coping with the loss of my Mum

I lost my Mum in April 2016, although I feel a bit stronger now, I just can’t get the horrible memories of her last few weeks and the deterioration of her health out of my mind, it’s like I can’t remember much of the good times now, is this normal?

Hi Mollie,

I am so sorry you have lost your mum.

I have just logged into this forum after a few months away from it as I am feeling particularly fragile at the moment for the exact same reason as you have just described. I lost my mum in December 2015 (you may want to read over my previous posts for context), and whilst I am doing far better than I expected on the whole, that good emotional state tends to be when I am distracted by everyday life.

However, when I have time to actually think, the memories of the last few weeks of my mum’s life come flooding back to punch me in the stomach.

I remember the truly traumatic stuff: her being taken into hospital with a catastrophic bleed, her suffering, her knowing she was going to die soon, her being in the hospital then her final time in the hospice. Many, many, big and little heartbreaking, gut-wrenching moments play over and over in my head. She was 60. It’s like I am stuck there, overwhelmed by it all, over and over again.

The good memories come back to me, although less powerfully, only when I am feeling emotionally more stable. But going from emotionally stable to not so good keeps on coming in waves - I can have weeks of being good, then be struck down, consumed by these memories and the knowledge I will never see her again. It is suffocating.

I think it is completely normal that our minds default to these memories rather than the good ones. It is all part of the grieving process. Those awful memories have had a huge impact on us, and our minds have not dealt with them yet. We are trying to make sense of them, in order to accept them and move forward. I’ll be honest, I don’t know if these bad memories will fade and the good ones will be more prominent as time goes on, or if the impact of the bad ones will be the same forever. I am looking for answers myself too, as these memories tear me apart.

I hope someone else a little further along this journey than us will be able to offer us some insight.

Take care Mollie,

Louise x

Hi Louise,
thank you for taking the time to reply to my post, sorry for your loss too. Your Mum was very young. My Mum was 86, diagnosed with cancer in March and gone 6 weeks later, but it was horrible to see how quickly she just gave up once she knew and her suffering that she just wanted to go when her body wasn’t ready to go. Like you say, the worst thing is knowing that we’ll never see them again. I take comfort in still talking to her now as though she’s in the room and often think what she would think about things going on in my life. If only we could take a pill to block out the traumatic time.

Hi mollie & Louise,
Just been reading through both your posts as I also lost my mum to cancer in may this year she was60 I feel so robbed 60 is now such a young age and there were so many things we wanted to do together but never did and before that both our lives were full of a lot of nursing and bad sad times. I m finding reality is kicking in more and I’m in my mind seeing her more clearly and also the trauma visuals when she was suffering and feel I am going mad and getting shaky and panic attacks . I’m just wanting to be with her we were peas in a pod I can’t take much more of this pain . I feel I’ll with it. Just don’t know what to do so low
Love from tray xx

My Mum died aged 53. I’m 22 now. I’m grieving okay but struggling with the actual illness. My GP has described it as PTSD symptoms. Feeling very lost right now so can’t offer any advice, but can offer a virtual hug X

My mum died in February on my husbands birthday. She died of COPD and was with her for the last week of her life.

Can’t get that last week out of my head.

Hi Tracey,
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum. I can relate to how you can’t get that last week out of your head. I lost my mum in may this year and I nursed her and eventually she was in a hospice as needed better control over symptoms and I lived there with her 24/7 for 4 weeks we were like peas in a pod such a close strong bond and I also really struggle with images memory’s ESP those of her last couple of weeks as she really suffered and it’s the most painfull and gutting thing to go through seeing the person you love most in the world deteriate, the time haunts me it’s very raw .so although different circumstances I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in not getting last week out of head I hope maybe that provides a little comfort as I don’t know about you but it can really make you feel like you are going mad and it’s just awful. I’m still very much struggling and very low and anxiety so have no great answers just to take each day at a time or every hour if you have to, find distractions of things you like anything so you are not fully focused on the last week . I know that is easier said than done! I am also awaiting cousilling but a 8 week waiting list . Maybe councilling is something you may consider? Also the date your mum died on is really sad and must feel you with all mixed emotions that is a tough one to deal with. I hope u have good family friends for support? .
Sending you a hug and just wanted you to know you are not alone. With love. Tray xx

Thank you Tray

My dad’s got early dementia. My brother is now living with him.

Didn’t get much sleep last night and had a really bad day with my autistic teenage son.

Tracey x

Hi Louise,

I read your posts about your loss and am sorry to hear of what you have been through.
I have done my own topic about losing my parents and was prompted to only even write something after reading your posts. It was the first time I had read something that spoke to me and made sense. Some of your emotions, thoughts and feelings were just so poignant and I could relate to them deeply which was comforting to read.

Take care.

Andy

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