It truly is wonderful that we can support others, strangers no more, in a time of need. Thank you Kate for your insightful post, and to all who post and read here… You just don’t know who may find something here that brings comfort or hope or both.
Wishing each of you a peaceful night or day ahead. Xx
Hi everyone I’ve joined this post late. Moving forwards seems so difficult at the moment. I wanted a break just to get away for a few days. Sounds easy, but Denise and I used to love the log cabins with a hot tub, lovely view and a bit of luxury. So how do we manage now. Even the thought of arriving by myself is daunting. The expectation when we opened the door together. Looking around the cabin together. Unpacking the car, then down to the shops. Choosing some wine, then back to the hot tub. All together, the laughs in the tub. The walk in the morning. It’s all going to come back and hit me like a brick isn’t it. Every time I do anything is going to reinforce the fact that she’s gone isn’t it? I know I should be positive and feel that she’s with me, but can I. Should I just stay at home where I feel safe. That I think means a life of work and loneliness too. I have friends but none close enough for this sort of trip. How do you all cope. Sounds selfish that I’m thinking about this sort of thing a few months down the line, but it’s got to be faced. It’s just one of the many adjustments we are all facing.
Good morning Stevie. I understand exactly how you feel. I went on a couple of hotel breaks last year which had been given as gifts to me and my husband. I wasn’t sure about going at all and I really didn’t want to share them with anyone else. Anyway I have to say that I did appreciate them. Just to get away from everything and everybody and to have absolute freedom and me time was exhilarating. It gave me time to relax and think and for a time clear my head. It felt surreal but I was glad I went and I plan to go off by myself again sometime this year. Of course I would prefer to have my husband by my side but that can’t be physically but in spirit, I know he’s with me. Xx
Thanks Kate, I’ve taken up motorcycling again as a release and thought about going away for a few nights. Just feels pointless, but as you say just me time and talking with Denise in spirit sounds good. Just that time you arrive and you realise your on your own must be a bit hard x
Hi Stevie
What worked for me was that I went away in my camper an just a month after my wife died. As it’s just an extension of home I could live in a similar familiar way. I then repeated that a few weeks later.
Following that I went away to a Travelodge in Edinburgh and kept busy as there’s lots to do there. The next step was a hotel in the Lakes, half board and walking all day, and then, a bigger test, to a hotel we went to a lot.
In effect I suppose it was a progression, adding a bit more into the challenge each time. I’ve always had itchy feet and I’m used to doing things on my own, camping, trecking, travelling, and so on. My wife encouraged me to do things independently as it meant we both got some of what we wanted, rather than compromise and nobody got what they wanted. I think that’s stood me in good stead. That and watching Bear Ghrylls on TV.
I’m going away next Friday to the Lakes for 3 nights. I’m already planning my walks.
I think a short tour by motorbike would be a perfect introduction… travelling light.
It’s often just about taking that first step. Grief is very portable. You can take it anywhere and it’s just learning a new skill how to cope away from your comfort zone.
I often eat at Wetherspoons as you can order from a phone app which makes it much easier. I usually take a book. There are often many eating alone.
You are already living on and embracing change with the bike. Maybe it’s time for the next small step.
Reading some of these posts,YorkshireLad and Crazy Kate has got me thinking,I realise i have to work on my independence.I’m off on my first trip in April ,but i am going with other family members,i wanted my first trip to be a family get together,with all 3 daughters ,the grandchildren and daughters partners.I do admire those here who have took that leap and travel on their own,i think it can only build strength of mind and must give like Kate mentioned a sense of freedom.Makes me think of the phrase “Home is where the heart is” not just bricks and mortar,rather somewhere that is intimately tied to our emotions,so yes the grief comes with us,so the love comes with us,wherever that may be.So maybe i need to venture out of my comfort zone alone.xx
‘Grief is portable’ - very descriptive YorkshireLad, spot on! Just as well really because we have to take it everywhere - can’t leave it with a neighbour, friend or family to take care of while we go shopping etc. We don’t have to worry about leaving it alone either because it’s not possible. It’s like a pet in many ways and sometimes gets so excited it jumps up and nips us, runs circles around us and then just lies around but never far from us…
I appreciate a good analogy…
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I’ve had a couple of instances where it completely left me recently.
Several weeks ago I had to walk down a technically difficult hillside full of loose scree and an undefined path. It took absolute concentration as one of my knees is less than perfect. I use a trecking pole and that was crucial in getting down. I couldn’t go back as the light was fading. When I got down it occurred to me that I hadn’t thought about my wife for over an hour. I did think of my kids… I thought they would have had me committed had they been able to see me as I was alone in the landscape… not even a sheep.
The second instance was crossing a stream in spate. I knew it well but my knee problem was a big impediment to getting across. Again it involved total concentration… and a bit of fear.
I like your description of grief being fluid or maybe dynamic. It certainly doesn’t just sit quietly. My point about portability was it needn’t be a limiting factor when considering an activity, or not in my case. I could see that other associated problems would be though. I’m not sure if I’ve got it right but I don’t think it’s the same shape for each of us.
Hi Stevie
I too have thought of going away for a short while on my own bur haven’t got the courage to book anything yet. We had planned to go to Las Vegas last September as Margaret wanted to see the fountains at the Bellagio hotel. So I’ve been thinking as I still have her ashes at home putting some in a little box and taking her with me. As I say don’t know if I have the courage yet.
William
Just like a dog, grief can run off occasionally - take your eye of them and they’re gone but they always come back. I always say distraction is good. How did you feel afterwards YorkshireLad, when you realised you hadn’t thought of your lovely wife for a brief time? Did you feel good, a sense of freedom or maybe a touch of guilt?
I’m usually quite good at the “touchy feel” stuff as it was be job to keep checking out with people, and I’ve always done it for myself but generally integrated into The Learning Cycle. In this case I can’t give you a clear answer as I remember being bombarded by a range of emotions. I think the clearest one was just relief but later in the evening I did feel a mix of guilt about the exhilaration. I also felt a bit silly about doing it but I’ve kept the whole thing to myself and not shared it with family. I don’t tell them I’m lonely for similar reasons. I’m worried they might think a care home would be a suitable solution… One with bars on the window and locks on the door.
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That’s just what I did when I went off in the camper an. I took the whole container of ashes and just put then in a cupboard. I also took a few photos and pinned them. I didn’t take any when I went to hotels as I was carrying everything onto trains and buses but I always have her hat in my rucksack. I haven’t cleared her things out of the van. I use it as my daily driver now. If I get a new van I will not put her things into it. There are clothes, cosmetics, wash bag, travel sweets, books.
I’m not sure how we find courage. Maybe a smaller challenge first.
Found the following in a book and thought it relevant to this thread:
‘I don’t think grief is the price we pay for love, but rather that it is as part of love. When death comes, I think the grief is to be experienced the way the joy was experienced before - and if we experience it intimately, grief and joy are not separate and both are love’
-Barry Graham
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