Completely Different Passings

When I lost my mum in 2018 it was so peaceful.After being diagnosed in the August of stage 4 non hodgkins Lymphoma she was awake the day before and eating little nibbles of banana from my finger, sitting up in the bed, was able to reach her hand up to touch my daughters face. She drifted off to sleep that afternoon with the help I suppose of the morphine in the syringe drive and passed so peaceful in her sleep, out of pain, in the early hours of the following morning with myself holding her hand and my eldest brother beside me, 60’s music playing softly in a dim lit room.

Losing my brother was completely different and I feel it has traumatised me slightly. Having been diagnosed in December with suspected secondary brain tumours of unknown origin, we knew it was end of life care only, as a biopsy could not be done due to the location and multitude of tumours and having been blue lighted to Edinburgh 50 minutes from home with fluid on the brain and having a EVD drain inserted for this was making the conformation of secondary brain cancer or Lymphoma of the brain very difficult so this was in fact guessed by symptoms etc and CT and MRI’s on the brain were also used to confirm the tumours.
After suffering from pneumonia after his 3rd time being intubated in ICU his lung collapsed and they struggled to get this to inflate fully so this caused some what breathing changes itself. One of the tumours was growing and pressing on the brain stem and spinal cord. The changes in personality were happening daily and he was becoming agitated and delirious at times, this was too much for his body and his lungs deteriorated. They decided after 3stays in ICU and nothing improving that the best course of action was to make him as comfortable and pain free as possible. 2 syringe drivers were used to keep him pain free and comfy.

Now, if you ever met my brother you would know by the first meeting that he was a joker, a prankster and just had such a contagious sense of humour and up until the very last hour he still carried that on. joking with the nurses with his non verbal communication. Knowing he was not happy with something with his raised eyebrows, or telling me to break him out of hospital to go for a walk with his running finger movements. Giving him water on the little sponges and when I would put the cup down go get a paper towel to wipe any Id dripped he would point to it again…knowing fine well he was taking the piss and didnt really want any more just wanted me at his beck and call, cheeky grin on his face…then, staring at me wide eyed and reaching out, he wasnt breathing. I ask if he cant breath, is he choking and he nods…grabbing my arm as I call for the nurses thinking he is choking on something, he is still wide eyed and staring at me gasping for air but cant seem to get any and the nurses stand at the foot of the bed as I scream for them to help him…hes choking help him…the shake of the head tells me this is it…but I’m not ready. We were just laughing together, I’M NOT READY! My head is on his chest begging him to breath, as he still grips my arm pulling closer. When I finally look up the nurse is checking his pulse, and he nods and says ‘Im so sorry’.

How can this happen this way. I will NEVER forget the look on my brothers face of fear. He was 49 years old. My best friend the closest thing I ever had to my mum. And this is how it ends.

How can this happen!

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