I lost my mum nearly six months ago from bowel cancer after a long battle, she was 89. I used to see her not everyday but a couple of times a week, but used to speak on the phone everyday. She was my best friend.
My dad has Alzheimer’s so alongside carers
I am trying to look after him, which is difficult as well as trying to grieve for my mum.
I had my birthday last week which wasn’t enjoyable as hadn’t got my mum to celebrate with me. It’s also going to hard as it’s the family’s first Xmas without her so it’s going to be low key for us all
I miss her so much and some days don’t know how I cope, I’m not working at the moment because of looking after my dad and see friends when I can. Some of my friends were good when mum passed but one or or two have got more distant, a couple didn’t even send me their usual birthday cards.
I just feel lost at the moment and don’t know where I go from here
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum, @Kaz1967, and that you’re not getting the support that you need. You are not alone.
It sounds like you’re doing your best in coping with so much, while grieving your mum, too. Are you getting any support yourself in looking after your dad? Alzheimer’s Society offer practical advice and emotional support to people affected by dementia, including families. You can call their Dementia Support Line free on 0333 150 3456.
If you would be interested in counselling, Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: sueryder.org/counselling.
Many of our members have experienced the loss of their mum, too. I’m sure someone will be along to share their support.
Hi Kaz,
I’m so sorry for you loss.
I feel your pain. I too lost my mum in late July & am struggling a lot. My dad died nearly 14 years ago. I feel all alone. Mum was my anchor in the world. My safe place. There’s no one else who has that power.
It was my birthday 2 months after mum died & I just stayed in bed.
It’s hard being a carer, especially for a dad with Alzheimers. Were your parents still together when your mum died?
Hi Anna321, so sorry for your loss too
I don’t know about you, but I’m struggling with Xmas already. Can’t be bothered to do anything regarding Xmas, just not in the mood.
I’m sorry to hear you spent your birthday in bed. My partner took me out on my birthday this year to try and make it easier for me but it was still hard
Yes mum and dad were still together when she died, they had been married 66 years.
Do you have many friends or family you can talk to when you are feeling down about your mum?
Hi Rebecca 23, sorry for your loss, when did your mum pass away? How are you coping, Xmas is going to be difficult this year for me and family but we have to carry on and try to make the most of it especially for our dad
Hi Kaz1967,
I have my sisters & nephews but we are all struggling with our loss. The emptiness is overwhelming & it’s hard to see anything good or beautiful in the world because everything feels meaningless. I’m always on the brink of tears.
Xmas eve will be my mums 5 month anniversary & the pain of loss feels so raw & yet it also feels like I haven’t seen mum for years rather than months.
Friends did offer to treat me on my birthday but I said I needed to be alone. They sent me cakes & chocolates though which was lovely of them.
It’s been almost 18 months for me but still very painful and certainly not in the Christmas mood. That must be really hard to have to be strong for your father as well and watch him decline. What stage is he at? And happy belated birthday!
Hi Rebecca, it’s not that long really since you lost your mum. They say the first Xmas and their 1st birthday since they died is very hard, but no matter how long every year it’s always going be sad.
What part of the UK are you, I’m near Coventry but originally from Northants where my dad and family still are. He has very mild Alzheimer’s at the moment and he is 89.
They sure were hard yeah but finding the second ones equally so. I haven’t put up xmas decorations either year, it just feels hollow without her. The hardest thing I find is that the grief has made me lose interest in all the things I usually love which makes it harder for others to relate. All I really wanted to talk about for a long time was what I’m going to do with the grave. Mum was cancer too, such an appalling thing to watch someone you love go that way.
How was your first xmas without her? And with mild Alzheimer’s does that mean he is still very aware? I’m in Welwyn Garden City but was also from Northants - Irthlingborough if you know of it?
Hi Kaz1967,
I’m in North London.
I don’t like to burden my friends with my grief as it’s a lot to put on others.
Let me know how the counselling goes. I signed up last week for some online counselling from Sue Ryder but haven’t heard back yet & also I’m on a (5 month!) waitlist for some face to face counselling locally. It’s really hard as I feel I need this now. I have so much anger in me over how things went with mum & I need an outlet for this.
My dad had dementia & my mum looked after him for nearly a decade. He died young though ( only 65). Mum was such an incredible person. She looked after dad without complaint & it was so hard. She really was the strength for the whole family.
Does your dad understand about your mum? It must be so difficult for him too.
Hi @Kaz1967 im sorry for your loss. I lost my mum 8 months ago. You have had alot to work through, losing your mum and looking after your dad. I stayed in bed on my mums birthday. It sounds like you have some good friends, could you go for a coffee with them, have a break and a chat. I went out with a friend for coffee and of course cake, just being out took me away from my thoughts, my loneliness, just for an hour, but it was good.
Hi Rebecca, Yes I have heard of Irthlingborough, used to have a friend live near there. How long ago did you move away? Mum only died in June this year so this is the 1st Xmas without her, we have got the whole family included in Xmas, so are there to support each other. What plans have got for Xmas?
Hi Mel64,
Sorry for your loss. It will be your first Xmas too without your mum. What plans have you got for Xmas? I’m sorry too it was difficult on your birthday, it’s always extra difficult on the first of birthdays, Xmas etc
Yes I have good friends that I see regularly as you say it takes your mind off things if only for an hour. Whereabouts are you in the UK?
I did have to wait a good few weeks to hear about the Counselling from Sue Ryder, as you can imagine they are busy, but really happy I will be getting the counselling soon. Yes your dad was young 65 and too my mum looked after my dad until she became too poorly. He has mild Alzheimer’s so sometimes he is ok and other days not so. Yes he knows about mum and we both get upset when we are talking about her
Hi sorry i havent replied sooner. I have 2 of my older children coming with my grandchildren. I keep trying to sort things out for christmas, but its hard, im only now putting my decorations up. My brother should be coming but mum going seems to have been the last straw for him, he’s very angry all of the time. However i have been getting him to bake cakes, which he enjoys and i like eating them. Even if its just for a few minutes he calms down, though i might have to join weightwatchers after christmas. I am in stowmarket, suffolk.
It’s nice that you have grandchildren who will help to distract you from thinking about your mum. Unfortunately I never had any children my choice really. I meet up with friends regularly and have my work
Trouble is when you spend time on your own you have time to think about your mum, but she wouldn’t have wanted me sat about getting upset.
When we found out she only had a few months to live it was me that was in pieces, she was calm and said she,d had a good life.
One month later she had passed away so didn’t last a few months as the hospital told us
I have six free bereavement sessions online from Sue Ryder, I’m got my first one on Jan 6th, which hopefully will help me cope better
Nice to hear from you. My counselling session went ok, we chatted about my father who has Alzheimer’s how he is coping and how I’m coping. I really found it helpful and looking forward to my next session next week.
How are you ? how was your Xmas? I was full of cold and was in bed all over Xmas, I was missing my mum loads too as it was the 1st Xmas with her.