Well today I lashed out At my ex bf who’s also my best friend in a message!
Long story short, we spent 5 years together ( but on and off ) I finished it in July - I know there’s not a future there but we were incredibly close and remain very close and it’s another massive loss!
He’d lived with his parents all his life until losing mum, a few weeks ago, so now just dad and has a sister who has stayed for a few months since losing their mum.
We are in touch quite frequently and he helps. And I help him.
I read on FB ppl asking when he’s moving to Scotland ( sister lives there ) and it’s been a shock and upset!
He loves Scotland and goes several times a year to walk and escape so I was half expecting it tbh but to read it before he’d said anything… Nothing is def he’s said and he would’ve mentioned it, if and when they do move.
I’ve included him in my plans this year and he’s down as my next of kin so I’m now panicking!!! I have no family here now and very few friends.
I’ve spent a whole month in my house!! I’m going through accumulative grief, the last major loss being my dad 2 years ago. Depression has returned and I’m not getting any support. I feel lonely, isolated and frightened! I also suffer with anxiety and depression. I was attending a support group but struggled to get out to that so now not. I am looking at reaching out to another community organisation.
Should I be seeing my doctor and asking her about grief counselling? Or getting mental health support? Or both? What has helped ppl on here?
I can’t carry on like this!!
Thanks so much x
Hello @Phoenix36, I just wanted to say well done for recognising that you might need some extra help right now.
You might already be familiar with our other Online Bereavement Support services, but if not, you can find out more about our Online Counselling service, our Grief Coach text support service, and our Grief Guide self-help tools by visiting the link. Our Online Bereavement Counselling is held via video chat, so you wouldn’t need to leave the house.
Your GP can also refer you to counselling or other support services in your area.
I’m sure someone will be along to share their experiences, but I wanted to share that link with you to look at, and I hope it’s helpful.
I’m sorry to hear you’re having a difficult time at the moment. It definitely sounds like you’re in need of a little bit more care and support right now. I personally attend private counselling/therapy, and have found it to be extremely helpful for me. I started counselling well before I tragically lost my father this year, and took a long break before going back actually. However, after months of suffering, I eventually went back when I knew I was ready to face the pain rather than avoid it. And thank God I did go back, when I did, as I fear that without having that external outlet, and support, I would have imploded from all the, at times - unbearable pain that I was experiencing due to my grief. I have family and one great friend that really supported me, and I adore them for sticking beside me during this rather challenging and unbelievably life altering chapter of my life. However, I found that I couldn’t always go to them. And not because they didn’t want to support me, but I didn’t always want to burden them with my grief and sadness. And even though my friends and family explained they would listen to me, I suppose there is only so much an individual can do for you, especially when they can’t really truly relate to the pain you’re feeling. As with my family, well, they were grieving too! So sometimes, they didn’t want to always be talking about the whole experience and the depression of it all. It’s far too heavy at times, and you’ll find everyone has a specific process individual to them. At times I would take it personally when my siblings wouldn’t want to talk about anything pertaining to emotions or how they were feeling and coping with the bereavement forgetting that even though we are in this process together, they are navigating their own lives and loss separately to me, which is when I decided it was time to go back to counselling and it’s been so instrumental to my stability now. Grief is grief, no matter what you do. But I feel able to sit in the void, and feel whatever I need too, and I know I will be ok. I know I am supported by someone. And I have an outlet! Sure - I pay for it, but it’s a service. Sometimes you just have to pay for a service, but I promise, it can be the best investment you will ever make when you find the right counsellor. I hope this helps you on your continued journey, and I wish you the best with your search. It’s hard to be so objective about things, because we’re so clouded by our emotions, that sometimes we forget to see the bigger picture. You will be loved, supported, and adored in the way that you desire and deserve to be.
All the best xxx
Thank you so much for that.
I have had counselling in the past - CBT many years ago for my mental health then I paid for private counselling after my divorce 6 years ago. I went for a year, and was going through so much at the time, what initially should have been to talk about the divorce, turned into talking about every aspect of my life, what was happening with my elderly dad, it all falling to me being an only adult child, all the responsibility on my shoulders, my only daughter moving out to live with her dad when I was struggling, and never coming back, and since then our relationship has completely broken down. It has devastated me! I don’t even receive a text / letter / call or visit.
My parents had me late so I’ve now lost both of them all all of my family except for cousins who all live miles away. It’s a very lonely place to be. I was married for 13 years and with my ex husband for 21 years so that’s still a massive void!
So yes, I’ve been through an awful lot!
I agree, one of my faults is not taking the right steps sometimes or action! I can go on and on and on with ppl - who if they’re good enough will listen and empathise and support me but like you say, there’s only so much 1 person can do!
My ex bf rang yesterday and we had a lovely chat. Moving to Scotland is just being talked about. He asked me why I couldnt go, but it’s his dream not mine! I’ve never been, don’t know the place, would love to visit but I think my home is here. I’ve been lucky enough to be able to buy my home after a terrible time. It was totally unexpected and its now providing such comfort and I’m getting it really nice.
Did the last counselling help me? I’m not sure - not really if I’m honest. After a year she politely said that we could carry on but she didn’t want to take my money any more lol…in order words I ended up feeling like even she felt there was TOO MUCH to discuss / help with lol!!
I’m so reluctant to ask for help in general. I take on so much and it gets to a point but I reluctantly realise I need to …
Thanks Again. Much appreciated x
I have tried both paths in the past, having had issues with anxiety, and both did help. But there was a lot of trial and error before I found a counsellor who I could talk to properly, with several attempts that failed miserably because they didn’t understand. I went privately, I should say, after finding no luck within the mental health system. Grief counselling might be good to begin with and then think about more support. I hope you find a way that works for you, I know how difficult it is to struggle with both grief and other issues.
I understand your reluctancy, that feeling you’re explaining resonates with me a lot. It took a lot of trial and error to find the ‘right one’, but once I did, it made all the difference- truly. And to be honest, the reason it’s worked so well, and lasted this long is because we had to establish a foundation of trust. It is possible for you to find the right support, it does mean though that you have to do your due diligence when searching for a therapist, and that in itself can be quite a taxing process but I really do believe that once you find your one, nothing before will matter. You’ll almost appreciate them more because of your past experiences? It’ll have you feeling like it was the best investment you ever made! Really.
You’re not faulted for wanting support, and searching for it wherever you go. There is no right way of doing anything - you find what works for you, and keep doing it. Sharing and inspiring others too. It’s normal to want to express your thoughts and feelings, and it’s even more normal to do it with people who give you the space and time to do so especially because it sounds like you’ve suppressed a lot of emotions and when you do finally meet someone that truly honours you in the moment, you let it all out. That’s absolutely ok by the way! I sometimes do it too. To not hurt yourself, and as a way to self preserve, it would be helpful to speak to someone qualified to listen and offer objective support that’s personalised to your needs. With friends and family, it’s difficult because transference happens quite a bit - and when that happens, out of survival, they will do their part to self preserve meaning they can’t always consistently show up for you. And for you, I feel like stability is important right now especially when life’s becomes unpredictable, and you’re living in uncertain times, it’s so important that you’re supported consistently. This helps develop your self esteem, and self confidence which is a catalyst for a lot of improvements elsewhere in your life!
I feel so much for you, you’ve been through a lot. And I don’t know you, but I’m so glad that you’re still here, fighting and showing up everyday. Even with all of that you’re facing, you’re still here searching for help. Though it may not seem like it, I’m reading between the lines and I hear someone fighting for autonomy in their life. You will get there! You just need a team to support you through it. If counselling is an option for you, even with your doubts, please give it another go! I’d be more than happy to assist you with your search? I have a bit of time, and I’m willing to help you. And if that’s not something you wish to explore just yet, I can send you a few online/in person support groups to look into.
@Phoenix36 You deserve to be here