Coping with the funeral

My Dave passed away 3 weeks ago and i have the funeral next wednesday. Daves two sons from his previous marraige have been so supportive but their mum is influcing one of them and even on the day dave passed away she turned up at the hospital with her sisters. I tolerated it for the sake of their sons. Hiwever each step or decision made regarding the funeral i know is also being discussed with her. Now yesterday i was told was it okay that she went to the chapel of rest to see dave. I feel like i have no fight in me and i just said she will need to book a time to see him. All this has made me am so apprehensive about the funeral and i just want it over so i dont have to have anything to do with daves ex or her family. It is so hard becsuse dave remained friends with his ex wife and he akways said he did this because of his sons. We used to talk about it as i could never understand how he felt like this because he had caught her with another man who she is still with and yes when his sons were younger but they are grown men now.
I feel like my dave wasnt mine and im angry with him because im having to deal with this.


So sorry for your loss, I had very similar circumstances to yourself and fast forward 8 mths, I accepted the fact he had shared his life with someone else, the mother of his children (2 grown up boys). It caused me so much stress at the time but I managed to keep the focus on our love and our life together. Death brings out all sorts of emotions for all sorts of reasons as everyone who loved him will be grieving. For your sake, let them have their goodbyes and after the funeral you can just walk away and grieve. The funeral is about his life so give him the send off he deserves. It’s one day and you have the rest of your life with your memories and your love for him

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@Sarlyn thank you so much for you reply. it is good to hear someone else has gone through something similar. It does feel like all this has added to my grief and you are right i need to let them have their goodbyes. If Dave was here he would say just leave it let them get on with it i was with you because i love you.

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My sincerest condolences on the loss of your Husband Dave. I know how you are feeling right now as i lost my beloved Wife of 31 years Anna to Cancer a month ago tomorrow, her Funeral was last Wednesday.
I too was apprehensive about the Funeral but for different reasons.
My Wife was always relatively close to her Mom, Dad & two brothers.
They were aware of her diagnosis right from the start 16 months ago, from the moment they heard she was ill, they sort of ghosted her really, all of a sudden they would come to see her less & less, not phone to see how she was doing with her treatment & such, when she went into Hospital for the final time they took the decision to not make the effort to visit her in Hospital, none of them. I saw what this was doing to her, the anger & disappointment this caused her, i was raging obviously but she made me promise not to cause any upset over it. I raged a lot to our Son & Daughter who agreed it was appalling & he paid them a visit, telling them they were a disgrace & how shameful it was that they treated his Mom that way, it was only after that they decided to visit her out of guilt, one half hour visit in over a month from her parents only wasn’t enough in my book.
Anyways she ran out of time & passed away, when the Funeral arrangements were made we were invited to meet the lady conducting her service to give her some background so she could build a picture of Anna’s life for the service, reluctantly i invited her parents along with myself, my Son & Daughter.
They offering absolutely nothing in the way of childhood memories from when she was a little girl, we were all stunned when they just sat there mute, I’m still in a position where i haven’t said anything to them because I know deep down i would be breaking that promise to my Anna. I was dreading the Funeral because i didn’t know whether my emotions would let me down & I’d confront them all, thankfully i never for my children’s sake.
If you are making the arrangements for Dave then you have control, it doesn’t really matter who sees him at the chapel now, he was your husband, you loved him & I’m sure you’ll do him proud on the day of the Funeral, i hope things go smoothly for you on the day.
Much Love xx :heart:


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Thank you so much @VillaBoy22. Im so sorry for your loss and the stress you have bern put through whilst your wife was ill. It is so hard to have to deal with additional stress on top of the grief we are going through. I sometimes think people are so selfish.
I admire you for not confronting them and you kept your promise to your wife.
Love sue x

Hi Sue,

Firstly I am so sorry you’re going through this, I am sorry your Dave has passed on.
Secondly, I always say “passed on” because I don’t like using the term “died”. My belief is that we never die, we live on.

But, back to your circumstances, and what you have explained in the post…
I can understand you being angry, Dave’s passing will bring up so many emotions, and anger is a very valid one.

I think it’s a really good way of dealing with the situation, by asking yourself, what would Dave say? Because I’m sure you knew him better than anyone, and you know his response.

I know when I lost my Dad in July, I wanted to arrange the funeral - actually - I’ll rephrase that, I wanted the responsibility of organising Dad’s funeral, because it still felt like I could do something for him - that reinforced the relationship I had with Dad…and at that point, it had not fully “sank in”…but that’s okay…sometimes it takes time…to settle, it’s still settling …

Right now, you know this is a bit of a sensitive situation, and you are just doing your best to keep going… don’t forget yourself in this, what is the most important thing YOU want to do for Dave right now?

And then just navigate on a daily basis…don’t think too far into the future…it will all unfold exactly as it is supposed to…

If there is something you want to do for Dave, and it doesn’t happen at the funeral, you can always have your own way of honouring and remembering him, you can do this as much as you want, whenever you need to…