Continued growth?

I’m sitting here deep in thought this morning. The silence is almost deafening. It has occurred to me how my relationship with my husband continues to grow and move forward.

In the beginning of our relationship in life, it was all about the passion. But love affairs move forward and although the passion remains, it begins to take a back seat. We become more relaxed and comfortable with each other and the silences are no longer awkward. And so the love and relationship continues to grow until we become one, thinking, speaking and moving in the same way.

Is this how it is also in death? Our love continues to grow and indeed move forward. At the beginning is grief the passion? Will it, can it, take a back seat? Will we, can we, become more relaxed and comfortable with our grief? Maybe we can. I hope so. I certainly don’t cry as much but what does that mean? I miss him as much as ever, that’s for sure. My grief will always remain and I wouldn’t want it not to.

Too much deep pondering this morning me thinks…

1 Like

Oh thank you Kate for this post this morning,it’s strange i have been pondering in deep thought too,your post has lifted my spirit,i feel exactly the same.As you said the love grows and moves forward with us,i love my hubby more every day.I dare to say and think that maybe we can become for comfortable with our grief,and i too have waves of emotion.I watched the last part of Watership down this morning,i know it’s all about rabbits,but it reflects human life so well and it is very spiritual,made me cry,but that’s ok.Like you i will miss my husband till i go,that will never change it’s a fact,and i have days where i would say i have a desperation for him to be here,but it passes and i return to a calmer self,loving him,thinking of him and talking to him,smiling while i do.The bond we have with our loved ones seems to strengthen and yes like you said continues to grow until we become one,i love the way you said that.xx

Thank you Robina. I love your thoughts and I am always interested to read what you have to say. You write well and I like your reference to the bond we have with our loved one.

It’s now almost 19 months for me since that fateful day and there are fleeting moments when I feel I’m turning a corner but then I take at least 2 steps back again. But there is no doubt that I am more accepting of my grief therefore more at ease with it. Does that make sense? I feel my husband with me every step of the way. Xx

Thank you Kate
Words can be so powerful,they can lift you and bring you down,i suppose depending on our own perception,and your words may i say, resonate,have a deeper meaning.I have always been a deep thinker,more so now than ever before,i sense you are too,reading your articulate posts which give lots to think about.I like to think more deeply ,i think i’m searching for a chink of a eureka moment,where i feel “Yes that makes sense,i can work with that”
Yes i understand,it’s nearly 11 months for me,like yourself i move forward slightly,back ,forward again,i think as long as we can accept that this is how it is,and not feel too bad about ourselves for slipping back.We can self talk a lot to ourselves,and i know there is no rule book for grief,"would,should ,could,"The accepting of it all seems to be a forward move ,the emotion of it all can take me back,but i don’t feel i have ever returned back to the beginning,so like yourself Kate, i think we must be, like you said, more at ease with it,and it makes sense to me.I too feel my husband with me,how could it be any other way,the layers upon layers of life experiences we created with our loved ones,have securely joined us,connected us together forever.xx

I am standing by Eileen’s grave as I write this, my daily visit to talk and tend.
I feel like I want to ponder that opening post - but first a quick nip into church, then home for an espresso.
How I love this wonderful, remarkable lady !

1 Like

Fifteen weeks today, almost to the minute, since we laid her to rest here.

1 Like

Bless you Edwin. Xx

Thank you Robina. Sending you love to see you through xx

1 Like

Hi Kate. A very thought-inspiring post. Two have become one now but emotionally we are still together, so still one in that respect.
I am finding, 8 months on, that I am not as tear-struck as I was in the early months, at the realisation that certain events won’t be the same…trips up the motorway always him driving, that visit to the motor museum that never happened, him making me a cup of tea, etc etc etc. Although I’m still floored when I add to this list, it seems a little more manageable when I have a new realisation moment…not sure why. Maybe it’s a self-protection device that is within us but we aren’t aware of.
Big hug. Xxx

Thank you Annette. How I loved sitting next to my husband in the car. We too would visit motor museums and so many cups of tea. My husband never left home without a flask. Wherever we went he always had a cup of tea at the ready for me. I find I can smile now when I think of these endearing moments…xx

Just read your post WoW!!! It’s fantastic.
Your words are very comforting It’s 6 months since Margaret died and you give me hope that one day I might be at ease with it all.
Thank you

That really pleases me William. I have received so much help and comfort from all of you on this forum so glad to be able to give something back. Xx

Beautiful thoughts Kate.
When you love someone with all your heart and soul , their departure tears you apart in a way words are inadequate to express…but the love you shared never ever dies… I love Barry more every day…I can’t talk to him or reach out my hand to put it in his and I miss his physical presence every minute of every day but in so many ways he is closer to me now than ever before…it doesn’t take away the longing or sometime loneliness but it makes my existence meaningful and almost beautiful at times…if you listen carefully when you say “I love you” you can hear “And I love you too” all around you.
Thank you x

1 Like

Hi Kate…just wonderfully uplifting…oh to be at peace with my grief. You thought that my husband would walk by my side now…I treasure that. It reminds me that we are still together, as always, as one, thank you Kate, xx

Hi everyone. Thank you for all your wonderfully, positive responses. It was just something I felt the need to share. I had a very busy morning with my thoughts even though I should have been ironing! Some days are like that. Sending love to all xx

1 Like

It is so good to read some positive messages I must admit I have taken a couple of days break from the forum as I was finding that the messages weren’t giving me comfort they were (if possible) dragging me down lower. No ones fault I know apart from mine. The thought that this incredible pain may go on for years is just too bleak.

Just beautiful. New theories in grief and one that my counsellor has advised me about is called Continuing Bonds. I think it’s the most comforting way of coping with the grief we are all living with. Thank you Kate for your lovely post. Xxx

This is absolutely beautiful. My husband died 6 weeks ago, and I have been so worried about leaving him behind in the past, but what you have written has made me look at it in a different way. I talk to him constantly, if I go out the first thing I do when I get home is to go upstairs where his casket is and say hello and tell him I am home. I play our music all the time and I find that the time I devote to him now is so special and not mixed up in the mundane day to day activities like it was when he was here with me. My love for him will continue to grow and will move forward with me until I am with him again. Thanks Kate you have made my day significantly brighter xxx

For anyone interested in Continuing Bonds have a look at What’s Your Grief website. Just enter Continuing Bonds in the Search Box.

I had no idea that this thread would get such a positive response. I speak from the heart and to be honest I really just jotted down my thoughts. We are all at different stages of our grief so some may think as I do but for those in the very early stages then I hope my thoughts have at least given you a little hope. Two of you have mentioned ‘Continuing Bonds’ so I shall look this up, thank you. Xx