Complicated emotions relating to the sudden death of my mum


I want to be brief to begin with as I have found talking about the death of mum very difficult. It’s not because I find it difficult to talk, far from it. I find talking about the death of mum very hard because although she died in July just gone, her death was totally unexpected and sudden. I am still struggling to come to terms with the fact that she is gone and trying to unpack the multitude of layers of feelings and thoughts I have about her death is really hard.
I don’t know if here is the right place to begin looking at my feelings and sharing similar experiences with others but i am willing to give it a go, thank you for reading!

Hi Paulika,
I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. I totally understand why you find it difficult to talk about her death. I joined this group a while ago now after reading messages for several weeks and then I plucked up the courage to wipe my first post. Since I started talking about my mum and her death I’ve not looked back. There are a lot of lovely people her who chat regularly and it’s been a huge comfort to me to be able to share stories and feelings with them. I get more out of this site than anywhere else.
My mum died suddenly and unexpectedly at the end of August. She was on holiday with my family and we were staying in the same holiday cottage we’ve used for many years. We were all having a great time until the last day when I woke up and discovered her sat up in her bed with breathing difficulties. An hour or so later it was all over, she was gone forever and I’m still haunted by the memories of that day and seeing her struggling to breath and me being helpless. That day I got up went downstairs first and did the sodding washing up before I went back up to discover her. I still feel guilty about that amongst other things. My daughter who is 6 was already downstairs watching tv and told me that grandma wasn’t very well. It was her heart in the end. I’m gutted, things shouldn’t have happened but it did. It still doesn’t make sense.
The end of that holiday was the worst time I’ve ever experienced. Packing up her holiday things was awful. Going home without my mum was awful. I don’t know how I survived the days following, it was hell. I never knew it was possible to experience so many emotions until now.
I don’t think there is a right place to start talking about your experience. I’ve spent months trying to understand my feelings and I’m still not sure.
Say whatever you feel, it really is good to talk here. I’m not going to demand information from you but feel free to talk about your mum. Tell us what she was like. How have you coped up until now? What’s the biggest thing you are struggling with at the moment? I have really really struggled at times to write certain things so I do understand. My thoughts are with you.

Hi paulika,
My mum died very suddenly in june and I have tried talking to people, had 6 sessions of bereavement counselling and read several books on grief, bit the only comfort I get is from talking on this site with the friends that I have made.
Happy to listen to your story if you want to tell it?
My lovely mum lived with me and did all my childcare, brought us alot of happiness here and we shared our life together.
On the 2nd june my partner wasnt happy with her. She was a little confused and kept dropping things. My mum was very with it normally and pretty much ran the house. He took her to hospital, much against her wishes and they found that she had suffered a mini stroke. Over the next few days they discovered that her carotid artery was 95 percent blocked and she needed an op to clear the blockage to prevent any future strokes.
Mum was in really good form on the day of the surgery on the 13th june and we laughed and joked about our holiday that was coming up and I told her she musnt scare us again once this was all done and dusted. Mum suffered a severe bleed on the brain just 15 minutes into the recovery room and never regained consciousness.
I have lost my very best friend and, 7 months down the line, am existing rather than living.
Cheryl x

Hi Paulika

I think what you’re describing is perfectly “normal” my mum also does very suddenly and o still struggle to talk about it.

On here I am fine, because I know it is only words i am writing down and no one can see me, in real life I still can’t talk about it or explain what happened.

I think, it’s because we don’t want to accept it so it’s our brains way of shutting down and making it difficult to think/speak about it. There are plenty of people on here who will listen to you and you can share as little or as much as you like xx

Paulika, I’m sorry for your loss.
My Mum passed away suddenly in October 2019 from pneumonia and a sudden heart attack. Even the hospital were surprised by the sudden turn of events. The people on these forums have been a comfort and a blessing. They’ve help me feel less alone and often make me realise that how i feel is totally normal. They have on occasion kept me sane.
Speaking to people who are having a rough day too - helps greatly.

Same here unfortunately. We struggle to understand it. My dad passed away in his sleep. No symptoms, no signs, he was literally here and then not here. He was in his 70’s which is not super old anymore. I watched on this forum before posting. Its very comforting here.

Yeah I am similar. My mum passed away on 1st January. She did have COPD but was coping with it. We had just bought a new house mum, dad and I and she loved it. Was planning the next chapter of our life in the new house. Next minute her COPD seemed to worsen, mum was rushed to hospital, I remember saying to her as she left the house that I would see her in the hospital. I followed the ambulance and when she reached the hospital she was in a coma, The next 4 hours was watching and hoping she would wake up but she did not. All of our dreams are now gone. I have a lovely house which just does not seem the same without mum. Each morning is such a struggle to get out of bed. I still have my dad and trying to be strong for him, I worry if he will get too lonely without my mum around. I just do not know how to move forward, she was only 73 and I miss her so, so, so much it hurts.

Hi Barrie
I bought a large bungalow in aug 2018 and persuaded my mum to come and live with me. She had her own living room , bedroom and bathroom and loved the. She decorated them and put a large tv in the wall, bought new sofas, wardrobe and bed. She was so excited. Suddenly in june she had a severe bleed on the brain and never woke up.
Now I live in this lovely house without her and all I want to do is sell.

Hi Cheryl
Thanks for replying to my mail. Not sure if you are on Facebook but would be great to chat some more. I cannot seem to get private messages to work on here and I do not want to take over some one else’s thread. I am finding it really difficult to move forward without my mum and one of the hardest things is that she did not get a chance to fully enjoy the house. Knowing that you did similar would be great to chat some more.

I’m so sorry that you find yourself here Paulika. Like you, I have just joined because I recently lost my mum and I am struggling to cope. I don’t think that there would ever have been an ‘easy’ way to lose her but the world really did turn on its head in an instant. One afternoon she was buying her turkey for Christmas, the next morning she was gone…
I don’t have great words of advice but instead hope that we can all take comfort in each other and in knowing that we ‘get it’. No platitudes, no expectations of swift recovery, no uncomfortable gazes. Just understanding. I have only been browsing a short while and can already see that we are not alone. I am so very sorry to see that so many of us find ourselves here - daft really given I guess that losing a parent is usually the ‘normal’ order of things. I just know that there is nothing ‘normal’ about this. Sending you hugs xx

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Hi Shaun73 and all the others here who have read my initial post and responded.
I think one of the hardest things for me to do is to find a place to start, something I am doing now I realise, but as I read all of the comments and yours, my mind jumps from place to place so quickly it feels difficult to find closure anywhere. I think I am rambling probably whilst making some sense at the same time.
I want to respond to your story Shaun73 and find myself torn between wanting to acknowledge how bloody awful your story is and trying to hold onto why I am here using this forum. One of the things I felt very strongly when mum first died was how selfish I felt when in the presence of others. I felt like I was the only one suffering and the only one who had the right to be suffering as it was my mum who had died. Being around other people who have every much right as I do in having feelings and experiences and opinions just feels like a massive distraction to me. I guess i am saying that I want to acknowledge your story and others but need to be able to tell mine initially without having to listen to others straight away. I hope this is possible here as I don’t want to appear uncaring or rude. Do you think this is possible?

Hi Paulika
I wanted to respond to your question as it really did resonate with me. I have had very similar feelings. My partner and I have been together three years and recently moved in together at end of November last year. Three weeks later, my mum died. It was me that found her. Obviously it has affected him too, but I feel angry and selfish with my feelings because I feel like its happened to me, it was me that found her and it was my mum so why is he indulging himself in his emotions? Yes, I probably sound like a brat but I feel so bloody angry and sad. My sister has been supportive but I even think at times ‘you weren’t the one that was there, that found mum had died. You didn’t experience that shock’ and want them all to acknowledge that. They did to begin with but its been four weeks now and I still feel in pain but feel I cant talk about it because my partner says he feels like he doesnt know what to do or say. So what I’m saying is, tell your story on here. Say how you feel. I’m not offended if others dont acknowledge my story. What you have shared really helped me as I thought I was the only one feeling the way I did. My mums death had made me feel like I’m the only one who is suffering and has the right to be suffering and I feel angry and selfish for feeling this way.

Hi Paulika, take your time, you will have a lot of listeners here. Others tell their stories because it helps them to get through the same things and also it’s a way of making others feel like they are not alone in this horrible situation. Of course your interest is your own mum, just like mine is with my mum and your own grief is personal to you and matters to you.
Take your time and start wherever you feel most comfortable. You will find in time that talking through your emotions and feelings with others here will help. This has helped me enormously and also I had some lovely offers from some close friends and I went out for long walks with them and talked through my experiences. This helped to soften the sharp edges of grief and allow me to see through the emotional fog.
It is a complicated time and one if the hardest things for me was to work out exactly what was going on in my head because of course nothing seems to make sense anymore. I did struggle for some time with the whole, why am I even on this forum, I shouldn’t be here etc. I’ve been here for a few months now and I’ve got a lot out of it from others.
I hope you can do the same so feel free to chat when you next feel like you want to. I’ll only tell you to get lost if you say horrible things to me which of course you haven’t.

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