My mother passed away 28th January

Coping with bereavement
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My mother passed away on Sunday and I’m really struggling. I have a lot of guilt as we didn’t have a great relationship and hadn’t spoken properly in a little over a year. I wasn’t there when she passed away. I loved my Mum but she wasn’t the best parent. I am reaching out to anybody who can relate yo my situation. Thank you

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Hello @Rach81,

I can see that you’re new to the community, so I wanted to say that I am so sorry for the loss of your mum that brings you here.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help right now.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,
Seaneen

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Hi @Rach81 I’m new here too, I reached out because I’m also struggling to deal with the loss of my dad. I’m so sorry for your loss, I can relate to how you must be feeling due to the change in the relationship with your mum over the past year and her sadly passing away. Its hard to lose someone, twice effectively. It’s hard to accept the loss of the unspoken words and the loss of time. It’s a loss of reconciliation and the opportunity to make things right. I know for me I am finding the guilt of that a huge thing to carry. I’ve been trying to remember last conversations and better times but struggling to remember which is painful, it’s as if things have been erased. My dad passed away on 27th January 2024, in hospital 10 minutes before I got there. He had been in a new care home over the past year, I hadn’t visited him there but had planned to, something always gnawing at me to go and always avoiding it. My dad was an alcoholic, which caused more problems towards the latter part of his life. He had alcohol related dementia however, died from pneumonia. It wasn’t always an easy relationship, he could be very aggressive and we mostly tried to manage his emotions so not to give him reason to start. It feels awful to say that now he’s gone, it has been important to me at this time to respect the man he was and not to allow for the man he became to be at the forefront of my mind. I loved him, he was a large part of my life good or bad. He wasn’t a bad person only with alcohol, he had a sensitive side and he could be my greatest supporter, he had the ability to make us laugh too (when not drunken, which got less and less as time went on). I mourn that person, I miss that person, I miss my dad no matter what has passed between us. It’s also difficult because if like me you take a lot of notice of what others must think, I have been thinking they must think im a fraud for grieving at all, like how could I feel so much pain if I hadn’t seen him in so long? There are so many emotions involved in this loss, anger for what he should’ve of said or done, what I should’ve said or done. Guilt for what I should of said or done. Sadness for the loss of my dad, my parent, loss for the man that was, could’ve been and should’ve been, deep sadness and regret for the time that was lost between us for all the things he has missed, for how his life looked and felt in the end, for his suffering. The numbness I felt at the cremation was so intense it felt like I wasn’t present. Regret for choosing a cremation at all, there’s so much to navigate. I thought I had hardened my heart to him, I felt I had mourned the loss of the living person, so ignorantly thought when he actually passed away I wouldn’t feel the loss, but nothing could of prepared me for the pain of this loss and how he passed. Its a lonely place to be right now with these feelings, my sibling has hardened herself from it so I don’t feel we can talk about it the same, my mum and dad had separated but had been together for 45 years, my mum has taken it hard too but she’s mostly trying to keep angry there is little source of comfort at the minute, no place to feel close to him. I regret how his life turned out and for not trying harder to help him improve, for not giving him more time and care when things got worse. I can’t even begin to comprehend why I didn’t do more, was it the heartache I felt each time I saw him? Was it self protective? More guilt! I’m trying so hard to convince myself, he was an adult, he made the choices that resulted in how his life turned out, had he forgiven me for not being there but I don’t know where to begin to work past all of this. I have taken more time off work this week just to allow myself to work it out, to allow myself to feel everything I’m feeling without hiding or shame for feeling the way I do. I hope you are trying to look after yourself too? I hope that somewhere in my words you can recognise some of what you are feeling too and that it gives you some comfort to know you are not alone with it. Sending you my thoughts, hugs and hoping you can find peace and comfort during this difficult time xx Please feel free to message me anytime xx

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I’m so sorry for such a long response @Rach81

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Hi thanks for your message. My mum had bi polar and it was only diagnosed not long before she passed. That explains a lot about how it was for me growing up. She was emotionally unavailable throughout my life and a year ago I cut contact with her. I loved my mum but it was something I had to do for my mental health. She didn’t reach out to me in that time and ask how her grandchildren were. She died 28th January and I wasn’t told she was end of life. She had advanced copd. I have been holding a lot of guilt same as you. But looking at the bigger picture for us both , we haven’t done anything wrong? We can try and help our parents as much as we can but ultimately they have to help themselves. My mum was a very heavy smoker and for years I encouraged her to stop which made her smoke more. I hope you have support around you as what we’re dealing with is complex grief. We grieved the parent we always needed and grieving again for their passing. Please message me if you want a private chat x

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@Rach81 totally understand where you’re coming from. I’m also full of guilt. For moving away to different country, for not being able to visit as often as I would like to. My mum in recent years suffered from depression and made unhealthy life choices. We spoke everyday and I tried to influence her to start looking after herself. She would answer “why should I deny myself, I’m 77” and “one must die of something”. She wouldn’t go out, just sat in a chair. So many people tried to help her but in the end she didn’t want to help herself. I’m also very angry at her for not telling me how ill she actually was and that she wasn’t managing on her own… I don’t know if I ever will forgive myself. She had so many people around her but in the end she couldn’t see it and thought she was alone. I think she was just simply tired of living. But I’m stuck here with this guilt that I haven’t done enough to help her and don’t know how to carry on… miss her so much