I am very grateful to find this group. My father dead 3 weeks ago and due to covid and dysfunctional family dynamics i was not able to see him and say goodbye. My father was a single parent so i saw him more like a mother figure than a father one.
My father married 2 women after my mother and with both of them he created a new family that i was only a little bit a part of. He married his 3rd wife without even inviting me or my sister to the wedding. I have tried I over the years to understand and forgiving⌠Mostly i have won the huge task but my father died 3 weeks ago and his current wife has nearly totally shut me out. I text her letting her know i wanted to visit the hospital to see my Dad and her reply was you can come after he gets home. She explain I couldnât even call him.
I knew i could go to the hospital and arrange things myself and my friends in the health profession explain the rules were only 2 people at a time and i could definitely go. I did not want to start world war 3 so i decided to just wait it out. My main concern was my fathers wife as for some reason nothing i could do would help her see who i really am. She always thinks me and others are attacking her or upset with her when we are totally the opposite. I knew there was no way of talking to her about this calmly.
Anyway text me to say she would let me know how my father was and then the next thing i know he died. which i understand this happens but i then learn she decided to stop the Oxygen that was keeping him alive without telling me. I found this all very hard. But even then i understood because she and my father are just so dysfunctional. I am actually concerned for her she was not left in a good position by my father. She does not need to be dealing with me, a person that seems to cause her grate pain. Out of respect i have left her alone.
This whole thing is hard enough yet what i am finding the hardest is how to cope with being is lock down and not able to visit anyone for support.
There has been no funeral so no kind of gathering i could attend. My dads wife had her family come to her home and my brother but i was not invited. { we are not really allowed to attend each other homes anyway}.
I am wondering if any one is dealing with either grieving while in lock down or with this kind of dysfunctional dynamics?
I hope this is not too much of a ramble. I am very upset today. Thank you for reading.
Morning
I read you predicament and have some similar experiences or lockdown preventing me seeing my dad, and a step-mother who is blockimg you and being well unkind doesnât cover it, but itâs a start.
Complex families are really hard, and Iâm struggling to come to terms with the loss, it feels unreal. As yet I have no words of.wisdom, but I understand the frustration, hurt and feeling of emptiness.
Big hugs
Alice
Your words mean so much. My heart goes out to you. Yes its hard to know what to say in a time like this.
Just writing this helped. Are you in lock down as well?
I have been dealing with this family dysfunction for years but i usually cope by seeing my kids, friends or driving to the country. All of that is out of the question now due to strict lockdown.
Also not having a funeral is so cruel. I do believe that know not how hard this makes it for other that are not there. Leaving the zoom funeral is better than no funeral at all.
I was in lockdown while my Dadâs health was failing, but unfortunately by the time the restrictions lifted he had died. Iâm not now.
My step mother first said there would be no funeral, but then did arrange one. We managed to speak to the local funeral directors who confirmed it so we were able to âgatecrashâ. It was horrendous, and while it helped to have a service, it felt as if it was for someone I didnât know- it was so generic.
Itâs hard as people donât want to believe people can be so unkind, yet I have years of experience with it. My step sister has been kind, (she doesnât speak to her mother now), and that helps.
Writing a letter to my Dad is my next move, when I am ready to remember better times and use it to say goodbye.
Reaching out to those who knew my Dad and sorting an obituary also helped. Perhaps that may help you?
Wow. Itâs so hard when your father creates another family that is not inclusive of the old one. Yes its so hard to understand how people can be so unkind.
Writing a letter is a great idea i definitely think i will try that. I also watch a wonderful video on complex grief that talked about creating a book to write thoughts down starting wth â i am so angry thatâŚ.â The idea is to let the anger leave by putting it on the page.
Really i can believe your strop mother didnât ask you to the funeral.
My father had a type of women that he was attracted to and they all sound like your step mother . Over the years i had seen these women all of them had harder and harder lives while my life gets filled with more and more kindness and goodwill from others. We all choosing the bed we lay in. I will pray from both your step mother and my dadâs wife. Their souls must be in such pain because of their choices.
I call my dadâs second wife my step mother as i was a child when she came along. I was a young adult when my dads third wife pop into the scene.