My mum was diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma in December. We found out last week that the treatment isn’t working so it’s now stopped. She has gone down hill so quickly and is now bedbound and when she is awake is mostly confused. This morning she was in tears begging for us to let her go and that she didnt want this to go on any longer. I am really struggling watching her suffering and knowing there is nothing I can do. How do people cope with this stage?
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Dear @Kazmofish
Welcome to the Community. I am sorry to hear about your mum and that you are struggling which is understandable. Seeing a loved one suffer is difficult as you may feel helpless.
You are doing a lot by being very supportive and loving by being with your mum as hard as it is for you. It is said that hearing is the last sense to go, so you you could play her favourite music, read a book to her and talk to her as you would normally and hold her hand and comfort her. It is important for you to take breaks also as this can be exhausting for you.
You are doing really well as being with your mum will bring comfort to her. Please continue to reach out here and look after yourself.
We are all here to support you, you are not alone.
Take care.
Pepsi
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Thank you, it really helps to know there is a place to come when you just need to be able to say how you feel and don’t want to burden loved ones x
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You are welcome. Come here any time. We are here for you.
Take care.
Pepsi x
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Hi I’ve just read your message and a flood of memories came rushing back… It’s one of the hardest thing you will ever have to do but I found that if I listened and reassured my mum who passed coming up a year and my dad who died a long time ago it gave me comfort to know they were ready … you will never truelly be ready because they can prepare you for a lot but not living without them … it’s hard for us but it’s so much harder for them especially if they are confused and scared. You will find it in your strength from the love you have for them to see them to the end … I send love and prayers for you and yours xx
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Thank you @Ellen4, it is definitely her fear and sadness that I find the most overwhelming as I just want to be able to take her pain onto myself so that she can feel peace. We have had a few rare moments over the last couple of days where she has been the mum I know best and we’ve reminisced on her adventures with my dad before me and my sister were born. I think all of us found some comfort in that and i hope it gave her even a little time off from the pain she is in. I really appreciate you reaching out, everyone is so kind on this community xx
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Yes I found that was the only way to do it you hurt for them I actually can feel the pain that you and your family are experiencing it’s so hard honestly your doing great … Lots of love E xx
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I am thinking of you. It’s so so difficult.
I sat with my dad a lot when he was poorly. He couldn’t talk because of how his illness affected him but we sat and watched films, listened to audio books and occasionally I read the newspaper, although it was a bit depressing so we switched to magazines etc.
I hope this helps even a tiny bit xx
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I’m so sorry to hear that cancer is a nasty terrible thing there’s not right way to deal with the loss of a parent because there apart of us. I spent as much time as I could with my dad we only had a short time from when we found out that my dads cancer was stage 4 
and my dad got covid from the hospital and he passed away. Please for you just spend time with your mum even if she’s not taking just you being there with her is lovely for the both of even at the end you still making memories love to you and your in my thoughts x
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Hi
I’m in a similar situation.
My dad has an end of life care plan as he has blood cancer and is in the final stages. He gets very confused and agitated and it’s horrible to watch. My mum has cared for him at home for the last 3 years and it’s affected her health too. She’s 77.
I’ve been put on sertraline by my GP for anxiety as I wasn’t sleeping and it’s allowed support my mum and sister who is also very emotional at times.
Do you have anyone to talk to other than this community?
Feel free to message me if you need a chat.
Hi I’m currently sat with 58 year old soulmate in hospice we have been here a month ( both of us ) . I’m slowly day by day watching a fit , healthy , gorgeous man turn into a skeleton , but he did say to me the other day that the more ill he feels the easier it is I accept for him . Not for me though I feel like I’m in hell , trying to get him home Thursday ( no help available ) but I don’t mind it’s a privilege to care for him xx constant tears from me when he’s asleep , it’s very cruel and I’m not coping mentally but I’m aware that I want to look back and know I couldn’t have done anymore for him , just being there , holding their hand , making g sure they know you haven’t kept them , it’s important , last thing you can do for them xxx I hate what this life has given me and Martin bit I know we arnt the only ones xx god bless all of you going through this hell xxx
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Hi Rooroo and martju. I really feel for both of you. A couple of weeks after i posted my mum passed away. It was heartbreaking and cruel watching her wait it out until the final day but i kept her wishes and she was at home with us when the time finally came.
If like me there is almost a sense of relief that their pain is over, dont be hard on yourself for feeling it. I am now 8 months on. I want to say it gets easier but the truth is you just learn to accept there is a wee ache that will come up and smack you in the face every so often.
Sending lots of love to everyone going through something like this. 
He is so ill today ( I’m caring for him at home ) , he thinks he will be better in time !! It’s killing me , I hope I’m doing the right thing , he hadn’t asked me anything , omg wish it was me not him !! For his sake I wish he’d just go in his sleep for my sake I want to keep him here with me xxx the pain is indescribable, I hope I’m doing what’s best for him , not for me xx
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Caring for mum at home in her last few weeks were torment for me but it was her wishes and I am still glad I could do that for her. Just being there by his side means you are absolutely doing your best for him. Just remember to be kind to yourself. Dont beat yourself up if you think or feel things you think you shouldn’t. It’s how we survive the cruelty of these situations. Sending you my strength to get you through today. You are doing amazing.
Thankyou , I feel so lost xx
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Hi Martju
Just read your post and it brought back memories of last Nov when I cared for my mam. She had been in hosp to3 weeks with a blockage in her small intestine and there was noth except an operation that would have saved her The hosp refused to operate on her because she was 89 so I had to sit and watch her die.Her wish was to come home so I cared for her at home After sleeping on the hosp chair for three weeks I slept on the settee next to her for another three weeks. I tried everything to get her better but couldn’t In the last few days before she passed I knew she was struggling and there were times when I held her hand and told her to go if she wanted bec I would be fine I knew I wouldn’t be fine but I knew she wasn’t going to make it so wanted to give her some reassurance to go it was the most heartbreaking thing I have ever done. I told her everything j wanted to say to her kissed and hugged her every minute I could and on Dec 30th she passed peacefully with my son and I holding her hands.
Just want you to know I am thinking of you. Cherish every moment of what precious time is left and we will all be here for you x
Deborah x
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