coping with bereavement of my husband

Losing a partner
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Hi Mary72. Well its almost 14 months for me. If I am honest I still have really bad days and I am lonely but I know I have to get on with things. I see one of my sons more than the other because I do a couple of days school run, but have them all here for Sunday roast, one son every Sunday the other son alternate as they see his wifes parents, although he rings me often.

I have tried going out to lunch and thought about joining “classes” but its just not me, I never wanted to do that sort of thing before and it doesnt sit right with me now.I come to realise that I was happy going out in the morning to collect things from the shops and being at home during the afternoon and evening because he would get tired. I went on holiday with my son, daughter in law and granddaughter at the end of August and then the day after I came home I had to have my 16 year old faithful cat put to sleep which really rocked me as it was only a couple of days from the anniversary of Barry’s death. I have thought long and hard about how to cope with being on my own, I dont like it, but dont want to put any pressure on the boys, they have enough to cope with trying to earn a living, still suffering from the loss of their dad, and looking after their families. I have thought long and hard and I now realise that I dont want to go out lunching all the time, and do enjoy my home but as its lonely I rightly or wrongly have just got a puppy, its hard work but funny and its another presence in the house to things during the evening especially with the nights drawing in.

I dont know how I have got through the last 12 months,to be honest, I think I just took and take it a day at a time. I still have some really bad days and evenings and wonder what the heck I’m doing, and get really racked of when people say things like it will get easier, especially those who still have their husbands. On the one hand my life has totally changed but some things remain the same, if you know what I mean. I still like a laugh at stuff and hate being sad. People have said to me that I can do what I want now, but that feels alien. Since 1972 I have considered what WE want, so its hard to thing what I want, because I dont even know, and making decisions alone feels odd.

I am so sorry for your loss, the only thing I can say is that you will find a way of coping because youve got no choice. I think for me I know he would not have wanted to spend whatever life he had with an oxygen mask on and would not have taken to well being nursed hand and foot, although I would have. I do have flashbacks about that horrid night when he died… I wish I could tell you that it will get better but for me I just cope the best I can, and try to enjoy things but you will find a way that makes you feel better even if its only for an hour or so here and there. Please be kind to yourself and if you feel like crying, cry and if you find yourself laughing at something, dont feel guilty. I tell Barry in my head what I’ve been doing and can almost here him tutting about the puppy and about the stupid things I do because I’m clumsy.

Please take care, keep in touch

June C

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Dear June C
Thank you so much for your speedy reply. It has only been since June that I have been without my husband although he was getting increasingly unwell for quite a while before the true extent of his illness was given a name. Then we had a few weeks together most of which were dominated by the effects of opiates to relieve his pain. He was everything to me, we did everything together. We were just ordinary, loved walking and the countryside, a quiet life. Exploring places but not world travellers and now it is really hard because I have to find out who I am after all these years. I am not a great adventurer on my own. In a way, today joining in with the conversations has been good, it has opened my eyes and mind to not being in a totally alone place that no one else understands. I have not recently been able to talk about how I truly feel, because friends and family have moved on. Very few people understand what it’s like to get back to an empty quiet house, or go for a walk on my own. Even finding the enthusiasm to do small things is a challenge . I know I have to find reserves deep within me and ‘take one day at a time’ but at the moment I am having to learn how. A pet would be a good idea because I am feeling the emptiness of not having anything or anyone at home to love but I am not ready for that responsibility yet. I was pleased to read your honesty about your present situation. I can go forward knowing that I am not any different from anyone else going through this awful time. Obviously I must not expect too much too soon and allow myself to be sad at his loss when the feelings overwhelm me. Not easy. Thank you.

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Hello Mary,
You have friends here that you can say anything to. I’m so sorry that you’ve lost your husband and we all understand much of what you’re feeling, although we have to remember that everyone is different and have different ways of coping. My husband also died quite soon after his diagnosis and I struggle to understand what we did in those few weeks, it seems as though we didn’t talk about his illness and now I can’t believe we ‘wasted’ the time.
Don’t push yourself too hard, tiny steps and little challenges. Just going out on your own is an achievement. We did a lot of walking, it was our hobby and now I find walking on my own very difficult but I try.
Getting up every day is a major achievement, so be kind to yourself and have little treats.
Keep in touch,

X Chris

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Thank you so much.

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Hello June, Mary, Tilly and all. A puppy is a joyful thing to get, well done you. I have 2 dogs and I honestly don’t know what I would have done without them. It’s been 16 months now since my husband died from a sudden heart attack. My dogs give me a reason to get up in a morning. They have to be fed and walked so gets me out in the fresh air. I can relate to everything you all say. Everything I do is tinged with sadness but I do find I can laugh again, much like you June. I have even started singing again which I couldn’t do. I used to sing all the time and it used to drive my husband mad. But singing and happiness go together and so it didn’t seem right to sing. You’re right about feeling guilty too June - I did feel guilty for laughing and singing and I still do but know I shouldn’t. I hate being sad, I’m a happy person by nature and I’m finding it such a struggle carrying my sadness and grief around but know I will have it for the rest of my life. So we have to find our way somehow and do what works for us. This site is incredible and everyone on it is simply incredible too. I get such comfort and understanding. Sending love. Xx

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Good morning Crazy Kate. It’s 7.30 on Monday morning. I have just read your post. Yesterday was my first day of conversations on this site and I went to bed last night feeling a quietness inside me. No tears yesterday. At last I have found people who know exactly what I am feeling, who I can relate to. I feel a huge relief inside. I have just made a cup of tea and for a very long time, replying to your post, do not feel the overwhelming emotions of aloneness A few weeks ago I joined a singing group on a Monday, not because I am a good singer but because I walk to get there and back and it’s not musically demanding. It gets me out of the house even though it was really hard to walk into the venue on my own on the very first day. I have never kept an animal because it was not right for my husband but I can see that it would be a wonderful focus for all the unused love and care. Today is another day. With this site I got through yesterday. Thanks to all you people who are helping me and others like me.

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Oh Mary, you have made my day start well too. I am so pleased that you have got something positive from this forum. We are here to help each other. We are united in grief. I hope your day continues to go well. Big hug x

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Hi Mary72

Thanks for your reply. We too liked the simple things, liked our holidays but equally enjoyed the ordinary things we did together, and being in each others company 24/7 was fine. We hardly ever argued and if we did it was always something to do with someone else.

I think we are too hard on ourselves. How can we get over this horrific amputation , we can’t but you have taken a big step forward whether you realise it or not. You are taking the first steps to try and get on and it takes guts. People say we will get over it like its a cold or something, but they have no idea how can they.

I have just returned from a five day holiday with my cousin who lost her daughter to suicide a few years ago, a mystery as her life was looking good. Nursing career, had booked driving lessons and was saving for a car, and then her husband died about 10 years ago. She looks after her granddaughter and her 2 great grandchildren and has never been on a proper holiday till now. I look at her and her struggles , with money and health and she just gets on with life. I am just glad I had the life I had with Barry. I wish he was still here but he’s not and I will never get over the loss ever but I must keep counting my blessings and try to look at what I have , and not what I don’t ,but it’s hard.

I am pleased you find this forum helpful, I certainly do. It’s difficult talking to your children because they too are suffering. I remember when my dad died, my mum never let her face slip when we saw her and kept saying she was ok, but she had worn away a bit of the picture frame holding a picture of her and dad smiling. She must have rubbed it off over time. I made a joke once saying was it a magic lamp and she just laughed.

People have said to me to remember the good times but that makes it even worse it like prodding my heart with a sharp stick and when someone showed me a photo of us taken at a bbq a few years ago all it did was make me feel sick and I had to make an exit for a while… Not the reaction expected I don’t think.

Don’t be too hard on yourself , but from the sound of you I don’t think you will just roll over because you have already got your head in gear to move forward by opening up and that’s good.

Take care
June C

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I am finding that just by having these conversations within this community is a relief and help, an outlet for how I feel. The most wonderful husband of mine was taken from me within a few months and since his death I have been through periods of numbness, being totally bereft, suddenly in tears, totally overwhelmed by the loss. It has been really difficult to be on my own without my dearest love. I am pushing myself to get out, go for a walks and look to ways, day by day, that fill the emptiness. It is very hard to do these things on my own, but that is the way it is now. I do have very kind and loving sons and very good friends, but I do not expect them to totally understand what I am going through A couple of days ago, I had a feeling that I should put on the ring we bought for my husband on the day we were engaged, which he always wore on his ring finger and am now wearing it with my wedding ring on my left hand. A small gesture. I am certain my husband is with me in spirit, because we were so close and now, with his ring I feel there is a physical connection which is comforting.
It might be all in the mind but this small action has helped me feel he is with me still. I can see it and remember our years together and touch it along side my wedding ring

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Good morning Mary. I too like to wear stuff of my husband’s. I had his watch adjusted so I could wear it. Sometimes I wrap his dressing gown around and snuggle into it. I wear his coat to walk the dogs - it’s big but I don’t care. Also I have his fingerprint on a pendant around my neck. All of these things help give me a connection with him. I’m really pleased you’re wearing your husband’s ring. Much love xx

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Hi Mary 72

I know exactly what you mean about the emptiness and the feeling of bereft… What you are feeling is exactly the same for me and its over a year now. I try so hard to get on every day and like you appreciate the care from family and friends but its so hard on our own after being with that person.

I think I mentioned I have got a puppy and she keeps me really busy and its hard work. She has had her 2nd injection so will be able to go out at the end of next week and I am hoping this will make me go for a walk because I just cant wander off on my own. I have tried and just end up coming back to this empty house in tears.

I have 2 sons and they have their own family stuff/problems to sort out so tend not to say too much to me about it, I suppose they dont want me to worry or be concerned, and likewise I dont tell them anymore when Ive had a bad day, which maybe not as many as I did when I first lost Barry but I still get that nausea feeling rushing over me. I had a funny experience the other night, I had one of those days and went to bed and for an instant I felt as though he was in the bed with me cuddled in. It was the pillow but I dont recall turning the pillow sideways, maybe I did, but whatever makes us feel better and able to cope is a good thing. Wearing the ring is a lovely idea and if it helps so much the better. Thinking about you and everyone on this site, but thank goodness for it
Regards
June x

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Hello Mary 72. I have just read your post and it is so much like mine. I too lost my husband after 50 years of married life when we did everything together and now I feel empty and life seems so pointless.My daughter lives 150 miles away and is busy with work so I don’t see her often - she doesn’t understand how hard it is. My son lives with me and I try not to burden him with my grief too much as he has his own to deal with. I go to a counsellor at the hospice where my husband spent the last few days of this life. He is so kind and understanding and it helps - a lot. When I mentioned all the little things that I miss being able to tell my husband about, he suggested I write Iain a letter and put it down. I decided to keep a book in which I’m writing all those little things and all the things I want to tell him and how I feel - silly I know but it helps a little bit.

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Dear Menessie

Thank you so much for your message. It is so nice to hear from people through this site. Since I started messaging and reading posts and replies I have felt more capable of coping. Probably this will only be temporary until the next big low but, for me, I am ok with that. Before writing I felt so on my own. My husband and I met when we were 17 and now he has died I am learning, be it slowly, how to work through everything on my own. This site has been a God send. I have not felt that I am struggling totally on my own. I don’t think I could talk to a councillor but that is not to say I never will. I do think though I will start a journal and the next time I walk into town I will buy a special book to do it in. When I am in the house I try to find reasons why I must go out because the silence is deafening, even with the radio or television on. My sons live miles away and are busy, so they come up when they can. My youngest son came to see me last week. It was lovely to see him. There always seem to be odd jobs now which I am not able to do. Amongst the jobs this time he mended a chest of drawers and took me to the garden center because I needed to buy some potting compost. I don’t drive which sometimes is a blessing because I don’t have the hassle of running a car, but sometimes it would be very handy to have a car at my disposal. I manage ok. Online shopping is a great help. It’s a case of getting on with things as best as possible. The weather now has changed. After a bright morning it now looks as if it’s going to rain, and it’s cold, I hope to go out and hope it stays dry long enough to have a walk.

I wish you well and look forward to reading your posts.

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Like you and so many here, I lost my husband 19th May, 2 months after our golden wedding anniversary. The Monday we were told he was coming home the Wednesday of the following week, then Thursday afternoon I was told they’d found a malignancy and he passed away 36 hours later on the Saturday morning, I am so sorry for your loss and it’s very hard to come to terms with, friends can’t understand that there’s no 'quick fix, we can never be prepared for this, and far too many friends and family just don’t really understand. They gone our with heartless comments or are suddenly experts on how you should be coping, living, etc. It’s the most painful heartrendering journey I’ve ever had to deal with and not one is wish on anyone else. Time, they say, helps, suppose it does in a very tiny way, but the loss is always there, yearning for that one more hug or cuddle, so many expect you to carry on as normal within a couple of months, comments such as… are you over it now… are you getting on with your life… you’ve still got all his stuff??? So insensitive. One remark I received from my sister when she was asking if I’d booked a holiday (less than 5 months after my husband passed) added that I should book a cruise because people on their own go on cruises!!! Each and everyone one of us that is trying to cone to terms with the loss of a partner really doesn’t want or need the heartless insensitive comments and remarks especially when everything is still very very raw, in fact we probably don’t need these comments at any time. I’m finding this site most helpful, it doesn’t replace the void left, but it helps us all to know we aren’t alone and can gain support from others who have or still are experiencing these devastating losses. I truly hope you are able to gain a little comfort and support from others that post here, as I said it is still very very raw, done days it’s as through it’s just happened, other days if feels like a a whole lifetime has passed by. Taking baby steps helps a little, losing confidence is a huge set back, perhaps a baby step on the future will correct that, who can say. Just try to cope in the way that is a comfort to you, and I send heartfelt blessings to help you through this tough journey you’ve found yourself making ☆

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Hello and thank you for your reply.It must have been a very big shock for you. I dont know if you have read my posts before but my husband died on a cruise in the middle of nowhere in September 2017 and nothing could be done for him. I had known for a couple of years that he was in a bad way, with heart trouble, defib fitted and on loads of tablets, but he was a very positive person and we just got on with things day by day. Whilst on that ship we booked to take the family away for a week in May 2018, and believe me I had reservations about going back on that ship, but I did and I am glad I did, its what he/we wanted to do and even though I had my moments, I now have memories of my grandchildren enjoying the ship.

I dont know about you, but I do have some pretty horrible days, like Saturday this weekend for some reason I just was in tears all day, dont really know what kicked it off. If you have read my previous posts you will have seen that I lost my faithful old cat within a couple of days of the anniversary of Barry’s passing. I have now got a little puppy, hard work but shes fun and call me mad but its something to focus on. I like you have lost a bit of confidence. People ask how I am and I lie and say I’m ok because I can almost see an intake of breath if I say anything other. One of my daughter in laws doesnt ever ask, maybe she cannt cope with me if I crack, as she has health problems in her family, who knows.

I dont know about going on holiday alone, I have met on cruises some lone travellers and they seem to get along and have a nice time, or so they say. Probably because they have to make the best of their lives and want to have a good laugh and be looked after for a week or two. I miss having things done for me, the cup of tea in the morning and lets be honest, we are doing everything alone, shopping, cleaning, making decisions - and if we have an off day we just have to get on with it. Like you say nobody really can understand what its like until it happens, and I must admit I didnt fully realise it either when I used to hear of people losing their husbands. I know now that they to were putting on a front, not wanting to be miserable.

I think that whatever can make us smile, or give us comfort and helps us cope is something we have no choice but to do for our own sanity. I went to the Doctors and they gave me some phone numbers to ring!! I found this forum and so glad I did because people like yourself and others on here truly understand and somehow it helps .

Please be kind to yourself , says I who feels absolute rubbish today again but the puppy is making her presence felt and sat on my foot, and by the end of this week will be able to go out so that will be interesting.

Thinking about you on this horrid journey

xxx J.

1 Like
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Hello, it must have been a more traumatic time for you being so far from home, we’ve all got our unique circumstances surrounding our own personal loss, no one else can even begin to imagine the emotional turmoil any one person is trying to comprehend. Blessings for your courage ☆

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Hi June6 a I lost my husband 4 weeks ago. I am so very sad, I find also difficult. So so hard. We were married 42 years, there was / is a lot of love for each other- wrote like this because I believe that love doesn’t die. I also tell people I am ok, what else can you say. I find so odd to think that I won’t see him again, hear his voice , feel his touch. My family and friends have been brilliant, supportive, caring but that doesn’t take away my Grieg, my sadness .
Think that I understand how you feel, sometimes I hope I could wake up and he would be here…but I know is not going to happen.
I do hope that the communication in this group will help me and you.

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do you know - when I read your post - it felt as if I have written it. I lost my loved husband 8 weeks ago - family friends are wonderful - but I want to hear his voice feel his hugs. I also feel lost - alone and in in spite of all the support and care I receive - I find difficult to see life without him.
I saw you posted in January - have life improved for you?
Sadie

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Hi Sadie . For me it’s now 15 months and if I’m truthful I think I just blank it out and just do,what I have to,do.,like shopping, cleaning and now looking after the puppy. The pain and that bereft feeling never goes away and I do have bad days . I have 2 sons and their families and do,see them but we never really get to talking “heart to heart” about their dad, I just know they feel it too when they come on home ground, and like their dad they don’t discuss emotions. In fact I have opened up on here more than I can to anyone , which is a blessing because we can’t bottle all this grief up.

You ask has life improved. I don’t know what the answer is. If I think positive thoughts I have my sons and families, a couple of good friends, I,am financially ok
I even found myself rolling with laughter last night when my son told me about something that had happened to him and my other son. On the down side on Wednesday I was in a different place all day and just felt extremely sad, and just felt totally fed up with doing things alone , and I miss him, the hugs and the laughter, and all,this,Christmas stuff doesnt help. In reality I can’t be bothered with it but for the sake of the grandchildren I will put up the tree and some decorations because it’s “our” or should I say “my” turn to host Christmas.

Was your husband I’ll or was it sudden. Barry was not a well person for a couple of years so I knew he would either deteriorate as time went on, or his heart would give out, which is what happened, not that it makes it any easier because I think I just coasted along and went with the flow certainly for the last 6 months of his life, but it was still a shock when he died.

I think like a lot of people on this forum, and thank goodness for it, we are all learning to live a different life, yes it’s one we are forced into and we don’t like it, but we don’t have a choice do,we.? There’s no quick fix but somehow you will get through, don’t be hard on yourself, try to,eat well, and rest when you need to,cry when you want,

Thinking of you in the weeks to come
j

Jx

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Hello June . Was reading your reply to Sadie . 18 weeks ago all hell let loose when my husband got out of bed to go to work and suffered a cardiac arrest. I am still in shock . Went from speaking to each other to collapsed unconscious and CPR within minutes . I started bereavement counselling on Wednesday. Hoping it will help me . Romy xxx