Covid took my Dad

[AndreaD]

Hi,
Wanted to reach out on here to connect with others who have lost loved ones to Covid.
My wonderful Dad passed on 30th July after testing positive on the 14th. He was immunosuppressed after living with CLL since 2006. But you would never know. He was 71 in body, 30 something in mind. Loved golf and played regularly, still worked full time as a driving instructor, loved music and was due to go to the Isle of Wight festival with my uncle this Sunday. We were also due to go on a Greek Cruise next year, our first holiday together since I was a child.
He was double vaccinated and had spent most of the time since 2020 shielding. But when life started to get back to ‘normal’ he embraced it. He absolutely loved life and grabbed it with both hands.
When he tested positive he was doing great for a couple of days and we thought the vaccines had done their job - brilliant!!!
But then on the 19th July (Freedom Day…hate that day) he was taken to hospital and by the 21st he was in ICU. He was awake the while time until 30th when he couldn’t take any more and his support was switched off. He wasnt allowed any visitors except my stepmum to hold him while he passed in his final hours. I only managed to speak to him a couple of times in his last 2 weeks because he was too poorly to talk and he couldn’t reply to many texts. He video called me to tell me he was going and that was the hardest conversation I have had I my whole life. I told him I loved him and that he was the best Dad in the world.
But my heart aches.
I cry most days and just feel sad all the time.
I miss him so much.
My husband and friends have been great but everyone keeps trying to.make plans and sort Christmas which is the last thing on my mind.
And whenever I tell anyone my dad has passed from covid they ask did he have underlying conditions. When they find out he did, it feels as if they think that’s OK then. Why?? He could have lived another 10 or 20 years with his CLL. He was taken too soon by a horrible virus and I feel so angry.

Is anyone else in a similar situation? Would be good to talk
Andrea x

[SusieM]

Hello Andrea, how sad and I can appreciate your feelings both to freedom day that never was and the underlying conditions which we should respect and not use as an excuse. This virus as is very cruel and I personally can see us living with it for many, many years to come but things will get easier.
Losing someone special is hard and horrible and under such circumstances difficult and yes there are many posts of other people who’s parents have been victims to this horrible virus. My heart goes out to you and like you Christmas will come and go, just another one, so don’t worry. Sending you hugs and blessings and please take care. S xxx

[AndreaD]

Thank you, I will seek put some of the other posts and try and connect. Glad to have found this site xx

[Ricky_123]

Hello AndreaD sorry for your loss it is so sad I lost my wife on New Year’s Day to COVID she was only46 with no health issues just healthy my wife worked for the nhs where she caught the virus there was an outbreak in my wife’s department where she caught it and 10 of her work colleagues but my wife was the one to pass lucky me

[Ricky_123]

Sorry to have sound rude at the end if you need to talk x

[AndreaD]

Oh so sorry Ricky, it is heartbreaking. Your wife was doing a valuable job and was taken far too soon and has no doubt left a massive hole that won’t ever be filled. There’s no right or wrong way to die but for me it feels so unfair that a virus has caused so much pain and its constantly in the news, wrapped around statistics and government agendas. Our loved ones are more than statistics aren’t they.
Never apologise for sounding rude, you didn’t anyway and your grief is your own so you’re allowed to feel however you feel. And likewise, it would be good to keep talking.
Yesterday I cried so much. I could cry at the drop of a hat, which is not like me. I’m finding it hard to remember him and be happy, his memories just remind me he’s not here and I can’t speak to him . Hoping that will get easier as everyone says. You’ll be in my thoughts x

[Ricky_123]

Andrea thank you yes you are right all they are is statistics . They have a shock coming I’m not finished with them yet I’ve had many meetings with the managing director of the hospital and many more this is not the end. How is your stepmom coping give her all my best x

[AndreaD]

Good luck with your fight for justice, if any lessons can be learnt to prevent anyone else suffering the way you have then it will be worthwhile, and for you to get the answers you deserve. My stepmum is, of course, forever heartbroken. She has a good support network though so will keep going and putting things in place to make his memories last.
It’s not right that a lot of truths are being withheld and economy seems to be the driving factor around govt decisions. I suppose we have to do whatever we feel is right and protect our families best way we can…hope you and your family all stay strong together x

[Julie55]

Hi Andrea. I lost my husband in January to covid after a12 day stay in ICU. He was only 57 but had lupus and asthma. We had been together 40 years and have 2 adult sons. They are still struggling now to accept he’s gone. They are getting through by keeping busy and doing things they get pleasure from. However it’s like riding a never ending rollercoaster- some days you’re going up other days you’re hanging on so tightly. And as much as people say the right things and have the best intentions you do still want to shout ‘my dad has died’ I’ve also felt that having a loved one pass with covid makes you a bit of a celebrity as suddenly everyone you know can say they know someone who’s died from this hideous virus.

I am also asking questions of the hospital care Tony received as I felt that many of the doctors and nurses were out of their depth and floundering with how to deal with it. So I strongly support anyone also faced with this.

All we can do is keep going and hope that one day we will be able to achieve acceptance but there’s no timescale for this. But it helps immensely to talk to families going through the same deep sadness just so you know it’s ok to feel like this

Sending you lots of love and strength to keep going

Julie

[Ricky_123]

Hello julie sorry for your loss i also lost my wife in January this is not going to be a easy journey for us or our children me and my wife were together for 29 years since we were teenagers I also have issues with the nhs seeing has my wife work for them save me explaining it’s all in my post. and you are right what you said in your post and nobody believed in COVID it is real as we now. all the best to you and your children xx

[AndreaD]

Thank you Julie. I’m so sorry you’re going through this too. I thought I’d struggle to find others as all I keep hearing is ‘less than 1% will be affected’. How wrong…less than 1% might die, but all their loved ones are also affected and that adds up to a significant number doesn’t it!

I really hope attitudes change as Covid hasn’t gone away and whilst I don’t expect everyone to understand I think those in power should and should be doing more.

Anyway not to rant.

I hope you are all pulling together as a family.

My husband is my rock. I’ve also got my son to keep me busy and some good friends. Struggling for motivation to do anything but finding walking is helping me mentally and talking about my feelings. My husband lost his mum 25 years ago and bottled it all up. He’s only recently started talking about his feelings and getting help. So it really is important isn’t it. To keep talking.

I’m looking forward to being able to talk about my Dad without feeling pain, anger and sadness. He was such a wonderful person, as I know all loved ones are to those closest to them. Life is cruel and doesn’t always make sense.

I also keep trying to ask myself “what would he do” …he’d tell me to live my life because its too short and tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.

Easier said than done right now, but will get there.

Having watched my stepmum over the last 6 weeks, I know I can’t understand how you both feel. I’m so sorry.

Let’s keep talking x

[Julie55]

Hi it’s comforting to hear others feelings as it doesn’t make me feel so alone. It’s different for me and boys but we help each other

It’s a bloody nightmare but I do feel life will settle into some kind of normality. I do know Tony wouldn’t want me to be in turmoil forever. I just miss him so blooming much.

I’m here if you’d like to talk anytime x

[Pidg]

Thank you for posting this Andrea. My dad died with Covid two days ago and it just feels so painful. He had been vaccinated and seemed to be fighting it, but it suddenly took a hold of him. None of us were able to be there with him. Like you, I just feel so lost and finding it really hard to accept that I didn’t get to say goodbye. I struggle that the world goes on as normal and no one has noticed that my precious dad has died. I feel as though you and I are both in the same boat of grief and sadness. Sending distant hugs xx

[AndreaD]

I’m so sorry I completely understand that pain and sadness you’re feeling. Covid is so cruel. Give yourself time to do nothing now except grieve. I found I was numb for a few weeks. I now feel a lot of anger as well as the sadness and some days it’s all consuming. I’ve started counselling as I know I need to start moving forward but it’s just so hard.

I will keep an eye on this thread so that if you want to keep on talking I will be here. And I can share with you what has helped me through this process (although I’m not sure it’s all worked and everyone is different) You’re in my thoughts x

[Pidg]

Thank you so much Andrea. It feels a comfort to know that you understand my pain and yes sharing things that have helped would be useful. It’s just good to know I’m not alone.

[AndreaD]

You’re definitely not alone and reaching out to others has helped me too. Everyone seems to be onboard with supporting messages and campaigns around cancer, mental health etc. But covid has divided the nation. There are so many unaffected and still some non believers. So I’ve found it’s helped me to not follow the news as much and to delete anyone or anything from social media that’s pushing an agenda or making me feel worse.
It took a while to accept he was gone and couldn’t accept people talking about him “looking down on me” etc. However I think I’m OK with that now.
I’ve printed a photo of him for the fireplace, lit candles, dedicated a plant to him, put his name and photo on memorial pages and have planned a trip to London to add his name to the wall at Westminster.

I don’t know how all these things are helping, but I suppose it’s all giving me a focus.

It’s taken a couple of months but I now start every day a bit brighter. There’s a bit more hope that I will one day feel happy again. I have laughed. Not as much as much as I’ve cried but it’s a start.

I don’t know your situation or whether any of this will have resonated with you. But you do need to take it all one day at a time because you will feel differently to how you feel today in time. Its a long process. I still feel uncontrollable emotions some days, but it’s no longer most days.

Today is my husband’s mums 25th anniversary so we went to lay flowers, something we’ve done every year and we’ve been together 8 years. Today its stirred up emotions so I’m just accepting that today might not be a good day. That acceptance is better than trying to push the good days when they’re just not going to happen.

If you work, I hope you are able to take time off. I went back after 3 weeks, but in hindsight it was too soon. However I am very fortunate to enjoy my job and to have the flexibility to work from home, so I haven’t had to run to the toilet or breakdown in front of colleagues. Think hard about this one because once you’re back, you’re back. My grief was delayed so I thought I was ready…I wasn’t.

And definitely consider counselling if you think it would help. I have a good support network but I need to have better coping strategies.

I hope that’s helped. Even if just one thing works for you.

For now, rest, give yourself time and let the world pass you by. Don’t put any expectations on yourself. People keep talking to me about Christmas. I will do it for my son, but it will be hard. Family gatherings will need to be at relatives houses so I can break away and come home to quiet if I need to. Be selfish. You need to look after yourself now.

X

[Pidg]

Thank you so much for taking the time to give me this much support. I have woken early again this morning and my first thoughts have been about the loss of my dad. Your message has encouraged me and given me hope for the future. Weirdly, I am on holiday at the moment, so no work. I have not returned home as yet, because I can’t support my mum due to the fact that she has Covid and my husband is in the vulnerable category, so I am particularly anxious not to pass it onto him. I am semi-retired and most of the work can be done from home, so I will not have that pressure.

I particularly liked your idea of putting his name on the Westminster wall, so I’ll probably try to do that. Counselling would help me too, as my relationship with my dad was a complicated one and I need to try to untangle it a bit. He was a harsh man in many respects, but I still loved him and I guess it has surprised me to have such intense feelings of loss.

I am so glad that you are feeling brighter, than you were. Hopefully I have that to look forward to.

A big thank you again.

X

[AndreaD]

How are you doing Pidg? Just checking in. Its been 3 months this week for my Dad. I still cry most days but the sense of fear and being lost is slowly lifting. I’m starting to look forward and plan things in his memory. I’ve found community groups on social media to also be helpful (but sometimes overwhelming so not for everyone).

We are going to Westminster this Saturday. I know that will be hard but just feels like something we can do as a family for him at this.moment in time.

Love to everyone on this thread

[Pidg]

I really appreciate you checking in with me. So pleased to hear that your feelings of fear and loss are diminishing and that you’re beginning to look forward. Your idea to add your dad’s name to the Westminster Covid Wall is a good way to commemorate him and one I shall copy at a later date. I’m sure that you’re right, it’ll be hard to do, but another way to add to his memory.

The overwhelming fear that I experienced at the beginning has thankfully subsided. I suppose I was in shock. Now that I am able to look after my mum, because she no longer has Covid and have started to sort out my dad’s absolute muddle of paperwork, I am feeling a little more ‘normal’. I still woke early this morning, but feel more able to cope.

Please keep me posted with your progress. I’ll be thinking of you on Saturday.

Sending you a hug for your kindness