I’m new here so hope I am posting in the right place
I feel like I am grieving wrong
It will be two years in December since my grandmother who raised me died. We had a complicated relationship, i estranged from my family for many years and still mostly don’t have a relationship with them
Since she died my life has been a mess. It didnt start immediately and I don’t know what has just been stress created by unfortunate circumstance, very limited support network and having autism but I definitely experienced regressing back into an old version of me that was not healthy, a codependent version
It’s as though I was trying to be her daughter again to keep her alive or more likely out of guilt for saying ‘no’ all those years ago to the family toxicity. Anyway, the regression resulted in an abusive relationship with someone that was covertly narcissistic. In typical ‘repetition compulsion’ I attracted a relationship with someone like her
It’s been been very damaging while also revealing another layer of how abusive my grandmother actually was as well as the depth of neglect, abandonment and abuse perpetrated by her. It’s as though now she has finally gone I can see it, feel it, grieve it—I’ve never known pain like it
The grieving process has been very damaging and reflected in many ways the damaged done in my relationship with her. I’ve even reverted back to old self-harming habits I used to have as a kid and as much as I am aware of this it’s hard to stop it
It’s over all isolating because there are no people to grieve with, most people have lovely stories about parents and how they miss them and all the rest and I think it’s quite taboo to openly talk about complicated feelings towards deceased people
I don’t miss her at all, I am broken by the fact the one person I thought maybe cared was not very caring at all, in fact the opposite and maybe her death helped me come out another layer of denial
If anyone has any thoughts or relevant experience to share that would be much appreciated
Thanks for reading