Hello
I just wanted to ask for some advice on how to cope with being alone. I have tried to fill my time with things to do but there are times when I find myself talking to myself when there is only me here. My wife was always the outgoing one and though there are people around who care, it’s times when it’s dark and empty and trying to motivate myself becomes difficult. If anyone can relate to that then I would be grateful for any ideas.
Thanks
Malc
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dont think there are any solutions to being alone, we have to take it one day at a time. i have been alone for the last 18 months since hubby died and tbh i hate it. as for talking to yourslef, we all do that even when they were here, best place to get decent answers talking to yourself
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Hi @Malc39200
Yes there are times alone where i still speak to my husband. I think i always will we were together for 37 years married 35 and when he passed 4 + months ago suddenly no illness it was a shock he was 63 years just recently retired early in Feb so we could do things we planned together but on 8th June that all changed.
Dont think i can stand another 20+ years on my own if stats say i could live to 85.
I think everything is fine but then when at home alone with the silence i know it really isn’t.
Strange how empty and lonely the days nights and weekends become.
Lynne
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I fully agree. I hate the weekends…I get awful feelings come in waves. The only way i can describe this feeling is being totally empty. It’s an unbearable emptiness. Im feeling a lot worse this week due to having covid. Managed to avoid it until now…Certainly don’t know how i got it as i don’t go anywhere. Lost my husband of 54 years 5 months ago and now.most of everything is sorted out which kept me busy I’m at a loss as to what am i going to do next. I haven’t a clue. At least I’ve got my dog but he’s 17yrs now so can’t go far with him. Yes living on your own is no fun.
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Hi @Jay15
Yes dont think ill ever get used to being on my own but have no choice now.
We had just planned to enjoy retirement he was only 63 and had retired in Feb gone in June just me now 66 and who knows whats ahead now
I’d like to travel but on your own will take me a while to get used to.
Living in this house holds many good memories but all i csn remember is tge tragic event when he passed away suddenly and i could not help him that image will take time to get over.
Dont know if i ever will. I might need to move but at this time not sure. Need to give me time to consider my options.
Wherever i am i will be on my own now not something i want to have to do for the foreseeable future.
I know i am not alone everone is going through similar feelings. Hope tomorrow’s a better day. X
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Malc, I understand how you feel, I’m 8 months into this and miss Joan every second, I am amazed how she filled the house so completely with her personality and turned it into a lovely place to live, now it’s a place where I just survive.
I try to keep the house and her garden how she would have liked it but fail miserably, I miss just her presence and knowing that she’s there for her opinions and chatter, one thing I’ve found is that only we appreciate how much we miss them, even if family say they do, people come and go but we are with our wives, in some cases, 24 hours a day 7 days a week and they leave a huge hole in our lives when they go.
When I get lonely in the house I go out for a walk which I find helpful but then have to go back into an empty house, when in the company of other people they provide a degree of distraction but I am still lonely, lonely for that one specific person that cannot be there.
Sorry mate that I can’t offer you any better advice but it will improve as time passes, but I will never get used to being without her.
Vic.
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Thanks Vic, sorry for your loss. That’s exactly it. The emptiness.
Hello Malc
Feel assured you are not alone. I talk to myself daily. The quiet times I love, but the times I feel down and my mind wanders down that dark path trying to analyse why, I mentally ask myself questions and answer them out loud. Quite often I pass by the photos of my boys and depending of the frame of mind at the time, I might say hello you two but often I’ll remonstrate and tell them how sad I feel and how stupid they have been. Some days I sit on iPad or Laptop writing away, just putting down feelings is cathartic for me. What started back in March as just some words how I felt is now 40,000 words. So in essence, talk away to yourself because you are the only one that will give you clear concise answers to your endless questions. Make sure you remember who you are and be kind to yourself too 
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This is exactly how I feel too. My husband died 2years ago, very suddenly aged 66years. It is the loneliness that is unbearable. I keep busy but it is the morning and evening, it feels overwhelming and kind as friends are, they have their own lives
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I think trying to keep busy is important. Yesterday I didn’t do my usual Monday activity of going to my son’s to help him with his packing because he hadn’t slept, so I spent the day not really doing much apart from putting the hoover round and making a start on cleaning the little bedroom. Today should be better as I have much to do, off to the local history club in a bit, then my sister comes round and early evening I go off to the local micropub for the weekly quiz. It’s good to keep busy but we still have to deal with the emptiness at home. It may be practically 8 months now but still feels like yesterday and as time goes on people do seem intent on getting on with their own lives. Take care everyone Gailxx
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I’m exactly the same . The mornings are bad and the evenings pure nightmare. I talk to my dog who unfortunately is deaf. He’s 17yrs old but still going strong. It’s 6 months to the day and i feel like it’s yesterday. When does this feeling ever end. I don’t know. I think everyone on here feels the same. Maybe it does get better. Who knows.
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Hi @Jay15
Yes nearly 4.5 months for me.
It doesn’t seem to get better for me.
Today i was out joined a choir so was ok for a while. Its when i get back home to sn empty quiet house it sinks in he is gone and and not coming back. He was only 63 i am 66 now and not looking forward to spending life alone for the next years ahead. I used to love holidays travel and trips to garden centres theatre etc now on my own does not hold much point.
Maybe on time it will get better but not sure that is the case. Life is now so different and will take time to get used to l.
Take care Lynne x
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Well at least you’re making an effort. Well done for that. The most i do is take my dog out 2 or 3 times a day. Not far because of his age. At first it was difficult because all the dog walkers knew my husband and asked where he was. I suppose that’s natural but now it’s a quick hello and goodbye. I go to the local shop everday as i know all the girls and have a chat but then home. I’ve got to come to a decision some time soon as to what I’m going to do with the rest of my time but at the moment haven’t a clue. Take care Jill
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Hello Malc
I can relate to all you say. The way I am handling my bereavement is by writing a Journal. It’s just for me, for something to go to at any time when I’m feeling alone, unmotivated, lost and empty.
This Journal has become my “friend” and “confidant”. It really is a useful tool and only by trying it out can you see how helpful it can be. It’s not a substitute for a lost partner but it becomes something you can rely on that’s there all the time to share your feelings and thoughts, like having a personal therapist. A therapist will never give us advice or tell us what to do. They’ll only ever guide us to find your own solutions with whatever we’re dealing with because we are the only ones who can discover what we are truly capable of and what personal resources we have to help us find answers to our problems.
My Journal does help to deal with all aspects of life (I basically chat to myself on paper).
I make lists of things I could do in my day but don’t beat myself up if I can’t even tick one thing off by the end of the day.
I just make another list.
If I’m angry I write it down.
If I feel sorry for myself I write it down. No one’s going to criticise you for seeming self indulgent.
When I can, I write down what I feel grateful for.
Any health issues, I complain to my Journal.
Any hopes or wishes I write down and see if they can give me hope.
I also write down a specific problem, then I ask myself what I can actually do about it. Writing down options, choices, anything that could move me on. Also, whatever I’m coping with, I ask myself what i would say to a friend who’s suffering the same issue.
I write plans for meals or lists of meals I’ve made for when I cant think what to cook.
If someone in my day upsets me or is insensitive I write down how that’s hurt me. I try to see it from their point of view (if I can) and try to be tolerant.
I write down who’s in my life. When they might be free and I write in a diary the week before, who i will see and I specifically book it. Someone to look forward to.
Also, I give myself odd days to be on my own and do the things I don’t want to share.
Also, I write down lists of places to go and be amongst people. I do struggle with this so I’ve just heard of the U3A. Apparently, it has hundreds of groups with people with passions and interests one can share. (University of the 3rd Age, in case you haven’t heard of it). You never know who you will meet. I have yet to find out.
Obviously, going for a walk is good for us but I struggle with this on my own.
I remind myself that the isolation or sadness I feel can only be handled by action. I know that’s so hard to do but action becomes distraction and then you calm your mind down in consequence. I find my mind wont shut up so I write or listen to something engrossing on Utube or watch TV. This is my action and if that’s all I can do, so be it. I’m grieving.
I have gentle piano music playing daily (via Alexa) and that cuts through the silence and has helped me enormously.
I’m using this Journal idea as it keeps me sane and I do cope much better with it.
All this can help us through another day and as time is passing I’m very slowly adjusting to my new situation and hopefully the new situation will eventually bring us some joy.
Kind regards. Marina. 
Sorry for your loss and completly understand how you feel. 18 months since my hubby passed away. I sit here alone missing all the happy times we had had together. I know i could just jump in the car and go out but i will still be alone. I could go for a walk but id still be alone. I would love to go to the pub but its hard for a women to just go in because i would be alone.
Family and friends have moved on with their lives so i just have to accept and wouldnt expect them to always include me.
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I not lost a prarent but my mum, it’s the same really as I did live with mum. So not much different really, I talked to myself too so I’m pleased someone has mentioned it in here. Because you do think if it’s normal behaviour to do that.
No easy answers. I talk to myself often, and also to my late partner. I have the tv on in the evenings, as even rubbish telly is better than the deafening silence.
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It’s very hard being alone, sometimes it feels ok But that wears off quite quick. I even talked to insects. It’s horrible!
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It is, especially knowing this is how it is for ever now.
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i was married 48 yrs but i still did things on my own, even going out for the day. much prefer my own company even though me and hubby were good together. there are loads of groups etc that you can get involved in if you want to or get a volunteer job. its only forever if you let it be.