Confused

Coping with bereavement
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I lost my dad nearly 13 months ago. He had a transplant operation that wasn’t successful. He never woke up after the operation and we had a painful 6 days in intensive care before he passed away.

We had a lot of support around us at the time and after a couple of months things seemed to return to normal. My partner and I had been living with mum and dad since before he died and have stayed with mum. Mum and I were coping well because we both felt that dad was upstairs all the time and didn’t feel at all like he’d gone.

In January I started to face some very difficult person problems which have caused a lot of stress for me and my partner.

Since February, as we approached Dad’s anniversary, I started to become overwhelmed with a sense of loss. Dad didn’t seem to be in the house anymore and the things in my personal life were increasing my stress levels.

Since then I have been slowly going under. I’m crying a lot of the time and when I have holidays from work (I work in school) I completely fall apart.

My partner is supportive but can’t cope with my constant anxiety and grief. Mum is now also deeply grieving and we’re not managing to support each other very well.

I’m finding it so hard to face the personal problems I have and thinking about them fills me with anxiety. My dad was always such a practical support and I miss his advice so much.

I’m very confused about what the source of my anxiety is. I feel like it’s grief, compounded by personal worries and I don’t know how to deal with any of it. I’m having to make really big decisions about the future for myself and my partner but I can’t think clearly at all. I haven’t eaten properly for over a week and I’m having frequent anxiety attacks. My partner wants to help but gets very agitated when I’m upset. I’m seeing a bereavement counsellor today but I’m feeling so pessimistic about the chances of getting through this and making good decisions relating to my personal problems.

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Hi Fran,

I’m so sorry you’re having such a tough time at the moment and feeling so stressed and overwhelmed by things.

Grief can hit us at any time and people’s experience of it can be very different. You will get through it and there are loads of lovely supportive people on the forum who will understand how you’re feeling and what you’re going through. You are not alone.

I had bereavement counselling when my Mum died 4 years ago. It was at times extremely painful but I can honestly say it was a lifeline for me. It was my safe place where I could say anything I wanted. In 2 of the sessions I just sobbed. It’s not an instant fix and it will take a while for you to start feeling the benefit so please stick with it.

It’s very difficult to make decisions when you’re feeling anxious and overwhelmed. Is there anyway you could delay making these personal decisions for a while?

Let us know how your bereavement session goes.

Please keep talking to us & take care. Trudy x

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Hi Trudy,
Thanks for your message. The session was really useful yesterday. He identified that I’m trying to find something I can fix so that I can start to feel better, but explained that the grief I’m feeling needs to be faced and endured. I can see that I need to give myself some space to breathe in all this and am going to try to have a day at a time where I don’t ask anything of myself or try to make any decisions.
Thanks again,
Fran

1 Like
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Hi Fran,

That sounds like it was a good session and a positive step for you. Giving ourselves space to breathe and not putting pressure on ourselves is so important but so difficult to do in this hectic world we live it. I try to practise mindfulness and meditate regularly, it definitely helps me stay grounded when I feel the world is getting a little frantic for me.

Stay in touch x