Oh Jo, when you ask Darrell to fetch you, this is surely unfair to your daughter, son and grandchildren who all love you. You must be strong for their sake, they need their mum and nanny. Darrell will know this and not want you to leave your family. I am thinking of you and know what you mean about crap days. Someday’s are not so bad and I’m so grateful for those days. Hang in there Jo.
thank you Pattidot i have thought alot about everything our house is paid for my son would stay at the house its been left to him in our wills and my daughter will be secure and so will our granddaughters i just dont think im any use to them without Darrell my my side when Darrell passed away he took most of me with him i used to be so chatty and always laughing our granddaughters wanted to move in with us becauae it was always fun at nani and gangans house x ive got nothing to give any of them any more its just how i feel i hope people dont think i am being selfish as that is not in my nature i just dont want to be here without him x night night love jo xx
You lucky thing Debra, I too have been told that if they come to you in a dream they are making contact. I ask Brian every night, and daytime for that matter to contact me. I want him to come to me in a dream and he did a couple of times but now nothing. I will persevere though. He surely can’t resist for ever, would he dare. Keep dreaming.
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Possessions will never make up for their Mum and nani. Don’t think your no use to them. You are grieving, just as we all are and for the time being you have lost your sparkle, your great love and reason for living. I’m sure they understand that and hope that one day you will come back to them. Sometimes when I’m out I wonder if people can see my miserable face. I feel so miserable that it surely must show and I wonder that anyone would want to be bothered with me. I’m getting worse instead of better as people are beginning to aggravate me. I too wonder what use I am to anyone while like this but live in hope that one day I will see a distant light and find some joy in life again. You too, I am sure, will find strength. God bless.
Hi Jo, I have done exactly the same as you by putting all my financial affairs in order. I just need to finalise paying off our mortgage and then the children will be secure. I totally understand what Pattidot is saying but I feel as if George took most of me with him when he died and I don’t like what I have become. I go to work, I smile, I even laugh and put on a very good front. I get in the car to come home and the tears begin. My daughter has her partner and baby on way and my son is also beginning to settle down. I just hate being on my own without George. However, unless he comes and gets me I guess I am stuck here 
I was very lucky to have a dream about George and strangely my daughter had her first one too on the same night about him. She is beginning to struggle and feels he knows how much we are suffering and he is letting us know that he is still here with us. I have been reading a book by Dr Raymond Moody on the afterlife, and people who have had Near Death experiences and have seen a being in the form of a light and asked how they felt they had lived their life, what they had done well etc., I had to smile as my George was such a chatterbox and loved telling a story, I thought he is probably still telling the light being all about his life and what went well and not so well, bless him. I hope you have had a reasonable day xx
hi Debra felt low today x im glad you have sorted stiff out like i did i know out sin and daighter and granddaughters would be ok… i jope your faughtet and yourself felt sone comfort when you both had the special dreams x i wish Darrell would come into ny dreams more i keeping thinking well what else has he got to do that look over us. stupid i know but thats where i am at the minute x i had to nip to the shop yoday i had been putting it off for days thought i would do it today as hopefully the rain would of kept moat people in i walked in yo the shop and Elvis Presley was playing on the radio The Wonder of you and i just completely went to pieces and came straight back home… it was a song that both me and Darrell both liked xxhow has your day been ? xxx love jo xx
Hello Pattidot
Never think you are any less a person than anyone else,we are all the same regardless.No one is ever better than anyone else.Just the fact that we are who we are in this world is enough,and we are all here for a purpose,no matter how we feel sometimes about ourselves.Keep doing what you are doing,and keep that light in front of you,as we all need to xx
deb sorry about spelling in last message hadnt got glasses on hope you got it though x
Hi Jo, my day has been mixed. I did not sleep well during the night and then overslept this morning. I am terrible for getting up now George is not here. I was bad enough before but he is not here to push me out of bed. I got to work just on time. I was okay whilst there but always find afternoons and evenings hard. I could stay at work all day but struggle being away from home and feel happier here though I cry more. I am terrible at shopping now, I hate doing any food shopping and have no interest in food anyway. I am a bit better going to the shops than I was in the earlier weeks but it is very functional shopping, I avoid any food I would have shared with George as I get too upset. Music is so hard, I normally end up crying at most songs. George liked Elvis too, it is all so hard. It is nearly 15 weeks for me and it is only now that I have dreamt about George, I think I would have struggled more with it before but find it comforting now. I miss him so much, it even hurts to look at his photo. I have never known pain like this, I just want him back. I hope you have a good night sleep xx
Thanks for your reply Robina,always welcome… It seems to be a common feeling among some of us. We are just not ourselves and our confidence has been shattered and our purpose in life to be with and take care of our partners has been sadly taken away from us. Take care xxx
Hi all. I gave myself six months to get everything sorted out with finances. My solicitor told me to give myself time before I made out a new updated will. We promised each other we would look after each others children by previous marriages, however his daughters have been little more than useless and refused all attempts on my part to make contact. They was no better with my husband and he refused to see them in the end. My son leads a very complex life which I don’t agree with as neither did my husband. My daughter is useless with money and can’t keep a penny in her pocket, always broke although she earns good money and then wanting money off other family members. She was very supportive when Brian died but now she has forgotten I exist. So what a family to leave our money to. My grandson and wife have been amazing so it looks as if they will get the majority along with Battersea dog home or similar!!! Another headache.
I too find shopping a nightmare and kept crying all the time. A bit better now. Not really interested and it’s hard not being able to buy the things we both liked. Just not worth bothering now. I listen to the words of songs to see if I think they are a message of some sort. The day after Brian died I went into a small local shop and the song playing was “I’m talking to an Angel”. I was convinced he was making contact as he promised he would.
morning everyone … sitting here last night with tears rolling down my face as usual and my granddaughter who is 3 years old phoned me to say gangan (my Darrell) is ok hes just sitting in the chair having a cup of tea i said oh ok is he ok she said yes hes smiling i think he heard you nani that was it as soon as i put the phone down i was hysterical i thought he is sitting up there having a drink smiling and im here in bits what the hell is going on … then at 6.18am i heard Darrell ask me the time i looked at the clock and said its early its only 6.18 x head is all over the place this morning chest is really tight and got loads of pain in my neck xx love jo xx
Oh Jo, I know your in a crazy mixed up state at the moment but I do believe that your Darrell is doing his best to make contact with his family. Your granddaughters words brought a tear to my eye, it was really lovely and do draw comfort that this little girl can see Darrell smiling and having a cup of tea is remarkable. You might put it down to her imagination but don’t dismiss what a child is capable of seeing. I know how you feel. I ask Brian to help me when I feel particularly low and wonder where he is, how I wish there was a magic wand to bring about some respite from the pain and mixed up emotions. I truly believe that Darrell is with you. I hope someone else with more experience than me in these matters will reply and explain, to help you to understand that Darrell is there. The immense tension you are going through will give you some pain, try and relax, put on some soothing music, do yoga, breathing exercises, go for a walk or have a bath, anything to help you to take it easy for a while. Thinking of you Jo.
hi pattidot xx really struggling today cant get my head together at all x just feel as though i cant be bothered anymore … i talk to Darrell all the time and kiss his urn just hoping for something sometimes i do feel as though my left side goes cold then i just get in my head im sitting in a draft or something xx chest just feels really tight today x hope you aswel as can be exspected xxx thank you for replying to me xxx take care jo xxx
Hi Jo, bless you. If you were being told that story about someone else and their grandchild, I am absolutely sure you would smile and think it must be so comforting for them. Try to do that for yourself. Your head is all over the place at the moment. I don’t know how long Darrell was ill for (was it about a year?) but MND is at terrible disease and so distressing for both of you to be in that situation for so long. George was only ill for a short period of time and I still feel both physically and mentally exhausted, and it must be so much worse for you because you have had to endure the pain of knowing what the eventual outcome would be for so much longer. It is 15 weeks tomorrow for me, and I still cannot believe he has gone and I have just had a major meltdown because I don’t know how, or if, I can live without him. It is still so raw for you my lovely. I remember my chest really hurting all the time. It still does but it is more intermittent now. You are also very stressed which will account for the pain in your neck as your muscles will be so tight. I feel as if I am falling apart too, it is all so physically challenging, I am just so exhausted all of the time. I am sure both Darrell and George both know the pain we are in and love us all the more because they know how much they mean to us and how much we miss them. Today I was driving home from work in my usual state of tears and I was waiting at the traffic lights when a white feather floated down in front of my car. I know George is talking to me and loving me all of the time, as is your Darrell with you. Take care xx
thank you Debra it was 12 month from positive diagnosis he went down hill very quick in the last 6 months of his life he was completly paralysed Darrell was a very private man and so we didnt have any outside help whatso ever i did everything for him day and night with the help of my son who lives at home and my daughter when she came down so i was up 12am 3am and 6am to move him and massage his legs and arm to keep blood circulating and give him fluids he never had one bedsore his skin was perfect we had an mnd nurse who came every 6 weeks to see if Darrell needed anything she was really nice we just used to sit and talk as Darrell wouldnt have anyone else do anything if he ever went into hospital i stayed with him and did everything for him in the hospital they told me to put darrell in incontenance pants but i said no i sorted Darrell out that way as he could open his bowels himself i had to do for him they told him to take laxatives and i said no because of how destressed he would be they really had no idea… it was hard but i would do it all again in a heart beat to have him back he hated how he was as he was active before so i knew how frustrated he was x just wish so much he was here xxx im sorry you have struggled today when you were coming home im sorry for being so negative today but like you im struggling x take care jo xxx
I like the timescale you set yourself Pattidot. The mention of that has made me realise I am putting too much pressure on myself to get everything sorted out and re organised. Patience has always been a difficult one for me! But, now I have set myself a timescale on the back of reading your comment and that in itself eases the burden. Thank you for sharing your idea xx
I may have set a timescale but like you I am not known for my patience, so I set about getting all his things sorted and have now done it. Brian died in November but his painting/ music/photography/computer stuff all gone, except for the paintings I wanted to keep. His electric bike/scooter/musical instruments also all sold. My will is another thing. I have to make decisions that I am not looking forward to so will take a bit longer with that. I think keeping so busy has helped but it has upset me. I have always thrived on being pressured but thought my advancing years had made this difficult for me. I now realise it was the worry of Brian that caused me to become a bit more negative. I knew for ten years that he had cancer and worried about him continually. His diet/lifestyle etc was all so important. Perhaps I have been a bit manic and I don’t know why. My way of coping I suppose.
Jo, I can so relate to what you are saying. Brian was also intensely private person and only I was allowed to look after him. The last two months of his life he went downhill rapidly and I eventually had to do everything for him, no help from anyone,
no one knew he was dying even… I didn’t mind it was how we wanted it to be, just the two of us, to the end. We had a visitor that came every week to make sure we had everything we needed. And the Hospice provided a suitable bed and equipment, but non were allowed to give him any care he had signed a paper to say this. I was the only one that could make any decisions for him.
So now they are gone and it’s all perfectly normal to miss them, they have left a great big space in our life that can never be mended. We have lost our purpose in life and that was to care for our men, it was our mission. I knew that Brian had cancer for ten years and there was never a moment that I didn’t worry about him although thankfully for most of that time he led a full and healthy life. Now we yearn to feel, hear and touch them again but It’s not going to happen. I’m so sorry to have to say this to you when your suffering so much. I am trying hard to find acceptance as I am only hurting myself if I keep wanting what I can’t have anymore. We all had one thing in common we had a great love that is precious to us. I don’t want that love to destroy me. I ask Brian where he is. Why is he letting me suffer like this but I suspect it is part of the ‘healing’ part of grieving until I can find acceptance. I try to think of my Brian as no longer in pain, happy and content… With a camera in one hand and a paintbrush (continuing his art) in the other. Not the man I watched suffering, so in pain, so confused… I am always thinking of you Jo, I know your pain. .
thank you Pattidot you obviously cared so much for your Brian like i did for my Darrell would do absolutely anything for them both x i thinking about you take care sending love to you jo xxx