My Dad passed away just over 4 years ago after being diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer. He was given 12 months of palliative chemo, until he died.
I have just carried on day to day living and not dealt with it.
Nothing will ever be the same.
He was my world.
The day he died the light went out in my eyes and in my heart.
Laughter is short lived and empty.
I have a constant ache in my chest.
I know he would want me to be happy, but grief is the price of love.
How can I ‘just get over it’ and ‘move on’… that is too much to ask.
Even just writing this my eyes are starting to tear up, but as usual I pull myself together and push the feelings down.
I’m worried that if I start crying that I will completely break down and don’t know if I will be able to pull myself together.
I hold my feelings in so that my husband and grown daughter don’t worry about me (so that I don’t have to worry about how they are feeling, worrying about how I am feeling).
I know I need counselling but I would worry taking time out of work, not because they would mind, but because I would mind.
I don’t earn enough to pay for private counselling, out of work hours.
Feel a bit damned if I do, damned if I don’t.
I only see a small number of friends.
Even when I’m with them I’m disinterested and somewhere else in my head… I just sut there and let them talk and I just nod but I don’t really engage or actually lusten to what they are saying.
I had a tattoo of a feather, with his name… and I had to go back and have the date that he died put on it, as I can’t retain the date in my head, as the whole ending was too traumatic for me.
This is probably the most that I have written about how I feel.
Hello @LL50 ,
I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling like you have a constant ache and are worried about letting your grief and feelings out. I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support. In the meantime, you may wish to look at these Sue Ryder resources which might be helpful.
- Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
- Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
- Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
- Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
You might also want to have a read of this Sue Ryder article Losing a parent - coping with the death of a parent | Sue Ryder
I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care,
Alex
Im so sorry for your loss - you’ve taken a big step by sharing on here about how you’re feeling if thats something you’ve been carrying for so long 
Im only 11 months into my grief journey but i can totally relate to how the light has gone out in your heart, and that constant ache youre carrying. 
You dont need to “get over” losing your Dad, but i think we all have to find a way to live the best life we can whilst carrying our loss. 
The sad reality is there is no escape from grief - its a natural process that the mind and body NEED to go through after loss, and if we try and avoid it, it just sits and waits for us, or it may show itself in other ways (physically/mentally). You can only hold your feelings in for so long. Maybe your heart/mind just wasnt ready before to face it - sitting with grief IS a horrific thing, but if you’re posting here maybe that’s changing?
I know you say you wouldnt want to take time from work to attend counselling, but what ultimately can be more important than your own wellbeing? Youve said that work wouldnt mind you taking time off, so thats one less obstacle to face. Do you think your concerns about taking time off are maybe a way of putting off seeking help? Why not make an agreement with yourself to try counselling for 4 months. If the impact on work is too great or you just feel too guilty still about taking time off, then stop after 4 months.
Alternatively have you considered whether there are any local bereavement support groups in your area that you could attend? These also tend to be in the daytime but there are some which run in the evening. That would give you the chance to be around others who understand and you can be honest about how you’re feeling.
Im sure your family would hate to know how unhappy you are, but its possible they already see it in you and wish they knew how to help. Why not try talking to them? You dont have to feel that you need to carry all this alone for the rest of your life. What would you say to your daughter if she bottled things up for years - my guess is you’d be saying “why didnt you come to me?” Maybe once you start counselling or a support group, you might feel more able to talk to your family too.
Sending you hugs and strength
Hello LL50.
I agree with Ally6. I lost my Mum 14 months ago but my relationship with my man took a hit as i tried to deal my grief on my own. He and i are polar opposites when it comes to thoughts of death, i am more spiritual and believe our loved ones are with us supporting us through these bad times. I found it difficult to tell him how i felt a lot but once i had opened up to him and told him how much it hurt all the time he realised he needed to support me more in my journey than just thinking all was ok because that is what i was telling him.
I, like you, worried about taking time from work to speak to a counsellor, and like you was told by manager if i needed to it then that was more important. I finally got in touch with our EAP counsellors provided by work and had video calls. Working from home 2 days a week i arranged it whilst i was home but if was in the office booked a meeting room. It helped a lot. To be able to speak freely about the loss, the guilt, the anger, the hole in my heart and my life. After the first session i felt relieved to open up desite it hurting. Also with video call i cried and apologised but told them i just have to move the camera, giving me the privacy to cry.
I do hope you contact a counsellor, and if you find the first person isnt the right fit thats ok too, finding a counsellor is like finding a friend. You may find that you have try a few first before you find your bestie if you get me.
The pain is always there but you can find tools to help you live with the loss. I really hope you do, its horrible losing a parent because you also lose a friend and a confidant.
Dont lose hope, its been 4 years, you are stronger than you realise. Take time from work to talk to someone.