Hi Janet 1949
Please don’t think you did wrong by your husband going to his sisters I’m sure if he was anything like George if he didn’t want to go he would have said no .
I think like most men when they are really not felling well they don’t say anything George would not say to me if he had been felling unwell .
I think we can all think at time if I done this or said that or I should of seen or noticed something but we could not change the out come .
The week before George took his heart attack he was away for the week end with his pal and I was working just a few days after he came home he took the heart attack and I was so angry that I had been working and hadn’t gone with them .
I know it’s overwhelming and heartbreaking and I cry so much as we all do as long as we all muddle through take support from each other and know we are truly not alone then I’m praying we all come through with peace in our hearts and just happy loving memories of our beautiful partners .
Thinking of you all big hugs all round
Lily
Hi Lily
I’m not feeling as bad as I did about Jack going to his sisters birthday, I’m relieved that others are helping me, Yvonne got in touch and made me realise that I shouldn’t feel guilty about it, and you are saying the same so it does help me a lot.
Jack was just like your George he never said anything when he wasn’t feeling well, he had a fall and went into hospital on the 16th November 2017, the doctors told me on the 28th November that he had terminal liver cancer which had spread to his adrenal glands and his lymph nodes. He died 8 days later, he must’ve suffered terribly, the doctors said that he would’ve been ill for a long time. We were always together just the two of us, perhaps seeing him everyday I’d not noticed the changes in him, although he always wanted to sleep all the time. I feel so heartbroken to think how much he must have been suffering and not said anything to me, he wasn’t ever keen to see a doctor that’s probably another reason he never said anything in case I made him see the doctor!
I’m crying as I write this, another day frightened and alone, I miss Jack so much. As you say the we have happy loving memories of our beautiful partners, I’m hoping too that we can all get through this awful time with some peace in our hearts, and to know we are not alone it does help.
I’m thinking of you all big hugs from me
Janet
Hi Janet 1949
I am pleased you fell better about jack going to his sisters party and That is such a positive thing .
Our kids had all left home 12 years ago so it was also just George and myself plodding along both of us working and just enjoying life together we just had each other all the time I don’t live on the mainland but all our children do so it was just us George said we were like to peas in a pod he bought me a chain with a pea pod in silver with two wee peas in it I have it on all the time .
I cry just like you and everyone on this site and this empty felling is so vast and the hurt is so overwhelming that I know some were in side my George and your jack are keeping us going as everyone’s loved ones are doing and with the support we can all give to each other I’m so thankful for this forum because good or bad days we are all here for each other take care hugs to everyone.
Lily
I’m sure that you’re right, It’s a man thing. My husband has been so ill for the last 18 months and I didn’t really realise how bad things were. It was just getting through one illness, one hospital stay, one lot of chemo at a time. And all the time he was deteriorating in front of me, and I didn’t realise how ill he was. We probably argued most in the last few weeks and I feel so guilty that I didn’t know that he was so ill and that was all we were going to have. I really thought that he would come out of hospital (as he always did).
I look back at photos, and listen to voice recordings and he sounds so ill. Even his voice had changed and I didnt notice. HOW? I’m so sorry my dear.
Hi Lily
Thank you for getting in touch, I’m so grateful for the posts I had about the party, if it hadn’t been for being able to talk about it, I would still be feeling very guilty, it’s such a relief that I can look at the photos and see how happy Jacks sister was with him by her side. Like you and George it was just me and Jack all the time, and we had our routine. I’m like you with the silver pea pod that George bought for you, I wear a silver dragonfly on a chain that Jack got me on my birthday. I’m up again after another sleepless night, to the usual loneliness, my daughter took me shopping yesterday afternoon, then we went back to her home, so for a few hours I had company. Then back here to my empty home, it’s so frightening as you come in and realise you’re so alone. I’m like you so thankful for this forum, to be able to be in touch with others in this awful situation. Hugs to you and everyone.
Janet
Hi Carera
Thank you for getting in touch, I’m like you as I looked at the photo taken just over a month before he died and looking at another from last Christmas, you can see the difference he’s much thinner and looking very unhappy. Jack had the fall which put him in hospital, like you I thought he would come out and back home to our usual routine. The shock of being told he had terminal liver cancer, and then he died 8 days later on 6th December 2017, was indescribable. Like you the last few weeks of his life were very hard, I had so much to do, my daughter suggested getting a carer to help. I find myself thinking, maybe if he’d had different food, or anything that I could’ve changed would he still be here? I’m the same as you I didn’t notice, how he’d changed, the doctors said he’d had the cancer for a long time. I feel so guilty too, to think he must’ve been suffering for so long right in front of me, like you say how? I’m sitting here alone after another sleepless night, I miss him so much. I’m thinking of you, and everyone on this forum, just trying to get through each day, take care
Janet
Hi Janet 1949
I’m so happy you aren’t felling guilty anymore about jack going to the party it lovely that you have a dragonfly that jack gave you these things have such sentimental memories of happy times I look at my wee peas in a pod and smile .I have a book that I write in every night I put down how things have went that day and how I am felling I write it as if I’m writing it to George as I do it I cry my eyes out but I fell for me it gets everything out I know it sounds daft I can write some nights for 2hours and other nights is only a short time .
My friend lost her husband 3years ago and she went for help and was advised to try writing thing down she said it helped her so I’m giving it ago .
When I go out of the house or come back in I tell George where I’m going and I talk to him as I go about the house .
I went to the docs today to get something to help me sleep I live in a very close community so everyone New George and myself so I cried all through my appointment.
I’m returning to work on February that I now will be very hard as my beautiful George died in the ward next to my ward .
I’m sorry Janet I’m just going on and on please take care big hug to everyone .
Lily
Hi Lily
It’s so nice to hear from you, it sounds like a good idea to get a book and write things down, I’ll have to try it. I know for sure like you it will make me cry. I also talk to Jack when I’m indoors, I’ve cried again today, the loneliness is awful.
I’ll be thinking of you when you return to work, I know how hard it’s going to be. Everytime I’ve gone past the hospital where Jack died, I feel so upset.
As I’ve said before it’s reassuring to be in contact with others who understand what we’re all going through, it’s helped talking to you. I know I’m not alone, a big hug to you and everyone, take care.
Janet
Really sorry Janet,
You are not alone. I too am not sleeping, and just try to get through each day, although I cant really see any point at the moment.
It is a lonely life, even with people around you.
I feel so guilty too. I just want him back. I wonder if we would have done anything differently though. I like to think so, but hind sight is brilliant!
Take care
Hi Carera
I’m up after another sleepless night, another day to get through alone. Like you say hindsight is brilliant! It’s always on my mind too, if I’d done something different for Jack, would he still be here? I miss him so much we were always together, this empty home is unbearable. Even when I’m out, it’s like you say you still feel lonely with people around, I dread going back home and opening the door knowing Jack’s not there anymore and it’s just me on my own. I’m thinking of you and everyone going through this awful situation, thank you for getting in touch. Take care
Janet
Hi Carera
I feel for you we are members a Club that no one wants to join. Whilst no always successful I do think ’ what my wife say if she saw me like this?’ My thoughts then range from the normal to someimes funny . But seriously it makes me connect in a way that goes someway to accepting the loss
Thanks bobt, that’s a really good idea.
My husband told everyone that I am strong and that I would be ok.
If he could see me now!!
yes but remember you still need to feel unhappy - so i’m told
Hi. I am sorry for you both, it seems I have something in common with you, I lost my protective blanket, my husband about 6 weeks ago. I have no parents and have 5 siblings. They do ring when they feel like it and I feel as if I got to ask for help all the time which makes me feeling very upset and resentful at times as I wonder what they would do ? Friends are the same, I have to get out all the time to see them. I keep askinf why don’t people knock on the door ?
I was given a good piece of advice by a widowed friend.When you get an invite take it - it may not be your choice but go because you may not get another. If you do you can then decline the next citing something else. With the knotty problem of family ,there is a sift mechanism. Sift into those to who you can say’ will you listen please, I’m not expecting you to give me a solution but talking will help me’.To those who upset you or you feel beholden, keep them at arms length. It may be selfish but you are the one that is widowed and unless they are they have no idea. Saying to people ‘what do you think my husband would have made of that or referring to him happily will put visitors at their ease. I forced myself to host a group of friends at New Year, we had all got together for 20 years at least,.We had a great party and we all missed Pat. Friends were able to offer practical help with food and drink and entertainment. Ok it was a bit of bump the next day but a hurdle was crossed. Re door knocking it may be that people don’t want to be trapped /struggle to converse -try’ the kettle is on - have you got 5 minutes there is something I want to ask ( make sure it is not grief related
Hope this helps
Hi Sootysweeps
I am really sorry for the loss of your protective blanket your husband it is just so heartbreaking and sadly at times family doesn’t do what we think they should do but I think we have got to remember that everyone even on this site will be dealing with things in there own way .
I have 5 kids all adults who are dealing differently with the loss of there dad as is my sister in laws.
There is no right or wrong way I meet up with friends out side the house which helps me as I then have to go out and that helps me again we are all dealing with this horrendous journey in different ways but we are all here to help each other don’t be so hard on your self just remember you have to heal this is a truly heartbreaking journey sending hugs to everyone .
Lily
Sorry for your loss I havn’ t been here for a few days I had to go back to work,it was the longest days ever, I know how you feel,keeping up with everyone at work they know how I feel, i trying to laugh with them but I’m In a daze all the time, trying to understand all this emotion,I come and cry,not knowing what to do. Feeling guilty for laughing but not knowing i’am doing it.i"am just beside myself with emotion x
Hi Penne1965
I go back to work at the end of the month the ward I work in is directly across from the one my George passed away in I know the staff and doctors very well not looking forward to it .
My friend lost her husband 3years ago we work together and I remember working with her it was heartbreaking she would be working away with me and when I would look at her face the tears would be running down her face she would go to the loo and then Carry on we would tell her to go home she would say it’s easer being in work it keeps me going .
She would say to us at handover if you see tears in my eyes please just let me do what I’m doing she said you can’t take this pain away and that is how she dealt with it after a time she did stop crying and she sent a card for the staff it said thanking you for allowing me to grieve with all your support .
Hugs to you all .
Lily
Hi Lily,
I’m really sorry to hear that you work so close to where your George passed away. I can’t imagine how hard that will be.
I have trouble just driving along the road to our old house. Tears streaming down my face, and we moved 2 years ago. How daft is that?
It sounds like you have some good work colleagues, and one who knows exactly how you’re feeling. Hopefully that will go some way to making it very slightly less painful. (we can but hope).
Sending you a big hug x
Hello Penne1965,
Please don’t feel guilty about anything. We’re all muddling through as best we can, and if something makes you laugh or smile, that’s a good thing. It doesn’t happen very often!