Counselling

I’ve had 4 sessions of bereavement counselling,(once a week) I don’t know if I’m reading too much into it but I get the impression she thinks I don’t need it.
She keeps telling me I’m emotionally intelligent and I’m dealing with it very well. I don’t feel like I’ve dealt with any part of it. I’ve told her i feel like I’m not dealing with it and I just keep storing it all up. Then she said do you want to come back in a fortnight? I just stared at her in shock so she said I’ll make one for next week
Any thoughts?

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Counselling varies so much and depends on how you get on with your counsellor. Ive had 3 different ones with varying success. If its not working are you able to get a different one. X

I’m not sure if theres another one available (I could check)
Since that day (10 months nearly) so much has happened, if someone told me my story I don’t know if I’d believe them. I told her I don’t feel like I’ve processed anything from the day it happened it’s like I’ve boxed each issue up and closed the lid. It’s like I’m on auto pilot.
I’m just confused by it as I’ve told her where I feel I need help, and she says I’m dealing with it well,
I don’t know how I expect her to help or even if she can, or is this normal for counselling

@Sah28, I do not have much experience of councelling in general, but did have one for bereavement for a long period of time. It was helpful in the sense that he was the only consistent support at that point. I have heard about being boxed up and on auto-pilot, and at some point the grief would circle back/break through… and one would have to deal with it then.

I also find that many counsellors do not understand spousal loss if they have not gone through it themselves, which may contribute largely to why she said that you are dealing it well. Grief is very hard for others to see and being around with, which include therapists. My sense is that we may want to follow our hearts and mind, and see who may be the best therapist for us. Personally I pray a lot, to ask for guidance and protection.

Have you joined any in person bereavement group ? I find them helpful at times. because we can feel understood, heard and share some coping skills.

Best wishes for you. Hugs.

Good morning @Sah28
I know how you feel. I’m actually struggling to find any sort of counselling at the moment, because they are all in work hours.
Like you , I don’t know if I’m reading too much I to it but it feels like I’m just being told , if you are managing to work, and can’t access ( interpreted as don’t need to) then you must be okay???!!!

And when I have got to speak to someone, before finding out they don’t do any sessions out of work times, I just get told …
Well done, you are doing all the right things, you are doing well !!!
Again maybe I’m over reading into it but I just get the feeling that because I manage to work, and seemingly function I must be okay?? I’m really not.

But I’m losing faith in even trying to bother to find any counselling at the moment. And I don’t think anyone could help me anyway … Because I know I’m not ready to accept that it’s true (and it’s 17 months for me)

I even had a thought (almost a light bulb moment) yesterday when I was walking out dogs (6am).

I don’t think it’s me that needs the counselling - it’s all the people around me, who don’t want to accept how I am now, or how I’m dealing with my grief, how I’m a different person now, how I’ll never me the old me again,
and how I just need them to tell me,
" we know you are still sad, we know you are struggling , it’s okay, it’s up to you how you deal with it"

Big hugs :hugs::hugs::hugs:

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I do feel people who haven’t experienced it don’t understand.
I haven’t joined any in person groups I am struggling going out.

Completely get you, I’m not me no more as well and I never will be the same again.
I’m the same I haven’t accepted, i still sometimes think they got it wrong (he was in Belgium, passport lost in transit and closed coffin) was it really him?
I’m on the sick still and trying to keep everything “normal” as possible for our autistic 11 yr old
But I’m doing well?? I feel like I’m on the edge
So you could be right it’s everyone else that needs help :see_no_evil:

Omg @Cathphil i just had to buy a new landline phone, because old one wasnt ringing and plug it all in ! I have never done that before, my husband always did it ! You know what i wish i had gone with him. I cant stand this life anymore … :frowning: whats the point of it all ? X

dear @Deb5
I know my darling, all these things are so very hard…
And that’s why the loss of a partner is unlike any other, so gut wrenchingly difficult at every single turn.
Love, hugs, and strength to you
:heart::hugs::pray:

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So sorry to read your story, that must be super hard. I lost my girl, but I knew it was coming and I had the chance to care for her to the end. To lose someone suddenly, I can’t begin to feel that pain… I’d say you’ve done bloody well so far. Others don’t change, others can’t understand it… unless they’ve experienced it. It’s horrible that the world continues, and we are stuck… but it does, and so do you and I. Those horrible days, hours, moments will become less, I’m sure of it. I have no children, I have family but I don’t see them nor am I close… so loneliness is a big problem for me. It’s good that you have a focus with your son, but that’s not a choice is it… Please try and give a tiny bit of your day and focus on yourself, just for a moment… and make sure you think good thoughts even if the rest of the day is hard. All of us here share a bond with you, and we’re here to listen to the stuff you can’t say to others around you :slight_smile:

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I’d say you definitely need a different councillor 100%. I’ve only done it once in the past, 14 years ago. It was almost life saving for me, and I will never forget the time she gave me to dump my thoughts. It’s not about getting answers from them, it’s about you feeling able to let it out, and to be listened to. My girl was also a councillor many years ago, so I got the run down before I went, and she was so very right… as always.
But, I’ve recently waited 6 months to get 6x one hour sessions from the hospice, I went to see them and they said yes we can definitely help you. I turned up, nice lady to talk to. She told me it’s not just about grief, we can talk about anything… so I did. Second session I dropped my whole world on her, things I’ve never told another human being… Then a few days after, I get a call from the hospice… Sorry, we can’t help you, you need a specialist councillor as we only deal with grief…
I was deeply hurt I can tell you.
But I will not stop until I do find a councillor I click with :slight_smile: It’s really very good to talk, don’t ever expect an answer, that’s something you will work out in time :slight_smile: .

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We miss them in so many ways, sometimes it’s the silliest of things that bring the pain, stuff they always took care of… But you know they wouldn’t want you to feel like you do right now, the pain is horrible I know that. But it does pass and we do have days that are almost normal, until we feel guilty for not being sad all day… it’s a vicious thing to deal with. What is the point? That’s a damn good question, but one we have to try and answer when the cloud of grief has lifted for a while. Please feel free to drop me a message if you ever need a stranger with an open ear, I’m no expert and I don’t have the answers, but I’ve got two ears to listen.

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Thank you lovely lady. It nearly kills you doesn’t it … that pain of doing things by yourself that you never did before … i never had to so all this alone before … its so hard ! Xx

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Thanks you @Gav thats so kind of you :wink: and youre right we have days when we feel normal and then other days we fall apart. Today was one of those days … i almost feel like i live two lives … the grieving widow carrying all that pain and the one u show to the world - trying to be brave and sometimes it works you know but its the silliest things that bring it home to you just how very alone you are now. I hate that feeling the most … that feeling of being so alone. I never felt alone for 37 years ! He made sure of that ! Bless him xxx

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True story Deb :slight_smile: I’ve been suffering a mild dose of man flu, so the last few days have been a bit horrible, we all need that comforting cuddle from our partner when we’re low… but now we can’t get it. Loneliness is so very hard, but… that’s why I’m here right now. Connecting with you and others out there that know what its about. 37 years aye, some would say thats a lifetime, but if you’re like me you probably feel it was 5 minuets in time. But it wasn’t was it, I had my girl for 30 years, it does feel like no time at all. But then I start to think back, way back… and I realise we had so long together, just not long enough. I’m 52 now, feel like 30 ish :smiley: but I do also feel I have zero chance to find another close companion… but you really never know. 32 years ago I went looking for a mate who’d moved, knocked on the door, and the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen opened that door… I looked at her, fell instantly in love… and made it my life mission to look after her… and I did :slight_smile: So, there is always hope.

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Aw … what a lovely story. Yeh 37 years i was with him and 35 years married. I gave him 3 kids and i wouldnt have swapped it for the world. Course theres hope of finding another companion. 52 is nothing … my dad found someone at 80 !! Lol … making friends is the key. My puppy , lucy has helped me make some lovely dog walker friends :slight_smile: honestly dunno what i would do without them … its just that i still have hard days when i miss him, his love, his care, his support - cant compare it to anything can you ? And yet you dont even appreciate it at the time, sadly , u enjoy it but you never expect to lose it either do you ? x

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I get this, struggling going out. It has been more than two years, I still find it very difficult due to triggers are everywhere. The world did not stop while mine did.

At one point, you may find those who you can connect with … As you said, sometimes we can get hurt, often easily. I am now attending an in-person bereavement group really just to keep my contact with the human world. It cannot give me what I need most, my beloved. It is more like sharing sessions of our struggles, insights, and a place to rest. Take care ,

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Mmm, im not sure your counsellor understands you. Mine doesnt particularly say much but just listens and is an outlet for me. I was (only) 48 when i lost Bri suddenly and unexpectedly so none of my friends\peers understand as they all have their partners. Im a member of WAY and have just started going on a few meetups which really help. Are you in any face to face bereavement groups? Sue Ryder also has a counselling service if you were thinking of changing. Xx

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