Constant guilt

I came home from shopping 4 weeks ago to find my husband on the ground in the garden. I did my best to bring him back to me but I was too late. I feel so guilty for not being here as I’m never usually out at that time. I feel guilty that I asked him to help me pick up the hedge trimmings the day before despite him looking so tired. However the thing I’m feeling really guilty about at the moment is the sleep. The first few days I couldn’t sleep but now I’m so unbelievably tired. I fall asleep in my chair almost every evening and wake up in the middle of the night and head to bed. People keep asking if I’m sleeping ok so now I feel guilty that I sleep. I have actually never felt so tired in my life. Has anyone else ever experienced such tiredness after their loss?

Hi, I have found that guilt is part of grief, somehow we blame ourselves when we know deep down it’s not rational, if you had known what was going to happen you would have come home, he wouldn’t have helped pick up the hedge cuttings if he felt ill, in respect of sleep I too couldn’t sleep then found I could sleep 12 hours a day, so told me it’s shock, your body puts you to sleep to try and help your emotions settle, I’m now 3 months on back into a normal sleeping pattern, so don’t worry what your experiencing I gave too.

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Hi Bevd,

I’m sorry for the loss of your husband. I think no matter what the circumstances of your loss, you will always feel guilty. Its part of the grieving process.
12 weeks ago my mum died suddenly of a major brain haemorrhage. Just the day before she had collected my daughter by train, then got a bus, taken her for lunch and brought her home. The day before that she had done my food shopping for me and my neighbour has told me his tired she looked and had to keep putting the bags down for a break. I knew none of this and feel so guilty. What if I had done the shopping? What if she hadn’t had my daughter that weekend? However, my mum loved looking after my daughter, and would never have sat indoors while I did the shopping. I just have to push the guilt away and accept that what happened to my mum was going to happen.
21 years ago my mum got up to make my dad a cup of tea. When she brought it back to him 10 mins later he was dead in bed. For years she felt guilty that she had left the room and hadnt been there to save him. He was due to take a road trip an hour later and if he had done do would have killed himself and others on the road as well.
I have come to accept that things happen for a reason even though I have struggled to accept both deaths and am really suffering with mums.
Try to stop feeling guilty about geing tired. Grief is so exhausting, it consumes us.
I fall asleep exhausted every night and wonder how I sleep through my grief.
Keep yourself healthy during this time and we will somehow get through.
.cheryl x

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Thank you both
I was just thinking how bad is it that I’m suddenly sleeping lots. It’s only been since the funeral on Tuesday. Before that my sleep was all over the place. Now I feel I could sleep for a week

Hi Bevd - It’s not bad at all that you’re sleeping lots…I had a bad day today…got home about 5 and immediately fell asleep on the couch…it is our way of helping ourselves to heal…the funeral and some of the initial shock are over, and you perhaps need this rest, this time of “not thinking”…encourage yourself to relax, and if that means sleep, so be it…

Very much so.I felt exhausted during the day and kept falling asleep in the chair.Then I was going to bed at 10pm (our normal time)I would toss and turn for hours then get up about 4.30am.Then the whole process started again.It’s only in the last few days that I have been sleeping from 10-5 am and not falling asleep during the day,so I guess things are getting better,I hope so anyway.Jill x

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hi Bevd
sorry for your loss.Nothing can prepare you for this.So many of us on here have lost a loved one.We all have very different effects to our bodies minds and souls.We have our lives flashing through our heads and all of the worry guilt anger all the emotions which we will experience after this absolutely devastating event takes its toll.i myself am having trouble sleeping but im absolutely knackered all the time.Its more than likely because of all the stresses you’ve been going through,but best get it checked out by a doctor ,just be on the safe side.
regards
ian

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