Hi, when I was 11, I went to the beach with my two younger brothers and my cousin who was overseeing us at the time at the age of 31. My brother being 9 was sucked off shore into what I understand as an ebb in the ocean. I ran after him as the wave receded but as it curls over both of us and we were both taken in. I looked for him with my hands under the water as it was dark. Although I kept brushing him, I also kept missing him as my hands were going too fast. My self preservation or some need to call for help kicked in and I gave up looking for him and began flapping to the surface instead. I scream for help between the swallows of water thinking someone would jump in and still hoping my brother was near by. Soon I felt the ocean floor, then I was being carried on a towel. I was still hoping that my brother was near by but I couldn’t really feel relaxed in that thoght so I asked but all that came out was his name and no one was telling me anything. That moment didn’t last very long and then I woke up an ambulance where my mum sat on the side bench. Even she didn’t say or even respond to me and I learnt that maybe it was shock. At the hospital now three days later they found my brothers body, my mother delivers the news and I just remembered her leaving. My dad left a few moths before the accident but returned for the funeral. Hoping he was stay but he didn’t.
I lived a generally normal life after that leaving my educational institutions with good grades, had a job which I worked at for 10years. But after the age of 25 or so I began dropping the ball on stuff. Messing up at work, saying mean things, generally not really caring for myself, others or consequences. But I generally low key stuff which people ignored. I was pregnant at 30. My partner and I had been together for 7 years, and although I didn’t plan it I was excited. But a few weeks they couldn’t hear a heart beat. This happened a second time and began to really fear that I would never bring a child to term on the third pregnancy I delivered a healthy girl but all that fear manifested in my delivery and began to feel ashamed of my behaviour. My child was a sensitive to some degree and woke easily, didn’t take certain milk and materials I dressed her in. I began slowly going down a dark road as I resented how easy some mothers seem to have it and I’m struggling just to take walk in the afternoon with my little one. But at the same time I clung to her, thinking I was being a great parent while my childhood issues came in the spot light. Now six years later I do wired things out of fear of loosing people as I lost my partner a year after the birth. I don’t leave my house as I think it’s safe, this is fine for me but I for child I think she need fresh air and play. I get jealous for the smallest of things like when two poeple I know have made friends. I want to hold on to a conversation and don’t want it to end. I’m longing for something which no one can give but I still want the feeling of maybe. I’ve began to buy more things without donating and now I’m afraid to get close to anyone because I’m afraid of loosing them. So I don’t even try. It’s kinda ludicrous in a way.
I’m just on here to get it out really. I feel trapped in a a strange way. And I have so much fear. I talk alot in therapy but I fear that I would never feel better.
Rebecca, what a sad story and I can understand why you have problems. I am pleased you are have some therapy but it does sound that you need more help and it may be worth asking next time you meet the counsellor. It’s true the grief thing comes back and bites you when you think you have it all sorted. I do hope writing about has helped, keeping a dairy also helps some people but the main thing is not to keep it bottled up and talking or writing helps. Take care of yourself and your little girl and yes go for walks it also helps. S xxx