Hiya Everyone,
Looking for some last minute advice.
To give you some context; my fiancé passed away a month ago. He had historically used drugs in the past, we had a huge row about some of his controlling behaviour and some images of me I’d found that he’d posted about me online without my consent. Essentially, without going into the details, he was incredibly narcissistic and sometimes physically abusive. He had stolen from me, used my credit cards without consent, shared explicit imagery, and after his passing, I found he had begun pursuing another relationship in secret.
I really wish it was as simple as discovering this brought me peace, and made me not in love with him, but as anyone who has been in this situation knows, this is never quite that simple. I loved him, entirely, even after everything he put me through. He spent the last 5 days of his life by himself, consuming endless amounts of cocaine, and drinking, which eventually led to his death, where he collapsed with a heart attack.
I was completely broken, and my mind has flip-flopped between the realisation that he is gone, and how much I miss the “good” parts of him, our memories and time spent together, and the other side of me that feels somewhat relieved. I know the standard response to this is to probably tell me that him dying probably saved me, that I could finally break the cycle, but the reality was that I was addicted to the good days, the calm days and the intermissions of peace, happiness and love.
His funeral is in the next few days, and I need to know… should I go? His family are obviously choosing to mourn him as their son, brother, etc… but I feel somewhat disrespectful turning up to a funeral in a very different mindset to them. They had no idea of what I endured, apart from them being aware of his relationship with another woman, which I had evidence of. There was a time his Mother saw bruising on my arm, and questioned me, but I chose to stay and as far as they knew, we were happy.
I know that if I go I will have to maintain a degree of pretence, because a huge part of me is angry he passed away, it was almost the easy way out, he never got any comeuppance for what he did to me and others, one of which who was so terrified of him she relocated her family, left her job and sold everything, as he had been arrested for stalking.
I just need to know, what would others do in this situation?
