I really don’t know how to cope with the grief. I managed better in the first three months after my husband died. When my sister went back to work I was sat in the living room and I was suddenly aware of this silence that I hadn’t heard before. It was so silent. I suddenly realised this is it. This is my life from now on. No laughing at my husbands jokes. No bum dancing in our narrow kitchen. No watching our favourite programmes together. Silence unless I made a noise. I suddenly fell to pieces and couldn’t cope with anything. The anxiety in the pit of my stomach. The longing to see him again. Just a sign he is okay. I wonder when it will change when I will stop the daily endless crying. When I will be able to sleep alone without begging my sister to stay. Some nights she will go home. Last night I slept with my little Yorkie. He jumped on the bed in the dark and curled up. In the small of my back. I could hear him breathing and for on small moment it felt as though my husband was spooning. A warm little body and a heartbeat. I felt close to tears but managed to stop them. I’m sick of crying. I feel so exhausted. There is no joy in anything. The house is so dusty and I can see it but do nothing about it. I walk the dog, wash the dishes from the night before and then mindlessly watch tv. Sleep eludes me and the days just seem endless. I have no purpose. I retired to be with my husband and received on pension payment before he died. My only comfort is that I received a letter letting me know that the corneas he donated had helped a 29 year old and a 64 year old man to see. I feel a little of him was still in the world and could see. I know it sounds ridiculous but it made me feel better for a moment. A part of my husband still existed in the world. I am so glad I found this site as at present messages from others who are in as much pain as I are what keeps me going Thank you x
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It is exhausting and the relentless grief doesn’t let you have a moments peace, I keep thinking constantly of my husband good and bad memories always changing, never know if I’m going to sleep but I try to find things that offer any sort of comfort and rest up during the day, I tell people honestly if I’m struggling and don’t try to do too much and just muddle along, I miss my husband desperately and I don’t know what else to do, thinking if everyone on this sad journey xx
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