Coping but only just!

After 33 years of marriage and many,many more of knowing him I lost my husband to cancer six weeks ago. I nursed him at home and he died where he wanted to be, in his own home with his family close by. I have surprised myself and others with my strength and mean it when I say that my overwhelming feeling has been sheer relief that he is no longer suffering. I am trying to keep busy and fill my time and this is helping. My three daughters and their menfolk have been wonderful and are my rocks but all live away and I am very aware that they have their own lives . Eventually there will be a weekend when they are unable to visit as they have done so far.I miss him so much and find that it is little things that upset me . It is good but sad to know that there are others reading who understand.

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I am so with you on this!I seemed to find an inner strength when my husband died 2 weeks ago but it seems to have left me now.I have 2 kids who live down South and I get messages from them but it doesn’t replace a hug!We were a good team,together for 20 years and married for 13.I never knew loneliness would be so hard.I miss having him to talk to,to laugh with over silly little things.Everyone says one day at a time but the days are so long and bedtime can’t come soon enough!Take care,Jill x

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Thank you Jill. I am , as I said surprised at my strength but then I know that he would want me to get on with life. To be honest I am feeling better in some ways now than in the months when he was ill and I was worrying about him. To a certain extent I think I was grieving even then. Those months were horrendous. We had been to Gran Canaria for a winter holiday and he was taken ill while there with a chest infection. He was never really right again and it was awful watching him go downhill health wise. One thing I really miss is reminiscing memories which only we had! Holidays, events, jokes etc.I will get there because he would want me to but it is so hard. Hugs to you too. x

Hi, You are not alone and I can certainly relate to what you are now feeling. I nursed my husband at home single handed as he wanted no one else with him. He died in my arms in the early hours of the morning.
I know your grief and that you was grieving long before he actually passed away because you knew what the outcome would be. Just being able to care for Brian was a privilege and I also felt that feeling of relief that his pain was over when he breathed his last.
There is an inner strength that we find but by having so much to cope with mentally and physically both before and after eventually can burn us out and reality steps in. It has just been a year for me and I have no idea where the time has gone, it has been a rollercoaster of a ride. Little things will trigger a memory, you will have days when you just want to bury yourself away, you will probably have all sorts of mixed emotions but be kind to yourself, its alright to do this. Carry on keeping busy and continue to fill your time and take those tiny steps that seems to be the norm and above all keep looking for that tiny light, it does appear eventually. We all understand and cope as best we can. Keep with the forum there is always a helping hand on a bad day.
Pat xx

Thank you Pat. I really appreciate your kindness. I fully intend to keep busy and my three daughters are encouraging me with regular weekends home with me. Next weekend I am going to London to meet one of them and we are having a girlie weekend and taking in a show.I fully intend to get on with life but as you said there are days/ moments when you just want to hibernate. I expect I have to just go with the flow.Thank you for being there and listening and for your support. Ann x

Hi Ann, I forgot to say that when those tears come then don’t fight it. I cry most mornings when I wake up and now accept it as part of my life, will I ever stop crying, who knows. I don’t think so though. It’s a token of my love for Brian, showing him that I haven’t forgotten him. Getting on with life is what we have to do, although it might well be a different life and not what we had planned. Some days might well be total s**t but others you will get through reasonably well. Enjoy your weekend in London.
Pat xxx

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