My dad died in April. I cared for dad and mum until dad died which was so stressful I ended up in hospital. He was my mum’s carer who has Alzheimer’s, but she was very fit, lived at home, saw friends, went to church and saw us, her family, who moved to Scotland to be with near them nearly 20 years ago.
After dad died, my brother helped himself to a large financial sum, circumventing the will and then more in padded out “expenses” for which there were never any receipts. Thousands of pounds have gone missing.
He took over everything: made himself primary contact for all agencies who ignored my PoA. He diverted my parents administration to his house in England.
He sent manipulative and slanderous emails copying social services painting me as uncaring and self-serving although I have not touched a penny of their money and often paid for things for mum myself.
During this time the stress became so unbearable I went missing for a week from my family and I had my first suicidal thoughts in the summer.
A few weeks later, with 24 hours notice (on my birthday) he moved mum away from the live-in carer arrangements which he had sabotaged to England, away from us and her community, friends & church of 30+ years. He locked her in a care home and put a deprivation of liberty order on her. She had always begged us not to put her in a care home and she always wanted to stay in Scotland.
Meanwhile he sent more vicious emails me saying how I didn’t care about Mum whereas I saw her mum every day, took her out on trips took her to my home took her to help appointments.
I have never responded to any of his emails in fact we asked him not to contact us which he ignored. Eventually we had to block him on all channels but he still persists.
Now he has her where he can control her and all her assets.
He took away her hearing aids and she doesn’t hear her mobile phone now so we can’t call her.
The care home staff were so horrific the first day that I called to say how I concerned I was when I spoke to mum in profound distress the night she was put there, that that I have only called there a few times & always via my husband to speak to her. They could not have been more unhelpful, unkind or dismissive. Their message was: you don’t count (because you don’t pay). You have no say and we are not interested what you think about your mother’s interests. I had just tried to ask them if she could go out for a walk and what the circumstances there were.
Half the time we have called their phone system hasn’t worked.
Mum has a four bedroom house here where her son and his family used to stay when they visited my parents. When she was in Scotland she was getting partial state support. In England he makes her pay for everything herself. We have nowhere to stay in Manchester and mum’s home is Scotland! It is also a 5 hour journey trip away. I could not face going there alone anyway now because of my mental health and risk of seeing him or even navigating the care home and staff and we shouldn’t have to because Mum should be here in familiar surroundings with the friends and family she has always seen. My husband says it would also be very bad for my mental health and he is right.
I am a shell of the person I used to be because of her son’s actions.
We can never see Mum but we know her son and daughter-in-law listen into our phone calls. We have no privacy. They delete or do not show her the messages I sent with photos because I know she would have called me back and they control her phone.
In desperation I started to send Mum cards. We rang to see if she got them fearing they have been censored. A staff member confirmed she had but they were not on display which is not like mum at all so they must have been put away by others.
Me and my family have been completely pushed out of every aspect of mum’s life.
Even though we both have power of attorney, I effectively don’t have it. I get zero information from the care home. They make empty promises. When I asked if I could visit Mum because we suspected he had imposed some ban and asked if we could take her out the way he does, the director side stepped the latter question.
He has utterly destroyed my mental health. I was suicidal while caring for both my parents at the start of the year and again since the emails, manipulation & ambushing started up again in August & mum’s abduction.
Local social services have been no help. They just see mum as someone else’s problem now. They recommended a mediation service which didn’t reply until I got the MSP involved.
Ditto OPG. When pushed by MSP, OPG replied saying put it in a form but by then my mental health was so bad
I just had to focus on getting better.
We went to the police about the stolen money but they said if he has power of attorney he can do what he wants or get a lawyer.
He is aggressive frightening, brazen, a bulldozer & very manipulative. He will tell Mum things about me to hurt her and make me listen to them because he knows mum can’t do anything and will forget but because he knows it upsets me to hear that. He uses his elderly and vulnerable mother as a pawn to hurt me. He keeps me on the line because he knows I am desperate to speak to Mum. He disparages me in writing & on the phone in front of mum, calls me autistic. He loves torturing me like this. I think it is the part of the whole thing where he gets most pleasure.
Once I was in a cafe and had to move when someone his build with an English accent and a belligerent tone sat down next to me. It was like a trigger of trauma.
We went to the police again in Oct when he kept ambushing my calls to Mum or hers to me (which I later realised he had set up, but not on video obviously) this way and I was in a terrible state. They said in Scotland coercive and controlling behaviour only applies to a domestic partner. When he did it again after Xmas and I was profoundly distressed again we called the English police because there it applies to family members. We found out the care home had told lies to the police about me that I never call and painted me as uncaring. The police obviously weren’t interested in someone who purportedly doesn’t care about their mum and said they only look at cases where the controller lives with the person being controlled and only relates to domestic abuse.
We previously looked into getting a lawyer but it was too expensive. My husband has a good salary but it all goes on mortgage and bills. We tried the mediator that social services had recommended but they wouldn’t help.
We now have found another mediator but the whole point of that was to try and see mum Christmas but there wasn’t time and she didn’t come home anyway.
Today after being dismissed by Manchester police and painted as indifferent by the “care” home. I had an episode where I just froze, I couldn’t move, my body locked up for 4 hours and my husband had to get an ambulance. I went to pieces again, pure fear when the paramedics walked in because they were both tall males & one of them had his build and facial characteristics. I knew they were there to help but it was like another part of me didn’t know.
I’m at my wits end and my body is shutting down which is exactly what he wants. If running me down and ensuring I am dismissed by the authorities doesn’t shut me up I think he is driving me to act in such a way that I will be me sectioned or locked up. That is what it feels like. I am a nature lover who picks up litter every day. I have several degrees and speak four languages. He dropped out of university as an alcoholic before blagging his way into a good job.
Two days ago when he ambushed my call to mum again, toyed with me and manipulated me all the while keeping me on the line in the hope of speaking to Mum, graphic violent scenarios against him & his wife played out in my head. That’s when we called the Mcr police but no one helps.
It is as though mum is in limbo, not dead but not alive - not from her illness but from the way she has been cut off from us. I can’t grieve for her properly because she’s still alive but we have been prevented from having the relationship we had or any relationship by him. The situation is destroying me and affecting my family terribly. I can’t let go and move on but I can’t tolerate the situation I’m in. Since a small child he engineered situations to where he could enjoy seeing me in pain. I think his main motivation is her assets though because my parents were well off. He probably won’t bother trying to get me me written out of the will because the way he is going he will probably have spent it all. I’m dealing with a monster as greedy as it is sadistic and as cunning.
Does anyone know of any forum specifically for people with controlling, manipulative & intimidating siblings/relatives? I know it is common.
Every time I tried to get help from anywhere official everything gets worse.