My Dad was diagnosed with an aggressive fast growing lymphoma in mid January this year. Initially his consultant was hoping that treatment night give him a few more months however it actually made him more poorly and he is now in his final days of life. Up until the weekend I’d been managing to work during the day and visit him after work. He was suffering with delirium and frightening hallucinations so last Friday he was put on medication to sedate him. It’s been truly horrific to watch him as he has been trying to talk and he grips my hand and won’t let go. I feel a bit helpless as I can’t make things better for him. I’ve not slept properly since Friday and I can’t eat. Yesterday I called in sick as I feel physically ill. I think all the travelling to see him (we’re not local) on top of working full time has taken a toll on my own health. I know that compared to a lot of the posts on here that I’m lucky as I have a lovely husband and son who care about me but I feel like I’m letting everyone down as I didn’t go to see my Dad yesterday as I felt beyond exhausted. I just wondered if anyone has any tips on coping with watching your loved one endure these final days.im finding it very hard. I’m grateful to have had my Dad in my life and after I lost my much loved Mum 21 years ago I relocated to be nearer to him and I have lots of happy memories. I just hope these memories will override the awful images I have of him at the moment. Whenever I close my eyes I can see him curled up and grimacing in pain. It is truly dreadful to see. My son is in year 11 and taking his mocks in a few weeks and I feel as though I’ve been neglecting him by spending so much time with my Dad . Thank you for any tips on getting through this time.
I was emotionally exhausted like you, In the end my doctor put me on sick leave and my managers at work were fantastic checking in on how I was coping. It was devasting to watch hubby slowly slip away. Go with what is right for you and your family.No one knows till they experience it.
I really feel for you , my Dad passed away from the same illness just before Christmas, it was heartbreaking how cancer took him so quickly, I had the most horrendous nightmares after he passed, I cared for him at home for 5 weeks which was mentally and physically draining , to watch you Dad so ill is so hard
I lost my wonderful dad on the 3rd of March this year. He was the most amazing dad we had such a close bond. He was always there for me when i needed him and also my girls his 3 beautiful grandchildren.
He loved them so much and same again would drop anything to be there for them if they needed anything.
He was diagnosed with prostate cancer in 2017 which was a shock then told after tests it had progressed to stage 4 so it was terminal.
We were all beyond devastated i cried for weeks. Not long after being diagnosed he lost his partner of over 20 yrs to sepsis and because of this he had to leave the home they shared together.
No way was i going to let him get a place of his own i told him your coming to live with me. His cancer was doing so well his oncologist was happy with his scans and the prostate cancer was very much at bay. But because of the prostate cancer he was catheterised and was told that this would only be for around 3 mths until he got the op he needed to sort the problem out. This didn’t happen and his appointments were constantly cancelled due to covid. The catheter made him lose all quality of life he was in constant pain forever on the toilet and water infection after water infection. He went from a active man going out in his car and visiting family and friends to being virtually house bound because of it. The district nurses were out most days because it would constantly block.
Then came the morning he woke in agony with awful pain around his kidney area. The dr wouldn’t see him because he was fully booked that day so he was told to go to the urgent care centre which he did. He was given yet more antibiotics and sent home even though he asked are you sure this isn’t more than a water infection because I’m in so much pain around my kidney.
I left him alone for around 3 hrs that day as i had to be somewhere when i came home he had gone to bed. He said he felt dreadful and just needed to lie down then he was so sick throughout that night. I feel so guilty i never got up to check on him but i had my baby grandson in bed with me and didn’t want to wake him. The next morning he was still being sick and not keeping fluids down. I rang his drs surgery again and i was told to bring him along that morning but i still had my young grandson and my partner was in bed after a nightshift i don’t drive so the dr said bring him when your partner gets up which was around 1pm that day.
By this time my dad was to weak and ill to get out of bed to go to the drs. His dr rang me and told me to take his bp i couldn’t get a reading so he said dial 999 your dad has sepsis i was so scared but the emergency services would not believe me when i told them they said how can a dr diagnose sepsis if he hasn’t seen him. The questions after questions from them and they even wanted to speak to my dad which he tried to do god love him. Eventually around 2 hrs later a ambulance arrived and they faffed about for ages in his room with him before eventually getting him into the ambulance. He was taken to A&E and i was told to ring later to see how he was. When i did they told me they were waiting for test results and that he was comfortable.
Then i got a phone call that terrified me the dr said he’d taken a turn for the worst and that they needed me to go to the hospital i did so and he was wired up and his breathing was very bad. They said they were trying to do what they could for him but his body had gone into septic shock. He was taken to Critical care but died very early the next morning with me holding him. He’d just turned 75.
I blame myself because i feel i didn’t do enough to help him the day before and that night and the next day. If only I’d of acted quicker. My heart is broken and i just miss him so so much.
I apologise for the long message x
I lost my wonderful dad on the 3rd of March this year. He was the most amazing dad we had such a close bond. He was always there for me when i needed him and also my girls his 3 beautiful grandchildren.
He loved them so much and same again would drop anything to be there for them if they needed anything.
He was diagnosed with prostate cancer in 2017 which was a shock then told after tests it had progressed to stage 4 so it was terminal.
We were all beyond devastated i cried for weeks. Not long after being diagnosed he lost his partner of over 20 yrs to sepsis and because of this he had to leave the home they shared together.
No way was i going to let him get a place of his own i told him your coming to live with me. His cancer was doing so well his oncologist was happy with his scans and the prostate cancer was very much at bay. But because of the prostate cancer he was catheterised and was told that this would only be for around 3 mths until he got the op he needed to sort the problem out. This didn’t happen and his appointments were constantly cancelled due to covid. The catheter made him lose all quality of life he was in constant pain forever on the toilet and water infection after water infection. He went from a active man going out in his car and visiting family and friends to being virtually house bound because of it. The district nurses were out most days because it would constantly block.
Then came the morning he woke in agony with awful pain around his kidney area. The dr wouldn’t see him because he was fully booked that day so he was told to go to the urgent care centre which he did. He was given yet more antibiotics and sent home even though he asked are you sure this isn’t more than a water infection because I’m in so much pain around my kidney.
I left him alone for around 3 hrs that day as i had to be somewhere when i came home he had gone to bed. He said he felt dreadful and just needed to lie down then he was so sick throughout that night. I feel so guilty i never got up to check on him but i had my baby grandson in bed with me and didn’t want to wake him. The next morning he was still being sick and not keeping fluids down. I rang his drs surgery again and i was told to bring him along that morning but i still had my young grandson and my partner was in bed after a nightshift i don’t drive so the dr said bring him when your partner gets up which was around 1pm that day.
By this time my dad was to weak and ill to get out of bed to go to the drs. His dr rang me and told me to take his bp i couldn’t get a reading so he said dial 999 your dad has sepsis i was so scared but the emergency services would not believe me when i told them they said how can a dr diagnose sepsis if he hasn’t seen him. The questions after questions from them and they even wanted to speak to my dad which he tried to do god love him. Eventually around 2 hrs later a ambulance arrived and they faffed about for ages in his room with him before eventually getting him into the ambulance. He was taken to A&E and i was told to ring later to see how he was. When i did they told me they were waiting for test results and that he was comfortable.
Then i got a phone call that terrified me the dr said he’d taken a turn for the worst and that they needed me to go to the hospital i did so and he was wired up and his breathing was very bad. They said they were trying to do what they could for him but his body had gone into septic shock. He was taken to Critical care but died very early the next morning with me holding him. He’d just turned 75.
I blame myself because i feel i didn’t do enough to help him the day before and that night and the next day. If only I’d of acted quicker. My heart is broken and i just miss him so so much.
I apologise for the long message x
I lost my wonderful dad on the 3rd of March this year. He was the most amazing dad we had such a close bond. He was always there for me when i needed him and also my girls his 3 beautiful grandchildren.
He loved them so much and same again would drop anything to be there for them if they needed anything.
He was diagnosed with prostate cancer in 2017 which was a shock then told after tests it had progressed to stage 4 so it was terminal.
We were all beyond devastated i cried for weeks. Not long after being diagnosed he lost his partner of over 20 yrs to sepsis and because of this he had to leave the home they shared together.
No way was i going to let him get a place of his own i told him your coming to live with me. His cancer was doing so well his oncologist was happy with his scans and the prostate cancer was very much at bay. But because of the prostate cancer he was catheterised and was told that this would only be for around 3 mths until he got the op he needed to sort the problem out. This didn’t happen and his appointments were constantly cancelled due to covid. The catheter made him lose all quality of life he was in constant pain forever on the toilet and water infection after water infection. He went from a active man going out in his car and visiting family and friends to being virtually house bound because of it. The district nurses were out most days because it would constantly block.
Then came the morning he woke in agony with awful pain around his kidney area. The dr wouldn’t see him because he was fully booked that day so he was told to go to the urgent care centre which he did. He was given yet more antibiotics and sent home even though he asked are you sure this isn’t more than a water infection because I’m in so much pain around my kidney.
I left him alone for around 3 hrs that day as i had to be somewhere when i came home he had gone to bed. He said he felt dreadful and just needed to lie down then he was so sick throughout that night. I feel so guilty i never got up to check on him but i had my baby grandson in bed with me and didn’t want to wake him. The next morning he was still being sick and not keeping fluids down. I rang his drs surgery again and i was told to bring him along that morning but i still had my young grandson and my partner was in bed after a nightshift i don’t drive so the dr said bring him when your partner gets up which was around 1pm that day.
By this time my dad was to weak and ill to get out of bed to go to the drs. His dr rang me and told me to take his bp i couldn’t get a reading so he said dial 999 your dad has sepsis i was so scared but the emergency services would not believe me when i told them they said how can a dr diagnose sepsis if he hasn’t seen him. The questions after questions from them and they even wanted to speak to my dad which he tried to do god love him. Eventually around 2 hrs later a ambulance arrived and they faffed about for ages in his room with him before eventually getting him into the ambulance. He was taken to A&E and i was told to ring later to see how he was. When i did they told me they were waiting for test results and that he was comfortable.
Then i got a phone call that terrified me the dr said he’d taken a turn for the worst and that they needed me to go to the hospital i did so and he was wired up and his breathing was very bad. They said they were trying to do what they could for him but his body had gone into septic shock. He was taken to Critical care but died very early the next morning with me holding him. He’d just turned 75.
I blame myself because i feel i didn’t do enough to help him the day before and that night and the next day. If only I’d of acted quicker. My heart is broken and i just miss him so so much.
I apologise for the long message x
I lost my wonderful dad on the 3rd of March this year. He was the most amazing dad we had such a close bond. He was always there for me when i needed him and also my girls his 3 beautiful grandchildren.
He loved them so much and same again would drop anything to be there for them if they needed anything.
He was diagnosed with prostate cancer in 2017 which was a shock then told after tests it had progressed to stage 4 so it was terminal.
We were all beyond devastated i cried for weeks. Not long after being diagnosed he lost his partner of over 20 yrs to sepsis and because of this he had to leave the home they shared together.
No way was i going to let him get a place of his own i told him your coming to live with me. His cancer was doing so well his oncologist was happy with his scans and the prostate cancer was very much at bay. But because of the prostate cancer he was catheterised and was told that this would only be for around 3 mths until he got the op he needed to sort the problem out. This didn’t happen and his appointments were constantly cancelled due to covid. The catheter made him lose all quality of life he was in constant pain forever on the toilet and water infection after water infection. He went from a active man going out in his car and visiting family and friends to being virtually house bound because of it. The district nurses were out most days because it would constantly block.
Then came the morning he woke in agony with awful pain around his kidney area. The dr wouldn’t see him because he was fully booked that day so he was told to go to the urgent care centre which he did. He was given yet more antibiotics and sent home even though he asked are you sure this isn’t more than a water infection because I’m in so much pain around my kidney.
I left him alone for around 3 hrs that day as i had to be somewhere when i came home he had gone to bed. He said he felt dreadful and just needed to lie down then he was so sick throughout that night. I feel so guilty i never got up to check on him but i had my baby grandson in bed with me and didn’t want to wake him. The next morning he was still being sick and not keeping fluids down. I rang his drs surgery again and i was told to bring him along that morning but i still had my young grandson and my partner was in bed after a nightshift i don’t drive so the dr said bring him when your partner gets up which was around 1pm that day.
By this time my dad was to weak and ill to get out of bed to go to the drs. His dr rang me and told me to take his bp i couldn’t get a reading so he said dial 999 your dad has sepsis i was so scared but the emergency services would not believe me when i told them they said how can a dr diagnose sepsis if he hasn’t seen him. The questions after questions from them and they even wanted to speak to my dad which he tried to do god love him. Eventually around 2 hrs later a ambulance arrived and they faffed about for ages in his room with him before eventually getting him into the ambulance. He was taken to A&E and i was told to ring later to see how he was. When i did they told me they were waiting for test results and that he was comfortable.
Then i got a phone call that terrified me the dr said he’d taken a turn for the worst and that they needed me to go to the hospital i did so and he was wired up and his breathing was very bad. They said they were trying to do what they could for him but his body had gone into septic shock. He was taken to Critical care but died very early the next morning with me holding him. He’d just turned 75.
I blame myself because i feel i didn’t do enough to help him the day before and that night and the next day. If only I’d of acted quicker. My heart is broken and i just miss him so so much.
I apologise for the long message x
I apologise that this has gone through so many times i don’t know how to correct it 
xx
I think you can delete then post it again, but don’t worry about that.
Unfortunately, things happen when we don’t expect them.
We are not doctors. We trust doctors and health care professionals but with the stress, and ignorance of the medical situation sometimes we don’t act.
Here I would say there are many of us with if only… I should… And many regrets that we have learnt to live with that.
It i’s a long road to go through you have just started. Tried to keep the best memories in your mind when the waves of grief overwhelmed you.
Write your memories and don’t forget the love he has for you.
All the best
I am very sorry. I did not read your whole story.
But this loss is an experience that takes most people by surprise … even in cancer it is all a surprise as it twists and turns.
it is a bad bad ride. I wish you the best. I lost my dad ten years ago and it still feels like yesterday.
I’m sorry it was very long. I’m sorry to hear you lost your dad also and yes we’ll never get over it just have to learn to live with it as people say. But I’m not sure it’s something I’ll learn very quickly xx
Thank you for your lovely reply. Yes my dad was very badly treat that day by the health professionals and the ambulance service. I’ve been told by lots of people not to stand for it and take things further. But I’m not sure what it would achieve. If i thought it would bring him back I’d do it in a heartbeat but he’s never coming back and that’s hard enough to deal with xx
Hello Fatima,
I am so sorry to hear about your poor Dad. My wife died in March from cancer, she was less than 8 stone when she died, and was in a lot of pain, so I have some idea of what you might be going through. She also was troubled by vivid hallucinations. I would visit her nearly every day, for around 8 hours or more, but there were times when I was exhausted and couldn’t make the long trip to hospital. At first I felt very guilty about this, but because of the medication my wife was on, she wasn’t completely aware that I had taken days off. She died with me holding her, and that was awful. I couldn’t get the image out of my head whenever I closed my eyes. Now, 5 months later, I can look back and feel a bit of relief that she is out of that dreadful pain that she was in. There was no cure for her gastric cancer, and it was better for her to go than carry on in agony. I don’t know if there is such a thing as an “easy death”, it certainly wasn’t easy for my Debs, but I am coming to accept that there was no way to avoid the pain and the misery that she went through, and that through death she isn’t suffering any more. I too had some guilt about not spending more time with my daughters, but you know what? They are young and resilient and don’t seem to have been affected greatly. To be honest, I think they were relieved that I was doing all the visiting, so that they didn’t have to. All the very best to you, your Dad, and your son. Best wishes for his exam results.
Everyones experience of loved ones passing, have alot of similarities to my partner of 22yrs passing away after 3yrs battling stage 4 cervical cancer.
I was by her side for the whole journey, the 1st meeting to be told the news she had cancer -until her last day 05/05/22.
In the begining I was working in the fish trade with my hours being 2am to 3/4pm evening.
Her diagnosis hit me very hard and I would spontaneous cry any time and go and hide behind the big freezers. I couldn’t sleep and I had strange feelings and thoughts.
As months went by it really took its toll on my mental health and my consontration.
I would take random days off telling no body where I was and management wernt to happy.
The last straw was crashing the work van and my car in a week.
That in a way was a wake up call and now I could really spend time with my partner.
In the first part of my partners treatment we managed to do all the things we liked to do as she really coped well with the chemo.
Down the coast with our lovely frenchy, Dora, calling in to our favourite coffee shops,
And buying bulk parcels of fish as we loved our seafood.
As treatment went on my partner boar the scars with 2kidney stents, a permanent catheter and severe nerve damage In her legs.
This took its toll and our little adventures came to a sudden stop.
My partner barely left her bed, she had a hole in her bowel and had no control of everything
which ended all on the bedding, the floor leading to the on suite and her self.
I had to help in changing everything that was soiled and making sure she had some comfort for a while.
My partner had the added problem of being type 1 diabetic.
This caused a massive problem in her final days.
My partners last 5days were the most traumatic moments of my life and I hope I never have to witness anything remotely similar as I would not be able to cope for a second time.
I remember my partner shouting for me in morning as if something was wrong.
I ran up the stairs and she said “We need to be weighed for our holiday”.
Straight away I checked her blood sugar and it was dangerously low.
After combating that problem, she seemed to be with us again.
I was now getting worried and asked for her mam and my mam to spend more time with us.
My partner took a turn for the worse after a few episodes of severe pain as she caught sepsis and told nurses she was refusing hospital treatment and medication.
She went into a deep sleep and checks by nurses were un readable.
Her body was shutting down.
Her breathing was getting more distant.
At this point I could not face my partner I loved and cared for struggling with every breath.
I have never felt so traumatised, and new I would find it very hard to overcome such a memory, a memory no one should remember, your partner leaving this world in away she wouldn’t like to go.
I will never forget the torture my partner went through, but I know I did my best and made sure she looked her best as we said our goodbyes.
It’s been 4months since and everything is still so raw. I am finding it very hard to accept.
My partner was only 42 and such a lovely person to know.
She had more to offer this world than Me.
I would swap anyday.