My husband isn’t dead because paramedics brought him back, despite my plea to let him go. Both of us have DNR’s but they wanted to see a paper copy, which I didn’t have. He is now in hospital having palliative care and it is heartbreaking. I look at photos of us and I don’t recognise him. All I can see is him laying on the floor dead and the paramedics working on this 71 year old man. Why? What quality of life would he have brain starved of oxygen for over 20 minutes. This would have been the worse scenario he could have imagined. I am filled with such anger that compassion and common humanity could have avoided this dreadful state of limbo that my family are in. It’s cruel and inhumane. You wouldn’t do that to an animal. 51 years I have been with my husband. I know every inch of him, but now …. I don’t recognise him 
It is breaking my heart seeing him like this. My sons have been amazing but they don’t fully understand. He was/is my sole mate. I go to see him in hospital and still can’t get my head round the speed of what happened. I come back and alternate from anger to tears to frustration.
Hi TessieH,
I am so sorry you are going through this. I think you are right and they should have listened to you. Being starved of oxygen for that time is not going to have a good outcome. Sending you strength and a big hug. Xx
Thank you for your kind response. It mean a lot. I am going to email Wes Streeting about the DNR because we thought we were doing everything right. 14 years of up and down the hospital and not one Doctor, Nurse or practitioner asked if we had a paper copy. I strongly feel that if this is what you want and I appreciate not everyone does, that there could be a tick box perhaps on a driving licence, passport or even a bus pass. Years ago paramedics would have used their common sense and humanity, but this so called ‘Blame and sue culture’ has made everyone frightened of doing the right thing.
My mum and my mother-in-law both have a DNR and its an A4 Red Card. They’ve had there’s about 4/5 years. Really it should be on your health records.
Xxx
I’m really sorry to hear about your situation, it seems everything is done in accordance to rules. Totally different here in Spain where we have the opposite problem. While my wife was dying I was repeatedly asked if I didn’t prefer her to be administered with something to speed up the process. I hope your situation resolves peacefully.
Tom
Thank you all for your response. I appreciate what you said Brandon1 but I saw my husband today and I just sobbed. He was completely covered and looked peaceful, but I wanted to touch him so I lifted the cover to hold his hand and was mortified to see it was swollen and black, the sheet beneath was soiled and on top of that his upper arm had adema. I immediately called the nurse and they said ‘he doesn’t feel anything, we will deal with it soon’. I was so upset. You will do it now I cried. This is my husband of 51 years not a piece of meat. My husband will sadly not survive and it is breaking my heart. He died at home in my arms, but the paramedics insisted on giving him CPR - why??? Why must I go to the hospital every day and see my beloved husband being starved to his end. That’s right, the rule of 3 - three minutes without oxygen, three days without water and three weeks without food. It is inhumane in the extreme. You wouldn’t allow an animal to be put through this. If there was a just shred of hope I would fight tooth and nail, but there is absolutely no hope from the start. We can’t grieve, my family is in limbo watching a proud, strong man reduced to a skeleton.
We thought ours were logged with the Doctor, no one said we had to have a piece of paper. Moreover one of the palliative nurses said they could have checked on their computer as they no longer issue paper DNR but different hospitals have different procedures. I still maintain this should be included as a tick box and I acknowledge this is not something everyone wants, on a driving licence, passport or as I said even a bus pass.
Hi TessieH,
I am so sorry you are in this situation. I have dealt with end of life 3 times now, all different scenarios. You are dealing with trauma and anticipatary grief. I wish I could say something to help.x some NHS staff lose their empathy when they have seen people die so much. But your husband should not be lying on soiled sheets in any scenario. They need to treat him with respect and give him dignity in his final days. Do not be afraid to speak up. In kindness I hope your lovely husband passes quickly for all your sakes. It is a difficult time and I wish I was there to hold your hand and give you strength. Take care and sending much love and hugs. Xxx
But yes the paramedics should have been able to see your husband’s DNR on his medical records. They can see if people are on organ donation on your records.
Xxx
Today is a really bad day. We booked his funeral yesterday and now I can’t stop crying. I’m already on blood pressure tablets but today it is so high it’s freaking me out. I am going to get it checked, but frightened to drive as I keep coming over dizzy. I am usually such a strong person and the one my friends come to, but losing my husband has reduced me to a snivelling mess. Friends say if there’s anything you need, just ask, but I don’t know how to. I just want to curl up in a ball and lock myself away.