Coping with different situations

My husband died 8 weeks ago, and like many others I have read on here, the grief comes in waves. I have almost got used to him not being at home, but I have brought my mother to her holiday home, and find grieving in a different place really difficult. I often bring my mother here, and always used to text or speak to my husband about what we were doing. I also came here many times with my husband over the years, so I’m missing him with a new pain and intensity. My mother is old and frail, and I do not want to distress her with how upset I feel. It’s as if each new situation brings a fresh wave of grief.

Hello Nancy, I’m so sorry to read of your loss and distress. 8 weeks is no time at all. I understand a little of how you feel. I lost my Husband last year. I’m 52. I left our own home to stay with my Mum (elderly and frail) and Brother in my old family home 25 miles away shortly after my loss. I didn’t really know many people in our neighborhood. It was to be a temporary measure but I’m still here. I wish I’d had the strength to return earlier in the grieving process as I fear I have not felt the full force of his absence due to not being surrounded by his things and the environment that were “ours”.“Things” mean nothing, but they have memories attached and if you are not in those familiar surroundings maybe you feel disconnected from your Husband in a way and it’s compounding your grief at this very fragile stage. I think that’s the case with me. I also have an uncanny feeling sometimes as I think he is still at our home and then reality hits all over again. It’s a bit of a long-winded reply and probably doesn’t make a lot of sense but I just wanted to say I understand. Its truly admirable trying to protect your Mother from your pain but please don’t suffer in silence. It creates many problems later on as I know only too well. There is always a “listening ear” on this site though. I’m sending compassionate thoughts to you. Kindest regards.

Thanks for your reply. I searched for somewhere to express my pain last night, and found this site - it is comforting to find people who understand. I have wonderful friends who are very supportive, but they can’t really empathise. I think you’re right that I may feel disconnected. Grief is such an unpredictable process it’s so hard to know what to do or where to go and how it’s going to make you feel. I am also 52 by the way.

Hi Sheila, thanks for the reply. I know I will never get over my grief, and in many ways I don’t want to, as it feels like the only way I can feel connected to my husband. I do go out, and can socialise and occasionally feel like I’m enjoying myself, but then an overwhelming wave of grief hits me, and it’s paralysing.

I can relate to you all. My husband died in June, just before our 66th wedding anniversary, and I still cannot come to terms with being a widow. On Christmas Day 1949, we were engaged and all I can think of is the two young people who were so happy and looking forward to their lives together. We were lucky to have such a long marriage, which produced four children who have all done well. So for that I feel thankful but the loneliness without my Bill is unbearable, and although I would never self-harm because of my family, every night I say a little prayer that my dodgy heart will shut down during the night. Isn’t that dreadful. I have been waiting two months to hear from Cruse but nothing from them. I have no idea where I go from here and am thankful for this site where I can unload some of my feelings. Best wishes to you all. Eileen

I’m so sorry for your loss Eileen. I would also never harm myself as I feel our children have had enough to deal with at 22 and 24 years old, but I often go to bed feeling I wouldn’t mind never waking up. My parents are both 85 and 3 of my grandparents lived into their 80s, so chances are I have another 30 years of loneliness left, which is not something I am looking forward to.

Thank you, Nancy for replying to my posting. I’m sorry to hear about your loss and can appreciate how you are feeling. I am 86 and have a heart condition so maybe relief from this awful existence is not too far away from me. I think it’s terrible to feel like that but it’s the way it is. The females in my family lived into their nineties so I hope I don’t take after them. Life, as it is now, has little meaning but perhaps once we have Christmas over, we may start to feel better and more able to accept what has happened. I hope so. Kind regards, Eileen

Helło, Sheila. We have spoken before on here and nothing changes, does it. I am probably expecting too much after only six months but how I wish I could stop this dreadful longing to be with Bill. I have tried everything but he is on my mind constantly. Even when I go out I still keep looking for him as he was prone to dropping behind when he couldn’t keep up with me. The other day I spotted a man on a mobility scooter who was wearing almost identical clothes to those of Bill, even to the same coloured cap. I stood open mouthed and it was all I could do to stop rushing over and giving him a hug. If only someone could invent a magic pill we could take to relieve the heartache. I hope you manage to get through Christmas OK. I am dreading it as I shall be with one of my sons and his family and will have to try and keep cheerful. Eileen xx