Coping with first year anniversary

My dad passed away a year ago today from cancer.
I feel My wife keeps telling me how I should be acting and how I should be feeling.
Its driving me crazy.
Please let me find sanity here

Firstly i can relate and it drives me nuts when people think they can dictate to me how i should or shouldn’t feel, act, think, how things should or should affect me and how long for and the intensity (I am currently experiencing the same feelings and judgements and expectations from others even though not through a bereavement, I am recovering from trauma however the emotions and how we are being treated are the same so I can relate). We are all individuals and what ever we are experiencing in life, we go through as an individual - it is our feelings, thoughts, behaviours, we are experiencing changes and sometimes it can be traumatic through bereavements or something else and no-one has the right to expect us to be any different - because they are not going through what we are - they aren’t experiencing the hurt, the pain, the anger and upset - they are only witnessing it.

However having said that -( and trust me I 100% agree how infuriating it is - I’ve been putting up with my whole family treating me that way for over a year now so i understand how you must be feeling) someone recently gave me a new perspective on things - which i will share with you as it may help ease the annoyance.

They said to me 'Although they have no right to put those expectations on you, they don’t know what you’re going through but as they witness you going through it they might not know what to do or say to help because we’re only human and make mistakes and might not say or do the right thing all the time but that doesn’t mean we don’t care/they don’t care. They may be doing that and saying those things, treating you that way not out of lack of support or love or care but lack of understanding on how they can help you through it. They see you in pain or upset and their lack of inability to provide you with the support you need may be either they find it difficult to help you, it may upset them to think they can’t help you or they don’t want to see you in pain/hurting/upset so much they feel compelled to fix it//to try and fix you or the situation (some people in life are fixers and can’t change how they approach life, its part of their personality - so instead of taking the time to listen and support - like maybe we need - they try and fix us by telling us what to do and act etc thinking they are helping - in their own way - when maybe they’re not) or sometimes this is born out of frustration - they are frustrated they can’t help you heal or back to a happier you etc etc and then comes their expectations/opinions ’ She said something like this - I’ve probably lengthened it - i’m a bit long-winded but that’s what i can remember however concise or not.

Maybe if you haven’t already considered it - counselling/bereavement support may help. Thorpe hall hospices have family and bereavement support - or if your dad was in a hospice other than sue ryder they may have some
or cruse bereavement care have support volunteers across uk for free one-to-one support - look on site for local numbers areas - sometimes helps to be listened to and heard rather than judged and criticised - family may mean well in their own way but often it doesn’t help and it’s nice just to be yourself, grieve in your own time, in your own way, as no two people are the same and therefore no two people grieve the same - sometimes we need support, understanding and time to heal - and having someone listen and understand helps no end - check it out or contact sue ryder - you’re not alone.

https://www.cruse.org.uk/

My thoughts are with you - the first year is the worst - all of the first anniversaries of things - take one day at a time - however it comes - he was your dad and it’s your grief - bereavement support can help

Take care of yourself

1 Like

Dear Shana276.

Don’t let anyone tell you what you should be feeling. I lost my husband over three years ago and our sons have moved on with their lives and expect me to do the same but I haven’t moved on, that ache is still there, it is knowing that you will never see them again is what hurts. I cry every night for what I have lost and I do not want anyone telling me I should get over it. I put a brave face on when our sons visit, but a few weeks ago our eldest son said to me, we are so proud of the way you have moved on with your life mum. I said ‘moved on’, and I burst out crying, I told him I would never move on, the love of my life has gone and all I have left are memories and I will never in a million years get over it.

My dad died when I was 25 years old, fifty years ago, and even to this day I miss him and would love for him to see his grandchildren and great grandchildren, but he never will and it hurts.

People are so different, some grit their teeth and bite the bullet and move on but others like myself can’t let go because we miss them so much and show our feelings readily.

I would rather be me because the more you grieve, the more you have loved and been loved.

Take care.

Love

Sheila xxxx

Thanks for your kind words Sheila.
I keep giving my self a hard time because I signed a dnr for my dad, I was with my dad all the time he was in hospital for the 4 days before he died.
I feel my older sister let me down by not even coming to see him before he died.
Love sean

Hello, My husband was seriously ill for three years and we always knew his next infection could be his last one.

He was rushed into hospital with pneumonia and I was asked to sign a DNR because if he died and they tried to revive him they would be bringing him back to pain, gasping for breath and all for nothing. I signed the DNR but I felt so guilty because it was down to me to make the decision of letting him die peacefully or bringing him back to keep on suffering when there was no cure to be had. If they had brought him back, he would have died a few days later as his lungs had totally given up.

I have no regrets about signing the DNR now as my husbands one dread was dying gasping for breath. He had been on 24/7 oxygen for three years and he said it was like breathing through a straw.

You did exactly what I did for my husband, you saved your dad more suffering when there was no hope left. With regards to your sister, that is her cross to bear and not yours, you will always remember you were with him right up until the end and there is no greater love than that.

DNR’s are in place when there is no hope left, no-one wants to see their loved ones suffer.

Take care and know you loved your dad and did your very best for him.

Sheilaxx

Hi Sean

There is no rule book for grief. I see it like a storm you just have to get through in your own time. Nobody can predict the next wave, you just have to sail through it somehow.

When my dad died, the paramedic who took 45 minutes to get there was panicking as we couldn’t find his DNR. It was awful. I wanted the paramedic to perform miracles but deep down just knew it was my dad’s time to go and I was selfish to try to bring him back to suffer more.

Don’t be hard on yourself. Just keep taking one day at a time and stuff what anyone expects of you.

Ann x