I’ve been staring at this long enough and I dont know what I’m even after, I just feel I need to blurt it all out. In the last 7 years I’ve had just one death after another hitting me. I feel like I’ve no time to stop being sad but I spend my days doing a great job of hiding it. But I can’t hide from it at nights, and my wife wakes me from sobbing in my sleep at least once or twice a week. In general I’m physically fit, and thought I was so mentally strong, but I had 2 weeks off at Christmas and for the first time in ages and ages had some days with really nothing to do but relax, but instead it’s like 7 years of pushing something aside hit me like a brick. I’m writing this for seeing it in words might help me accept it, I’ve lost half my family in this time, some really close friends, and so many people that I’ve enjoyed sharing my time with that each one that passes feels like a little piece of me dies too. Yep that’s it exactly and don’t know how to replace those bits of me. Yes this is helping,something else who do I talk to, I’m only a bloke but I seem to of always been the one everyone tells their problems and worries to, and I feel these people don’t really want to or know how to listen to me. I can talk to 100 people everyday but still feel alone most of it.
I nearly just deleted all this but well let’s post it
Well done for posting 
, and well done for prioritising self care. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
Thanks for the message, I wasn’t expecting it but it does feel like I’ve said it out loud now.
Sometimes it’s good to blurt things out! When you’ve lost so many loved ones it’s no wonder you’re struggling and it’s better to talk about it than to hold it in. People here are very understanding, so keep posting. And maybe it would help to spreak to a grief counsellor? All that pain is hard to bear alone, even if you are mentally strong. Sending hugs. 
Yeah I’ll do my best. This is a big step for me and I do appreciate you taking notice. A grief councillor may well be the way forward but as I am, talking face to face or on a phone I would just clam up and gloss over it right now. I had a great night’s sleep and that’s when the dreams happen they ain’t nightmares they’re normally lovely until the end when I realise it’s just a dream. And I’ve feeling I woke control my whole day, which happens a fair bit but posting on here has been a first so it’s broken the habit and that’s positive.
Maybe counselling is for later on, then. But it’s important that you’ve taken a first step sharing on here, though I fully understand that it was difficult for you.
Sometimes there’s more activity in the longer threads, so you could also look and see if there’s one you can jump into. Most people here are very compassionate and won’t mind.