who adored him but knew his struggles. He didn’t end his own life but he did kill himself through alcohol so I can feel all the emotions you are feeling. I’m also 35 and it feels so unfair at our young age to have to feel like this and try and support our children through such a terrible time in their lives, ultimately it is them we feel the pain for! Hopefully this gets easier 
Hi Kayla,
Reading through your post, it seems to me you already know that you are not to blame for the choices he made. If you are guilty of anything, it’s loving him more than he deserved. It sounds like you tried your best, and he used your love, commitment and dedication as a weapon against you.
I’m so sorry for your loss - it must be shattering to lose a loved one that way. I hope in time you find peace with yourself. You and your children deserve it.
Bob
Hi. I am much older than you. In my 60’s but I understand your pain. My husband died from Covid 10 months ago. He too drank far too much and myself and children begged him to stop for his health but he just said he enjoyed it and wouldnt ease up. With the drink issue came moodiness etc and he would take it out on me verbally. Despite this I guess I still loved him because I miss him so much. I so wish our last years together could have been more harmonic. It tears me apart
Hi Badger
Try not to regret too much that your last years were not harmonious - I am sure you did all that was possible- when alcohol takes over it is very hard for all involved
Sending you love
Sadie x
I’m apologise in advance for what I’m about to say.
Firstly let me say how sorry I am for your loss, it must bring to the surface so many emotions whilst trying to reason the reasons why. Blame shouldn’t be one of these emotions but as human beings we tend to question our own part in things.
There is no blame for the act, not with him and certainly with you. He must have had his own problems but he hasn’t done this because of anything you did or didn’t do, even though he threatened to.
The fact that he threatened to makes me suspect that in your relationship he was controlling. This letter is his last attempt to control you. He’s deliberately attempting to transfer blame for his death to you.
Give it back to him.
He says no one measures to you, so why did he keep trying with others, why didn’t he respect you enough to put you top of his list not just in life but at the end when he wrote that letter. He knew what he was writing, he wanted it to hurt you, yet no one measured up to you. He chose to be with others and took it for granted that you’d keep forgiving.
I don’t doubt you love him, you can’t just turn off those feelings and you will feel for your little one growing up not knowing him but none of this is your fault. He must have had his own problems but they were his to own. I feel for him as it sounds as though he needed help, not just at the end but it sounds as though he lacked self esteem and needed to feel in control, if you
Sit quietly and write a list of reasons to love him and I’m sure there are many but be honest with yourself and add to the list how he hurt you and how you felt in your relationship. Did you feel free to be you? Did you unknowingly adjust your behaviour?
You say you carry guilt ask yourself why?
This is a form of coercive behaviour, look up Gaslighting. Get help please.
Put that letter away and don’t look at it until you have worked through this and will see it for what it is. Hope you feel a little better than when you wrote this post. What is important is that you recognise the problems.
Hello
I need this today
I miss him immensely but I miss the person I thought he was , the person I fell in love with, my best friend. It’s hard to take on board he was none of them things , I feel like I’ve been loving a stranger for years, I kept telling myself he would change but he had no intention of it. I think he enjoyed the second life he had, he thought if I didn’t know about it then it was ok for him to do as he pleased.
Your right about his self esteem he heavily edited his pictures and you would think he was worth millions the way he played out his life online , really he was on disability and not working.
I’m angry he wrote such a vile letter and addressed it to everyone including his mum and other children’s mums it’s like he was building his army of hate because I weren’t playing ball anymore. Again your right how can you do that to someone you love ?
The amount of things women coming out the woodwork now is crazy I don’t know how he had time he seemed to everyone go to or everyone’s best friend everyone knew who he was and I don’t know any of this people it’s so hurtful.
I told him before while his being everyone else’s superhero his not being mine but he wouldn’t listen he lived for social media so much I blocked him on all mine because I couldn’t watch the show he put on.
He was very controlling , trackers on my car , wrote nasty things in permanent marker on my driving license abd bank card , he would turn up when I was out , lie to my face even when I had evidence in front of me.
I don’t doubt he loved me and he could be the most loving person ever that’s the person I miss but I honestly believe he didnt know how to really love someone.
When his lies caught up with him and he finally realized he didn’t want anyone else he knew he had lost me so he left us all and let me take the fall for it.
I can’t forgive that.
I don’t think I ever will
I thank you so much for your words
I just wish I’d have seen his behaviour years ago and walked away.
He took 5 years of my life and now I have to fight everyday to make sure he doesn’t take anymore. 
x
I was once in a long relationship and happ but heavy. We had everything. We both had good jobs, built our own home, had a number of rental properties and new cars on the drive. We never quarrelled of even had a cross word.
I sat there one afternoon sobbing, not for any real reason and my husband came home for lunch. He walked in and said ‘you can turn the waterworks on’ then walked into kitchen and put kettle on. I sat and thought when I feel strong I will leave. A couple of years on I went to see a solicitor start divorce proceedings and was told to go away and think why I wanted a divorce as I couldn’t say anything bad about him.
We never did divorce and I loved him dearly. We have two beautiful children who have children of their own.
He passed almost 4 years ago, just under 2 years after my daughter lost her son. A year on and I went for bereavement counselling and on the 5th session my counsellor said she couldn’t believe the way things had turned out. It took me those sessions to see that I didn’t know who I was. We never quarrelled because I always did as I was asked. He wasn’t pushy or aggressive I’d have seen that. We could get to a point in a conversation and I’d have agreed with his suggestion without realising and I couldn’t see how this was the case. I realised that he’d found fault with all my friends and although he never treated them unkindly I knew he didn’t like them so I gave up asking them around and made excuses not to meet up, usually following one of our conversations. As a result we lost touch. I always worked so never felt isolated and we went out as family so never really noticed. I was a nurse but if children were ill and I made a decision he’d mock me. If I spoke to an elderly man at supermarket I was having an affair or he’d say ‘why do you think they’d want to listen to you?’ I’m quite confident and a good mixer where as he appeared confident but not in the same way as I. People tend to confide in me and he’d ridicule me. I felt I had to ask his permission, no maybe approval to go out to lunch with friend.
During the few months that we split he told friends that my son would give him his pocket money for safe keeping as I’d spend it. He’d use my son as a pawn to get at me and this in part I now realise is why i went back. He wrote the most horrible 3 page letter and sent it to friends and some family, I found a diary where he’d marked my every move and if confronted he’d deny or be able to make me think I deserved it. I loved him and didn’t or maybe didn’t want to see.
The counselling sessions left me with more questions than answers. I love this kind considerate and family first person but the per sad on who was out of control, the one who wrote that letter, I didn’t even know… I didn’t even put responsibility for that letter on his shoulders, I took responsibility for it… I left. I hurt him therefor I deserved it. At least that’s what I felt then. Now I wish I had him in front of me so I could tell him I see what he did to me. I see why I felt so tearful during those times when to the outside world I had it all. I’d tell him how small he is and how I stand head and shoulders above. If only he’d realised I’d never have trampled him, I’d have dragged him along and opened paths for him to grow. I am grateful that I was strong or I could have been broken. Since he’s gone I’m angry that I didn’t know all this, that he’d not here for me to put this to rest and I’m confused as to which parts of the past 38 years are real… or true. I look at his photo, sometimes he’s my husband who I love and cherish and who made me smile. Other times I want to wring his neck. The important thing is I see him faults and all. I realise I can’t go back and even if I could I can’t change anything. I try to see our marriage as the warm, safe and loving time it was and try not to taint it with what I now know, but going forward I’m very much aware… and recognise the behaviour in people. I suppose what I’m saying is every decision we make in life there is a counter argument. Just choose the route that’s right for you at that time. It may not be in the long term but none of us can see in to the future. Learn from now.