Completely overwhelmed

I’m finding that as the days and weeks are increasing, I am feeling worse on a daily basis.
My sleep is worse, I am eating less as constantly feel sick, my anxiety keeps spiking and I have no motivation to do anything much at all.
My youngest daughter (16) is really struggling as well and I am at a loss as to how to help her get through this. She is on a waiting list for counselling at school but we are both finding that the usual coping strategies we use are just not helping.
I am so worried about her especially.
We’ve been away for a few days and have made some nice plans for the school holidays but nothing really helps.
Friends are trying their best but family are really not interested and have gone back to their daily lives. And I don’t want to talk to many people anyway.
There is still so much to do with sorting out my husbands estate, the house and garden, daily tasks and chores, supporting my kids, the list feels endless ….yet I can’t get organised to get anything done. People looking in would think I’m coping but I feel like I’m just constantly trying to hold it all together to stop my world caving in.
I used to be so able to deal with life but I suppose I always had my other half to help out, share the parenting and we would support each other always.
I feel the need to grieve properly, but I can’t just not be there for my kids, and I am finding that by trying to contain it, it is just spilling out all over the rest of my life.
Are there any other parents in similar circumstances who have any advice ?
It’s coming up to 4 months since my husband died, aged 56, after a short fight with a rare and very aggressive cancer.
He was a hugely involved husband and dad to our 4 kids and so has left a great big hole in our lives.

H Ronnie,
I haven’t got any wise words or advice. Just wanted to say that you are not alone in these feelings. It is just an avalanche of poo, all the admin, chores and problems seem overwhelming. You did amazingly to get away for a few days. I get wobbly walking into a shop. My kids are older, although my daughter has learning difficulties. She can’t talk but keeps signing ‘Daddy - nurse - crying’. We just cuddle under a throw on the sofa watching rubbish tv.
Sending a big hug. Xx

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Take one day at a time, dont overwhelm yourself with loads of things. When you do that you’re mind cant cope and it goes onto panic mode. Take comfort in you’re kids, they are you’re strength now. Getting councilling for you’re daughter is the right way forward. Maybe you need councilling together as a family unit. This grief is a long journey and nobody knows when it will get easier. Everyone copes differently but we are all going through the same journey. Big hugs x

Good @roni52

Im afraid I’ve got no wirds of advice.

But I am sending you a great big hug. X x

Hi @roni52 , I think we both lost our other halves on the same day (12th March) so it’s coming up to 4 months for me as well .
I have similar feelings to you , kind of used to the fact she’s not here now and don’t expect to see her everywhere around the house , but this week especially I have just started to feel more and more sad all the time , can’t be bothered doing anything . Maybe it’s the realisation that she’s not coming back ( I think subconsciously I’ve been kind of thinking she will be there one day and all this is just a temporary thing for me and the kids to get through, if you get what I mean ) ?
My daughters 18 and she has been having counselling which seems to be helping her , both her and my 24 year old son are coping much better than me with our loss though , maybe it’s youth I don’t know but they seem to be a lot better at just carrying on with normal (ish) life , whereas I’m getting worse , missing her so much and really can’t see the point in another 20-30 years of feeling like this , even though I know I have to be there and strong for the kids ( try not to show them how bad I’m feeling ) .
My daughter and I went to Venice a couple of weeks ago which was lovely , I honestly feel like just getting on a plane and going back there indefinitely !

Thanks @Dino13 - yes 12th March is our date too.
Everything you say completely resonates with me.
My oldest is also 24 and is getting on with life as I suppose he has to, and my other 2 are doing ok - still wobbles and upset but at least have a path that they are heading on as both at Uni.
My youngest at 16 was doing so well and carried on going to school and did all her exams, but now that’s all over and the holidays are here she is really struggling. She has started getting tics and I know she must feel completely abandoned as her best friend has dumped her for a new boyfriend, family who said they would be there for her haven’t been in touch, and now her swim coach is leaving, which I think just makes her feel very vulnerable.
I know she worries about me so like you I try hard to hide my distress from them, but it’s getting harder to do, the worse I feel.
I haven’t gone back to work as I don’t feel able to yet ( I have a stressful job as an nhs mental health worker) so I have long days to fill, but also feel I need to be here for her at least over the summer as she is worried about being alone all day.
That’s great you got away. Did you enjoy it ?
We have a couple of trips planned but just in this country as just feeling too sad really.
It’s reassuring to hear someone else with similar issues and story. But so sorry we are both here and struggling so much at the moment

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Hi Roni, when I was looking for support online I noticed that Cruse had a section offering support to children and young people. Maybe there could be something helpful for your daughter. I am so sorry she is suffering. Sorry if I am telling you about something you already know about.
Hugs xx

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Yes we had a great time , was very strange though ( as my wife and I went last November for my birthday , so I wanted to go as I loved the place ) , was lovely to be with my daughter but she wasn’t my wife if you know what I mean :cry: really glad we went though as now I can associate Venice with my daughter rather than the last place I went to with my wife .
My daughter should have been going to uni in September but wasn’t able to take her A levels this year , her mum was referred to the coroner so we couldn’t have the funeral for over a month ( late April ) so she had missed too much college and her mind really wasn’t on catching up and revising for exams in May .
She’s very clever ( certainly doesn’t get that from me ) and wouldn’t have accepted lower grades than she knows she is capable of ( meaning not getting any of her uni choices ) . College have been great about repeating the year so she’s going to do that .
Thing is even though I love my kids and would die for either of them , I can’t help feeling cheated , we did everything for them & with them , were such a close family , sacrificed a lot to bring them up properly , but now it was supposed to be our time to do things just the 2 of us more , but that’s all been ripped away and I’m left picking up the pieces and know the kids need me more than ever . Whereas I’m just so emotionally tired by life .
It’s really shit we are in this situation isn’t it , especially as you seem similar to me ( as in always putting the kids first etc ) when there are so many scumbags in the world who are still alive wasting air .

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So sorry.

I believe Childline supports young people up to 19.

I know everyone thinks it’s just for child abuse but I don’t think it is.
Maybe check it out?

Big hug,

Rose

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Seesaw.org.uk. Has links xx

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Hi Roni,

So sorry to hear you are feeling overwhelmed this is perfectly normal at this stage you have been on an auto pilot recently.

Concentrate on you & your Daughter the jobs can wait!, it’s easy for us to be very self critical of ourselves so think what advice you would give a patient of yours that is suffering with MH issues after a close bereavement!
One technique that has worked for me is journaling one positive thing that happened the previous day before getting up in the morning even if that was got up had a shower, cleaned my teeth and went back to bed!
Don’t go writing endless lists of jobs as we then just beat ourselves up!

Please don’t bottle up your feelings and talk about them with your Daughter she will appreciate your honesty and treating her as a young adult.

Have you spoken with a GP or the Social Practitioner (if there is one) at your Doctors surgery?

The Cruse website page that Willow mentioned is:-

Take care :blue_heart:

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Thanks willow. We feel so responsible for our kids don’t we and would do anything for them. But it’s so hard to be a parent when we are grieving and trying to juggle our grief and everything else

Hope things get less stressful for you soon and your daughter, and you get some respite from your pain.
Sending a hug xx

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Thankyou for your kind words @N8658
You are right - We are all going through this horrible journey and I hope your day has been as good as it can be xx

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Thankyou @Liro for your support.
Sending a hug back to you as well.
Xx

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Thanks Rose
Sending a big hug your way. Xxx

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Thanks @Heartbroken1937
Good advice and will take that on board.
Sending a big hug.xx

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Thanks to all who responded to my struggling post this morning. I was feeling so low and the support and advice you all
offered has really helped me and I feel less stressed this evening and a bit more optimistic.

It’s been hard the last few weeks as I’ve tried to let my grief out as I thought I needed to, but I realise that I can’t let that happen all at once as I then won’t be able to be there for my kids. I’m not sure if I can but I’m going to try control my grief so that I can support them best I can and not fall apart, which is how I’ve been feeling lately.
I have no idea how to do this but it will be my new challenge - maybe I’ve just been stuck at the bottom of that rollercoaster and am back on my way up.
To be honest I have no idea what is happening or what to do for the best.
But I hope my kids feel loved and that I am there for them always, as that’s the best I can probably offer at the moment.
Hopefully with that all out I will get a better nights sleep, and I hope you all have a peaceful night.
Sending love, hugs and strength.xx

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