I am dreading Christmas more than ever this year. It’s been 7 years this year since I lost my brother. He was my favourite person and Christmas was a big deal for us growing up. Both our birthdays were in December and our family always had the most special times. I’m so grateful to have been so incredibly lucky and have that. But since he died, December is the worst time of year for me. I know my parents struggle too. I’m still completely heart broken, and the thing about grief is people expect you to have moved on by now and be coping better. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got better at pretending to be normal and ok for other people’s sakes. For the past 6 Decembers, it’s been a journey trying to figure out a new normal, but every year has just been horrendous and exhausting. I’m lucky to have a lot of friends, family and work colleagues, and for everyone else life goes on and I understand others still want to celebrate and want to kindly include you to be part of festivities; but I haven’t wanted to do any of it since we lost my brother. I’m in my 30’s and don’t have kids, and the kids of the family are all grown up so there’s not as much pressure as I guess there could be. I’ve never been good at being straight talking. I’ve said “I struggle with my birthday, and Christmas etc” but then I pretend to be ok and buy presents and take part in stuff and pretend to be normal for others sakes so I guess I send mixed messages. For some reason, this year feels worse than ever. I’m already in tears about the thought of it even being December. I think it’s because I finished trying to figure out the new ‘normal’ and realised no matter what we do it’s always going to feel awful. Friends, work and family members are already starting to pester about plans and all I want to do is disappear for a month. It feels dreadful to be a grinch, and to turn people down when they’re wanting to do nice things with you and you don’t. I know this year I need to be better at politely turning plans down and setting boundaries, whilst also respecting other people’s wish to celebrate. If anyone’s got any advice on how to word these conversations or deal with a difficult month I’d appreciate the advice. Thank you.
Hello Natalie10
I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about your brother. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.
It’s ok to not celebrate Christmas or your birthday, this year or any year. We have advice and support on coping with grief at Christmas at Coping with grief at Christmas | Sue Ryder
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support. In the meantime, you may wish to look at these Sue Ryder resources which might be helpful.
- Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
- Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
- Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
- Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care, Rhi