My mum and me never spoke for 15 yrs before she passed …she was vile to me in them yrs always slagging me off to someone or posting crap on social media and if im honest i genuinely thought i would only ever be free of her nastiness and bitterness when she was dead…how wrong was i …my sister told me she had cancer and that rest of my ‘family’ didnt want me to know but fair do to my sister she kept me updated anyhow she died and i was told to keep away from funeral…the worst day of my life was the day they buried her my heart was genuinely breaking in half i was shocked at the feelings i had …anyhow its coming up 2 yrs and im struggling like hell my husband doesnt understand how i can miss someone who made my life hell but i dont miss the woman she was them last yrs i miss the one who before all this was a fantastic mum and friend …ive never felt guilty about not going to see her when she was dying…not that my dad brothers would of allowed it anyway and im sure.if she wanted to see me to make peace she would of but she chose not to…but im struggling ive had grief before but this is something ive never experienced…having no one acknowledge your grief is awful and i know many people thought she cant of been that bothered they never spoke for many yrs but this is crippling…debilitating its affecting my every day life…my relationship with my kids my husband and i find i feel dead emotionally but i think that’s my way of protecting myself from getting hurt
Oh Tracy I’m so sad for you to have gone through this. I thought when mum died it wouldn’t affect me as much as it has done. I was always closer to dad. But 2 and a half years on and I’m still absolutely devastated. Please feel free to message me and if I can offer any help I’ll be glad to. 
Hi Tracy, sorry to hear about your mom. I lost my mom 6 months back and I wasn’t talking to her properly for 6 months before she passed away, I needed their help and they could never do it, I had a big setback in my career and I kept on blaming her. I stopped talking to her even after she trying to make things better but I was depressed and I blamed them for everything. She was still living her life and enjoying but one day she just disappeared within mins and on my lap at midnight. I can’t forget that day till today. All I can say is don’t be too hard on yourself, Ik I still struggle and it is easy to say but trust me you being a mother is something she would have been proud of, my mom never will get to see my achievements, wedding or my kids. Please feel free to message me anytime if you feel low, I can understand what you are going through. Take care and please be kind to yourself
My mother wasn’t nice to me either but I grieved for her and still get upset about it. She died over 28 years ago. I have felt guilty but I don’t think I needed to. I did help her. She had a mental illness and she had I think things wrong with her when she was being nasty. I told her and she thought it should not matter. She probably did some things ok. But the upsetting thing was treating my brother better because he was an easier personality. I feel sad about how she was. But I had to protect myself.
I still go to her grave once a year and an putting a belated headstone there.