I lost my dad 3 weeks ago and I am struggling to come to terms with it. It still doesn’t feel real, I felt as though I wasn’t present at the funeral and had hoped I would feel a sense of closure afterwards. My relationship with my dad was complicated. His alcoholism caused aggressive, abusive behaviours and destroyed our family also resulting in him developing alcohol related dementia. He was living in a residential home due to declining health and vulnerability, during COVID we couldn’t visit, it was almost a relief at the time from the heartache of seeing him and his life decline. Something over this last while was pushing me towards seeing him again more regularly then the news he was critically ill came, I didn’t hesitate to go to him. Myself, my daughter, my mum and sister were all by his bedside despite all that has passed between us, he knew we where there and we all got to tell him we loved him etc. We stayed with him all of Friday through to Saturday morning, I didn’t take my eyes off him the entire night. We went home for some sleep, I got this overwhelming feeling to go to him but my mum tried to console me and was concerned wanting me to settle myself before driving to the hospital. Not long after we received call from hospital that we should go. We arrived 10 minutes after he had passed. We have been through so much with my dad over the years, I had imagined his passing a hundred times over, I imagined how I might feel given that I felt I had grieved the living person - my dad, the dad I knew and loved, the good qualities he possessed however, nothing could have prepared me for this, for the pain I feel, the loss, the regret, the guilt. I have this ball of anxiety that’s there every morning when I wake, Its within this feeling that I want curl up in a ball, hold myself tight and stay in bed. I’m due to start work again tomorrow but I honestly don’t think I can face it. My sister’s wedding is in 9 days also, I’m just finding it all so much to cope with.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad, @Jojoba. It sounds like it was very traumatic for you, on top of years of the trauma of living with someone with alcoholism. I just want to reassure that the feelings of loss, regret and guilt are normal, and you are not alone.
You might want to connect with @Rach81, who recently lost her mum. They had a complicated relationship, too, and you may understand some of what each other are going through.
Al-Anon family groups also support people who have lost a loved one to alcoholism. They have a free helpline on 0800 0086 811.
When you are ready, you may want to consider bereavement counselling. We offer free online bereavement counselling, which is held via video chat.
Going back to work while grieving can be really hard. If it feels like you can’t face it, please do think about chatting to your GP.
I really hope you find the community to be a support to you, and that you can reach out for further support if you need to. Take good care,
Seaneen
So sorry for your loss. From what I’ve read and experienced myself, anxiety is a common condition with grief. The loss of a parent can be shattering, and can effect us both mentally and physically. I don’t think we can prepare ourselves for what our grief will bring, the only thing we can do is go with whatever it brings up! One day at a time…one minute to the next even,it changes all the time.
Going back to work so early may not help, only you can decide what’s best for you.(I took 3 months off on statutory sick pay) but some people find it useful to have a routine.
All the feelings you describe are “normal” and are a common theme throughout the many postings on here.
Keep sharing whatever you feel on here. There’s lots of people on here that will understand and who will have experienced similar, and they will help you.
Thank you for your response @Sun, I really appreciate your words of support and comfort. Comfort is hard to find right now. It’s hard to reach out for advice and to feel worthy of it when guilt is weighing so heavily. That heavy ball of anxiety/grief is debilitating and I know taking this time off work is the right thing for me, but feel guilty and feel like I’m letting others down…there are so many things to navigate at such a difficult time. I know my boss is being supportive and patient but ultimately they will want me back sooner rather than later. There are many people navigating their grief on here at varying degrees and I am gaining some comfort and reassurance from reading others stories and advice. Thank you again x
Easy for me to say, but please don’t feel guilty about reaching out on here for advice or just to vent…that’s what the forum is for. Work will look after itself! I felt guilty taking time off,knowing that the other staff would probably feel like they had to cover my absence. But I needed that time and didn’t feel guilty enough to not take it. As I said I wasn’t paid company sick pay and realised the world of work wouldn’t stop turning because I wasn’t there. Unless you own the company you work for you will be covered,they will get on with it and wait for you to be ready.(generally we are all replaceable with work! And it shouldn’t come above what you may need right now.)
I’m a few days off 6 months into this horrible “journey” and although I still have bits of anxiety it’s become less debilitating and less frequent. Have you got some techniques to help you with the angst?
@Sun I should have started by asking you about your grief. How are you feeling after 6 months? It sounds like something we need to learn to live with rather than us actually getting past. You lost your mum, that’s unimaginable I’m so close with my mum, I see or speak with her everyday I’m frightened to even contemplate that loss too. I hope you have found a peace?
@Jojoba bless ya, no you shouldn’t have started by asking me about my grief first….(that’s guilt talk…I know,I do it aswell) x there really isn’t should and shouldn’t in these conversations, if you get me!
6 months in feels much easier on so many levels,but still difficult on others, definitely something that will be around for a long time. Don’t think it ever goes, but it gets easier. I find I’m so impatient with the process and long to be “better” (tbf I’m generally impatient in life!)
Hi. Just wanted to offer my sympathies. Losing a parent turns your world upside down. I hope you’re able to take some time off work if it feels like it’s too much. For some the routine of work is a welcome distraction, but it can be hard to cope with in the beginning. 
I really appreciate you asking tho 
@Ulma thank you, I like my work but I know I’m not in the right headspace for it right now. Ordinarily, I would just get up and go but can’t shake this heavy horrible sickening anxiety. @Sun I spoke with my GP today who has given me sickline for an extra week and a prescription for something to ease the physical feeling of the anxiety. We are due to collect dad’s ashes this week and still have some financial things and paperwork to sort. It’s my sister’s wedding next Tuesday also, I can’t even think about that right now just taking each day as it comes.
When I reread your first post, I realised you’d said about the wedding……I can’t imagine having to do that, there’s already so much going on for you, I wish you lots of luck (seems like the wrong thing to wish,but I can’t find another term!) it’s good that you’ve got something to help with the anxiety, hope it takes a major edge off for you. Don’t know if you’ve tried any of the apps like “calm” that’s been a real help to me……you can find lots of it free on YouTube aswell.
