confused angry lonely....come back mummy

Hi everyone,
I lost my mum July last year…she was more like my best friend…we did everything together…until I got a boyfriend and a job a few months later my mum fell I’ll and passed away…I was there every day in the hospital three months I think…I blaim myself why she stopped looking after herself…I would still text ring etc but every day contact went to seeing her once a week…I feel so bad.
My dad has had a severe stroke so he wasn’t really aware of anything until the funeral.
I feel the hospital neglected her and her doctors didn’t take her seriously…I hate the fact they blamed alcohol for my mum’s death…when actually she passed away through catching c.diff which she couldn’t come back from.
A year on I still feel like she’s here…wishing she will do her gentle little knock on the door…or I could just ask her if I look ok or if I should or shouldn’t do something…I feel lost…I need my mum to say you are doing ok stop panicking.
I try so hard everyday to just keep busy but my new job as a carer just makes me think I should be doing all this for my mum…keeping her healthy washed fed clean home etc…if I could just have one more chance.
Sorry for the rant I haven’t been on here before…got a lot to let out.
my mum hated my dad before she passed after him being unfaithful many years ago…I’m supposed to look after him and play the doting daughter but I can’t…he makes me so angry and I do blame him for mums drinking habit. He ruined my mum.
I know he’s my dad but I can’t bare looking at him some days. I wouldn’t see him without or in pain though.
Hope someone can help me…I feel writing all this down has somehow helped already.

Louise x

Hi louse you can’t blame yourself for what happened to your mum it wasn’t your fault I lost my partner of 25years in May this year and it’s the hardest think I have ever had to deal with your mum would have wanted you to be happy so try not to be so hard on yourself I’m a carer also and I know what you mean working with elderly people make you think sure you done all you could to help your mum hopefully in time you will feel a bit better just take it a day at a time I’m here if you need to talk take care x

Sorry I’ve got your name wrong x

Thank you Janey x