Hello again everyone.
I’ve shared before in previous posts how my Gran/Dad passed away in September of this year. I have decided to write ‘Grandad’ like ‘Gran/Dad’ because although biologically he was my Grandad, his role was Dad. I thought of him as my Dad and he thought of me and treated me like a daughter.
I am experiencing feelings of frustration and wanted to vent with people who I know will understand. I have heard, on several occasions from probably well-meaning people, that my loss ‘isn’t so bad’ and ‘it’ll be worse when I lose a parent’.
This is obviously really difficult to hear. Yes, I called him Grandad and continue to call him Grandad (although I called him Dad when I said goodbye to him, and in his final week of life). Yes, he was my mother’s father, so yes the relationship is Grandad/Grandchild. But to me he was my parent. Besides, hearing that another future bereavement will be worse is not the comfort people seem to think it is - it is terrifying. Logically I know that we all die and it’s the one thing we all have in common, but do I really need to think about losing anyone else right now? No, of course not.
When people diminish the relationship between me and Gran/Dad, I feel upset, offended and wronged. Sometimes I have the energy to correct people and other times I don’t. It makes me feel like my grief is being illegitimised or minimised. That I should be grateful because other people have it worse - but grief is not about making comparisons. It’s not a competition between who feels more griefy or worse or who is dealing with it better!! URGH.
Truthfully, I know it shouldn’t matter, because I know what Gran/Dad meant to me. But the things others say have a habit of playing on repeat and I don’t want to spiral. Writing these thoughts and feelings out has helped a little.
I am really grateful for spaces like these where we are all supportive and understanding. We know what it is like to endure grief, we know it is a wholly unique and awful experience, we know that sometimes relationships are different to the names given to them. I have friends whose step-parents are more like their actual parent, or siblings who are like that. I’m sure many of us know people like this in our daily lives.
Your grief is as unique as your love and how deeply you grieve and for how long is no one else’s business.