Cooing with difficulties surrounding Dad after Mum passed away

Coping with bereavement
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Hi there.

I am new to the site and have recently lost my beautiful, caring and clever mum. My battles are surrounding how my Dad was with my Mum in the last year of her life, raising objections about aspects of her care, such as being resentful about equipment needed for my Mum, actively preventing carers from using Mums hoist for example, resulting in her staying in hospital for much longer, when she then contracted pneumonia. Also being hostile towards me when I was arranging aspects of Mum’s care, being cold towards my Mum, refusing help for himself, lifting Mum several times resulting in her having falls and seizures so then she was hospitalised. Complaining about cost of her care even though he got a lot of free care hours for her and my sister and myself helped out this way too.
My dilemma is whilst I have concerns about my Dad who is 91, he actively refuses help, is rude towards me constantly, preferring my sisters company who panders to him. The week my mum passed away he showed her no affection, no real support, would sit in the arm chair and look away. The night she passed away I sat with her and felt guilty for falling asleep for a little while myself. I couldn’t get the DNs to come out and give her more of the anticipatory medicines, resulting in her being restless towards the end. I feel I let her down in this way. But my Dad just was more concerned with getting his tea on time and going to bed. He had previously said he cared for her only in the sense that she was his wife and he felt it his duty. He has also been talking about another woman in his cycling group just a week before Mum passed away and in the last few days. I was advised to keep my distance from him for now but the dilemma is he is 91. I think he is living in some distorted sense of reality. I find it hard to forgive how he has been regarding Mum’s care and all the barriers he has put up to try and prevent her accessing care.

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Hello @Pauline60,

I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support. In the meantime, you may wish to look at these Sue Ryder resources which might be helpful.

I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,

Alex

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Thanks Alex

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Hi @Pauline60
I am sorry to hear you are having to go through this with your dad, while grieving for your mom, I don’t understand how anyone can act like that, towards someone so ill, the only logical thoughts I can come up with are A) maybe he has dementia, or maybe B) he is struggling with his feelings towards your mum, maybe he feels hurt with the concept of being left & isn’t coping, maybe he thinks it’s easier to act that way than admit he cares, & is sad to loose her, I don’t know, I don’t know him, or you, so can’t say what he feels or thinks, but I do understand that it’s hard on you to have to put up with him acting like that :pensive: sending hugs of support.

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Thanks for your message.

Yes, it had occurred to me that he was detaching himself but it was awful for Mum who could still hear him perfectly well.
I do also wonder if he has some early memory issues going on but he is still able to rationalise I feel.
Your message has helped me feel a bit better

Thank you!

Paulinex

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