Hi I’m new on here and have read some of your supportive and kind posts. I lost my husband nearly 9 years ago now. He was the love of my life and even after this time I still grieve for him. I talk to him telling him what’s been happening in my life. I lost my parents 3 and 11 years ago and miss them still. I helped look after my fathers closest friend who was a lovely 90 year old gentleman. He lived 100 miles from me but I did as much as I could for him. He had a major stroke 2 years ago so I saw him more after that. I had just taken him in for respite into a wonderful care home that he chose. He was there 2 weeks and began to feel poorly, was taken to hospital and died 4 days later with Covid19. He asked for me which just broke my heart. His family didn’t want to sort out the funeral etc so I did it. I organised it but I am shielded so couldn’t go to his funeral although someone videoed it. I feel I looked after him and he trusted me yet I couldn’t be with him when he died and couldn’t say goodbye to him. I feel so guilty and hope he didn’t think that I had abandoned him at the end when he asked for me and I wasn’t there. Him dying has bought all my grief to the fore again and I’m finding it hard to cope especially being shielded. I just have to keep going day to day but can’t get the guilty feeling out of my head. Someone in his family said if I hadn’t taken him to the care home he would be alive today. This makes the guilt worse.
Hello Myannie. What a horrible thing for that family member to say. After all you’d done for your father’s friend, I really think you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. I really believe that when our time is up, that’s it. Your friend was destined to depart this world when he did. Please rest in that you did everything you possibly could for the elderly gentleman, right through to organising his funeral. I’m sorry you couldn’t be with him at the end but that’s the way of Covid19. It’s horrible for so many.
With regards the loss of your husband, I think we’ll grieve forever Myannie. I lost my darling husband 3 years ago now and the pain never fully leaves me. Like you, I chat away to him. It helps keep him alive.
Take care, stay safe and throw out that guilty feeling; it doesn’t belong to you. Love and hugs xx
I literally gasped out loud in horror when I read what that family person said. As I was reading your post I was thinking what a warm wonderful person you are. That man was lucky to have you and asking after you showed just how much he treasured you. I’m sure the nurses told him that visitors were not allowed and you were not there out of choice but unfortunately due to this horrid situation. I know it’s really hard. Try not let those final days define his life and diminish the love and care you gave him for a very long time. He chose that home. He wanted to go. At 90 years old it was unlikely he would fight off this awful virus. How were you or he to know he would catch it in a care home when they are supposed to be safe places.
My beautiful mother and best friend who i cared for many years before her last 2 in care died in April. I visited every day until lockdown. She developed covid but had no major symptoms. She stopped eating, I believe because she missed me and was upset. As she got sicker i could only see her through a window and just missed her passing. We had so many more years together im sure. I am feeling guilty, in denial and angry. She would have felt so abandoned we were always together. I wish i held her hand at the end and not a carer. I hope she knows i wish i could have visited and wished i hadn’t put her in a home. I still talk to her every day and wear her jumper and look at her photos. I can’t believe i will never hold her again. The grief is worse after the funeral and especially at night when i would have helped her to bed
Thank you so much for your care and replying to me. Dudley’s family didn’t want anything to do with his day to day life and I think it is guilt on their part and they have to blame someone and it’s me. That just makes it harder.
I miss my lovely husband every day and this seems to have made me think of his last days too but Im trying to think of all the positive happy times we had together. 9 years seems a long time one day and yesterday the next. I have got used to living on my own but I will never get used to losing him. I chat to him every day which in a way makes him closer again.
Thank you so much for your understanding. I have tried talking to one of my friends but she doesn’t really understand why I feel like I do, which doesn’t help either but you do understand and I really appreciate your support. Thanks xx