Hi, i lost my husband 8 months ago after being married for nearly 43 years. I have also lost both parents a close friend and auntie all within the last 6 years. When my parents died i was with them both, holding their hands. But i never got to the hospital quick enough to be with my husband and i cant get over not being with him and holding his hand when he died. By the time we were told he was declining, we were unable to get there in time before he passed. I dont blame myself but i just cant get over not being their for him and saying all the things i wanted to tell him . Lately this keeps going over and over in my mind and i spend lots of time just crying by myself. Has anyone else been in this situation of not being able to say goodbye to their loved one and how do you cope.
@TWIN i am so sorry you didn’t get to tell him anything . I was the same he went suddenly at home and I was on a birthday in Benidorm . I did ring him that morning and told him I loved him . You are so right not to blame yourself at all . The fact is he will know how much you love him . I find talking to him is how I cope . He knew and still knows he is everything to me . Hugs to you I’m Julia
I just wished i had got there before he passed. He didnt talk a lot about his illness and kept a lot to himself and it affected him alot mentally. I think it was because he knew how hard it had been watching both my mum and dad die that he didnt want to put me through it again but if i could turn back time, i would have told him that no matter what i would go through it all again to be by his side holding his hand and letting him know that i would always be there for him. I know he was trying to protect me in his own way, but its done the opposite as im really struggling with it.
I lost my husband in may after 54 years together. He was in hosp and was to come home , he was having stents put in. I had left him to come home and wait for our son who was flying in to see him. He quickly went downhill and had gone before we got to the hospital. Its such a shock and i still feel it now. I only let the regret be a passing thought as there is nothing we can do to change it. I have to believe he went quickly and painlessly and not wishing i was there. I live in hope that one day soon it wont be such a painful memory and i wish the same for you
I am so sorry for your loss. Big hugs 
my husband went to work on 29th February and never came home. I got a knock at the door at 13:23. I wanted to go to him, the police would not allow this and blocked my road. 9pm that night he was transported to the morgue for a home office post mortem. All them hours on the floor of his work alone. Im not coping, it plays over and over in my head. Grief is such a difficult range of emotions isn’t it 
I am almost 7 months in and I still cannot get my head around any of it. Big love and strength sent to you, all we can do is get through an hour at a time and keep on reaching out xx
This happened t me too. I feel so guilty for not staying with him overnight but I didn’t think he would die before I next saw him. I hate the thought of him dying alone but I know we can’t go back and change things.
Thank you all for replying, it does help to know its not just me struggling with not being with my husband at the end. I feel for everyone of you. I wish i could just try to focus on looking at it in a different way and it might then help me come to terms with it. Hugs to everyone who is also struggling and i hope that as time go on we can focus on good memories and not the bad ones.
My husband suddenly had a heart attack at home on the living room floor 5 months ago , then 2 days in ICU I had to watch them switch his life support off , so I felt like I saw him die twice ! All I can say was he knew nothing , he passed out before he took the heart attack and everything that followed he wouldn’t of known
On the morning of his heart attack I feel guilty now for not spending more time with him , in his final hour , he had previously had a heart attack 20+ years earlier but these symptoms totally different , I had called an ambulance but I thought he had chest infection and would probably go on antibiotic drip or something , so I was running around collecting his stuff as I knew he would want his wash bag , clean pants etc , and left him sat on the sofa, now I wished I had sat on the sofa with him on what was his last sentences , I was there when he took that last breath but the bag of stuff I was running around collecting for the hospital wasn’t even opened x
Me too. I got to the hospice 5 minutes too late. It’s horrible to think of my darling dying without me there holding his hand. I miss him so much.
@Genie1 please don’t live with blame . I am sure one of our loved ones that have passed come for us . My mum saw her dad out of the window of a hospital and we were many levels up . I don’t think he left alone and I am sure he knew how much you loved him
I lost my husband of 54 years 2 years ago to Dementia plus a heart problem. He was in a care home for the last 4 months of his life and prior to that a speel in hospital, like you I feel terrible guilt and sorrow that I wasn’t with he when he passed away. He was declining that day and semi conscious and i made the decision to leave at 10 pm after sitting with him all day on my own and gave the staff instructions to phone me if there was any change… but they didn’t do that. i simply got a phone call at 1.30am to say that my husband had just died 10 minutes before. I was so dreadfully upset and keep thinking he would have stayed with me and not gone home but my younger son had phoned me and said to go home as it was a dreadful stormy night… I so regret it but just am angry with the care home about it.
I am so sorry for everyone who has been in a similar situation to mine. What do you do to cope with this. Has anyone tried counselling or found anything that has helped them cope and move on instead of focusing on the day/night their partner/husband passed. I dont mean i want to move on and forget him, just the horrible day he passed that i keep reliving over and over in my thoughts.
I’m really sorry I cannot help you with this. I can’t seem to move from this day either. I struggle with sleeping, with eating, I can’t think of anything worse than returning to work and that will be an issue soon I fear. I tried for sleeping pills from the GP but they will not entertain it without counselling and I’m just not game for that. It’s so very painful, why would I want to speak to a complete stranger about my Dave. Sending love and hugs and I hope you find strength and you have support.
Love Jen xx
I feel exactly the same my partner of 25 years passed away at home I tried to resuistate him but it was too late I feel so guilty that I couldn’t save him 
it absolutely destroyed me.
3 months after in may I lost my beautiful little brother & in between my eldest brother was diagnosed with T4 nasal cancer. I also look after my mum who has severe brain damage and needs 24 hour care life is unbearable right now love & strength to you all 
Oh my word you have so much to deal with. Sending all the love and strength to you and huge hugs 
how severely devastating. Losing your life person is such a life changing devastation in itself. I’m just about hanging on by a thread. I don’t know how you are coping, but I’m glad you are and you are here with us reaching out. I don’t know what the future holds for any of us here, but I’m glad we have one another, and I know we don’t know one another and we will probably never meet but at least we can all relate and understand and provide support on this journey of hell.
Love and strength always, I hope you have support.
Love Jen xx
Poppy77,
I cant imagine how hard it is for you at the moment. You havent really had time to greive your partner let alone your brother. Life seems so cruel at times. I know when i lost my dad, i then had my elderly mum to look after and after i lost my mum, i was looking after my terminally ill husband and i think because i had somone else to focus on it helped But now my husband has passed and ive not got to care for someone i think i find it harder , especially as although he was terminally ill with cancer, it wasnt the cancer that killed him. Just try and find a bit of time for yourself, even though it must be hard as your caring for your mum. Dont be afraid to ask friends for help, or to sit with your mum while you take 30 mins or an hour just to have time for yourself. Make sure also you look after yourself. Sending my love to you and hope you can tske time to grieve yourself.