coping alone

recently became a widow 3 weeks ago and OMG how do you cope? I am so lonely and lost after being together for 52 years you are now entirely on your own in EVERYTHING. found myself in tears while trying to undo a screw whilst trying to keep busy and out trying to do the garden which my husband always tended I felt like I was invading his space stupid i Know, but I honestly cannot do this. yes you know that one day one of you are going to be left alone but you never prepare for it .

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@silvie68
It is so difficult trying to do it all and my heart goes out to you.
My way of coping is to try to make him proud by doing the best I can at all the jobs he used to do. I’m sure he’s sometimes saying ‘what the heck do you think you’re doing?’ but I can only try.

He would be SO pleased with you trying to keep the garden nice though so be proud of yourself.

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Hi @silvie68
First of all I am sorry for the loss of your husband so recently - I am 8 weeks along this road none of us want to travel.
A friend described it as wandering along a meandering country lane, not knowing what will be around the next bend and suddenly there’s a sharp corner, of life, to negotiate and then the lane continues for you to explore. The analogy comforts me.
You are bound to feel lost and overwhelmed - that is the norm but in time it will become easier and you will hopefully feel comforted doing the garden and feel your husband with you.
Please be kind with yourself - you are not alone with this site as we can all empathise and support you with your situation. We care x

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I like what your friend said about the country lane. I also had a friend who said to be kind to yourself (a very difficult thing to do) but I do try. I also had a friend who said, you’ve got a new life, get on with it, she’s the kindest person you can imagine and she certainly didn’t understand how that hurt. Another thing I was told (1st time was only 6 weeks after losing the love of my life of 40 years) was you’ll meet someone else & he would want you to! I know it’s hard to know sometimes what to say but blumming heck!

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@silvie68 I am so sorry for your loss. You are at a very early stage and will still be in shock. The loneliness you feel is caused by the tearing away of your loved one. It is internal, an emotional void in the heart left by the loss of our life partners - our love, our shared dreams of the future our enjoyment of the mundane and the exciting in daily life. Distraction and being surrounded by family and friends does not take this away, sometimes it makes it worse. You will have bad days but you will find empathy here. Although we all cope differently and people are at different stages, we all experience pain we never imagined possible. Love and support to you on this journey you are just beginning. Post when you need. XX

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My heart goes out to you and I know what you’re trying to say, I feel the same. The best advice I can give you is take one day at a time, cry when you need to and take baby steps. There will be bad days, then not so bad days, you’ll think you are making progress, but something (anything) will knock you right back down. I am 6 months in, I keep thinking I’m managing then the simplest thing is upsetting (this weekend has been among the hardest for me) you feel you’ve let yourself down, for not being stronger, but you just can’t help it. Baby steps & try and be kind to yourself x

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I know how you feel when my husband died suddenly in June after the shock. I suddenly had to start sorting the finances out l always left that to my Geoff.
If I needed to do anything in the house Geoff did it or any thing to do with tech. Since he has passed away I have had to learn quickly how to pay the bills and tackle the internet.
But it’s the simple things like putting up pictures, changing lights bulbs and dealing with trades men which is more awkward.
Because of my husband background he knew if they were pulling the wool over his eyes. I have not got a clue . I really never appreciated how much he did , I feel very guilty. I miss him so much not just for the things I have mentioned but for being my one true love :two_hearts:

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@Sulane Gosh that must have hurt.
I am nine months in to this grief journey (or walk down country lane @Markswife - I like that) and the idea that I may find someone else quite frankly makes me feel sick. I adored my husband of 29 years and all our life together before that. I am not interested in being with anyone else - it’s HIM I miss, not a partner. When you have loved someone so deeply it’s not as if they can EVER be replaced.

Trying to decide whether I feel lonely and I’m not sure - I miss Richard totally but that’s a different thing to being lonely. Is missing one particular person the same?

Love to all going through this ordeal. xxx

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I agree about being lonely, l am so lucky to have found my Geoff.
We went to the same school but I didn’t notice him until I was eighteen. I started going out with him at 22 Geoff was 2 yrs older than me. I am now 63

Because he is part of me l know he is always with me. We went through so much together, bringing up two special needs children and our daughter dying at 22.
It either makes you or breaks you, l was lucky.
I don’t blame people or judge them for getting married or seeking another partner especially if they are young .
But no one will replace my Geoff, he was the kindest, loving intelligent man . They broke the mould when they made him xx

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Yes @Jeanine1 you have been through so much and were obviously such a strong team. Nothing can take away the love we shared with your special menfolk and it will never be forgotten or replaced.

Love to you. xxx

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I certainly don’t blame anyone who takes a second chance if they find it. I just didn’t like being told that I would and that it was what Mark would have wanted. I wanted to scream “how the * do you know that?” I also met Mark at 18, we had 40 happy years together, and (when I feel strong) I think if this pain is the price I have to pay, well so be it, as a friend (whom I hadn’t seen since school) said last week about another school friend who has been in an unhappy & abusive marriage for nearly as long, that she would never know what we had. I was sorry about the second friend, don’t get me wrong, but it helped to think like that. Take care & do your best x

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I agree @Sulane - I feel incredibly lucky to have had the sort of love many never experience, no matter how hard it makes losing them. I’d do it all again even knowing that pain. I even think about my daughter getting married this year that I hope one of them does have to experience this pain as it will mean they will have loved each other that much.

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Someone told me that maybe I’d find someone else. I treated the remark with the contempt it deserved. I could never want anyone else. It’s only ever been him since I met him at 16 and he was 18. I’m just hanging around now, waiting to be with him again. Love and strength to you all xx. Jean.

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Have you heard the words to Heaven’s Now My Home (put the title & funeral song, in search engine, it’s by Libby L Allan ) there are male & female singers. I had it at Marks funeral as I find the words a comfort, I would love to think it may give you some comfort also x

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Hello all
I haven’t written anything yet on this site
It’s been 8 months of heartache since my husband and best friend left me
He always promised he would never leave me and he has and I’m not strong enough to do this on my own
I’m 71 this year I meet him when I was 14 married at 18 only child I went from my parents to him never lived alone
I have 3 great kids and grandchildren good friends lovely neighbors and home no money worries but I just want to not wake up every day
I spend time going from family member to family member sometimes sleeping on a sofa bed in my daughters study
I had cervical cancer in 2020 my Grandaughter recieved a kidney from my daughter in 2021 came out of hospital in Jan 22 then my mother was found to have a brain tumour spent 8 wks in the hospice we were there all day every day and died in April 22
After that my husband and I decided we would go on 19 th of June to our home we had renovated together in France for the summer. We hadn’t been able to use it much because of everything I have written and covid
He was fit well didn’t take any medication went and sat in the garden ti wait for me to go out and I found him on the ground
I am a retired cardiac nurse of 29yrs I couldn’t save him
Now I’m dealing with all my mum’s affairs his affairs our home in France and due this week for CT scan and see oncology
I’m at the end of my tether I really do just want to lay down and join him
I have tried EMDR as they say o have ptsd acupuncture herbal medication
Dr has given me a prescription for antidepressant sertraline but I’m nervous of taking it as it can cause side effects because of radiotherapy to pelvis
I really don’t know which way to turn

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Hi Yorey
Be proud you have survived to today.
This experience is horrific for you. But you can do this with the right support from others.
I tell myself l will honour my husband memory by keeping going
We still have our tomorrow’s as painful as it is without our husband’s
They are right here guiding us with everything they taught us
They died loving us and us loving them
Hold on to this it can never be changed
Try to take only one day at a time and look after yourself it’s really important now
Sending you so much heartfelt hugs and strength from one grieving widow to another. X

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@Catherine60p

You have said words exactly as if I had written them, only more eloquently. Thank you.
And yes @Yorey , be proud of surviving. What you have been through is immense but you are here and talking to others.
I do hope this forum will help you as there are many on here who will understand what you are going through.
Hugs xxx

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Thank you both for your kind words

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Gosh yes so many things and somehow try and muddle along.
I still hopeless trying to sort shopping. He did it mostly. I looked in cupboard and bought same thing I didn’t need and not something I did need. Confusion. Too much to think of. Yes do a list then forget where I put it. No not crazy. Just overwhelmed.

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