Complicated childhood

Hi folks
My mum died last week. I had been estranged from her for just over a year. I supported her following dad’s conviction for domestic abuse, she almost died six years ago.
She changed so much and became suspicious paranoid and quite evil to me and other family members. I took all I could and following the breakdown of my own marriage, I ended up in a women’s refuge myself.
Our family dynamics have always been dysfunctional. My mum had told my cousin she loved me and that I had not had a good childhood the day before she died. I feel like I’m falling down a black hole, of guilt anger and regret I would welcome advice

Suziwuki, your story is hard to read and your feelings are all part of grieving but with what you have gone through you need time to heal emotionally. I really hope you can find the right place for you were you can relax and enjoy the rest of your life. Don’t be hard on yourself because you have done nothing wrong and I hope the refuge will organise counselling for you, it would help with all your emotions. I am thinking of you and wishing you a happy life. S xxx

Thank you xx