Complicated grief / parent loss / addiction / military fams

Opening a rather specific chat but also I cant be the only one… i think its a niche that if you’re in it its so relatable but its hard to find the people that understand ?
Grew up in the army, dad was away at war on tour and came back a broken different man … never quite got him back as I remember from my really early youth. I know he saw some dark shit and didn’t deal with it, but that wasnt my fault and feel so let down that i lost out on having a present parent as a result.
Childhood of alcoholism and a disassociated dad for him to then leave when I was 18 to persue an affair, bankrupt us and reject us.
Only 4 years later when he had a stroke did he become emotionally available again but with that came the burden of watching him struggle to exist in a broken body and then when covid hit and he was isolated the drink took over again and he drunk himself to death. I never got the chance to say goodbye as I was working abroad.
Now Im left with unresolved guilt, anger, childhood trauma and abandonment issues. I miss him, I hate him, I feel robbed.
Not sure what to do with these very complex emotions so ive blurted this brief summary here which doesnt even begin to do it all justice.
I really just want to talk. None of my friends understand and my family cant talk about it.

Hello @bellc,

Thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry for everything that you have gone through. You are not alone. You might want to connect with @Omi, who shared this thread recently:

You deserve a space to talk and to be heard. We offer free counselling if you feel some one-to-one support might help. You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.

Take good care and keep reaching out,