I am Tony.
I lost my partner James in the terrorist attack in Reading on the 20th of June 2020. He was one of the 3 victims who have been murdered. You can easily find out about the wonderful person he was through the tributes that have been paid to him after the event. He was an incredible human being: kind, selfless, passionate and empathetic.
I met my partner only 17 months before this happened. I know it is not very long but our relationship was very strong, easy, simple and promising. We both met at a moment of our lives when we were about to give up looking for the right one.
I know it was very strong because his family, friends and even colleagues keep telling me he told them how much he loved me. He even told some of them I was his saving grace. I also love him deeply and we had plans for the near future. We were both teacher and he was not only a wonderful partner, he was also my mentor and my support as I am just starting my career in teaching.
I know it is very early but I have hard time coping with his death. It was a violent and shocking death.

I don’t have any family here (I am French). My birthday was 3 days after his death and he had planned everything for me to receive my present and a card on that day. I had to open them after his death.
Similarly, his funerals happened one day before his birthday.
His Family and friends have been wonderful with me and they considered me as part of them straight after the event. The problem is that they live in Liverpool and I live in London.
I have two very good friends here that helps me but they also have their own lives and cannot really be with me all the time.
Given the fact that it is considered as a terrorist attack, a lots of events are taking place and I cannot really leave the country to see my family and friends.
It has been 5 weeks now and Iam still mourning not only him but also my future. We were supposed to move together soon and he was re-learning French so that we could also visit my parents soon.
I am really convinced he was the one and I feel a lot of sadness but also despair and hoplessness. I strongly believe that I will never be happy again and that something denied me this right for ever.
I have nice dreams about him (wedding planning, return from holidays, him asking for a hug…), but they always end up by me realising that it is impossible. Then I wake up, most of the time crying.
I am seeing counselors already but unfortunately we still have a big step to go through: the trial starts end of November.
People keep telling me that I am currently living the hardest moment of my life but I do not see why it would stop there. I barely survive this one and I have the feeling that each difficult moments to come will remind me that event. I just do not have any hope anymore. I sometimes doubt that life is worth living without him.
I will stop her now because I realise I wrote quite a large piece of text.
I just need some support/ testimony from people who managed to live through this type of event.
Thank you

Hi Tony
My heart breaks for you. I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you. You lost your partner in a horrific way. The only thing I can share with you is that myself and my husband met when we had both given up on love. Time really is not relevant when you meet the one. You just know. I waited a long time for him and he was taken from me when we still had so much living to do. So many plans. I feel like that’s my chance of happiness gone and I have to make a new life without him. I am so pleased you found this site. Everybody on here is really supportive and lovely. It really helps to post how you are feeling.Sending healing hugs your way💙

1 Like

Hi Tony,
I am so sorry that you are suffering so much grief, I was horrified when I heard of the Reading terrorist attack. These people who perpetrate these attacks, forfeit the right to live in society.
I hope that you will have peace of mind eventually although at such early days you will not envisiage it.
Take care and stick with us, we are a very caring group of people, :heart_decoration:


I am crying every day and even though I never acted on it, the idea of ending the pain crosses my mind daily.
Yesterday, I went to a pub with friends and I realised it was the pub in which we took the pictures that was used at the funeral.
I just miss him so much. And I hardly believe it will ever get better.

1 Like

Hi Tony
You have been through a terrible ordeal and experiencing all kinds of emotions right now.My husband’s funeral was 4 weeks ago. I don’t think any of us can see things getting better so early on. It may help to read through some posts on here. There are a lot of people a lot further down the road than we are. It is good that you have friends to lean on. My two best friends have been amazing. Please keep posting on here and look after yourself💙