Hi Debbie,
I’m intrigued by the marrow in place of a pumpkin. That’s a proper northern thing, growing marrows in allotments and entering competitions to see who’s is the biggest. Mam used to do a stuffed marrow thing and I refused to even try it. Wish I had now. It’s stopped raining here but such a shame for the kids. Nobody knocked. Not that I had anything in.
Your garden is so pretty and very colourful. And I love your fork robin. Looks great in the border, as if it’s just been used and you’re coming straight back to do a bit more after a cuppa. Doug will be very impressed with his gift. Reminds me of all the artwork at the lovely garden centre we used to go to. All sorts of metal animals. Such a fab artist. Your fuschias remind me of mam’s old garden with the hanging baskets, like ballerina tutu’s.
That’s good news about Doug’s bench. Looking forward to the pics. You’ll have a place to go and sit with him. I hope you feel close to him there. I wish I could do something like that for mam but we didn’t have a special place like your park. And because of the situation with the family it would only be me who would go. I can imagine all I would do is sit and cry.
I feel so much more relaxed and in control again now that I have a lot of mam and dads things. Will keep getting pots in batches. It’s such hard work lugging it through the house from the back garden, loading it in the car, driving over to me and then getting it into mine. Luckily I have the back gate at the side of the house. I realised that when I have a new project I’m invigorated and don’t stop until it’s sorted. There’s a great sense of achievement in organising the spaces within the garden. It will be transformed. Will try to take pics tomorrow.
You’re right about my niece being distracted. She didn’t even tell me it was her boyfriend. But he’s a good friend of my nephew so he’s not a bad influence at all like I thought he must be. He’s a nice lad and she’s very wilful! She doesn’t act like I did when I was smitten. Happy for her though. There’s nothing more exhilarating than being young and in love.
Good luck with your jab. I will get the flu jab but didn’t bother with the covid booster. Felt too rough when it was offered. My chemist is lovely and knows how panicky I am so he is super quick at jabbing me. No nonesense, just how I like it. I was reading up on my agoraphobia and the overwhelming feelings of being trapped and having to escape kept coming up. Sums it up. I know it’s illogical but knowing that doesn’t break down the fear. If you were to imagine an end of the world zombie apocalypse and then apply that fear to the everyday (popping to the shop for milk) it describes the determination and courage it takes to open the door, trying to maintain a balance between inside and outside. But with the creep, my home isn’t even a safe place. It’s a very fragile balancing act. I was always so bored going out to work, the repetition of each day. How I envy it now. Weekends and holidays only exist when you work. I remember that feeling of having never been gone getting back after holiday. Your six weeks will fly by. Can’t believe it’s November.
Still amused and laughing at the marrow. Not sure why. Mam grew little gerkins in with her runner beans and peas. I don’t think I ever tasted them. It’s funny how insignificant things then take on such meaning now. Remembering the details are important because that’s who she is now. I can see mam chatting away to me and I’m listening but I can’t make out the conversation. It’s nice just watching us together, like in a film. It’s been a very odd Halloween for me. Very relaxed and dare I say ‘happy’ remembering mam.
I have therapy tomorrow and then a swim and if it’s not raining I’ll see if my niece is home to lug some more bits over.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Suzanne,
Still can’t believe I went to church, having been wanting to since mam left. Seized the chance to go and went. The anticipation is the driving force behind the anxiety so anything spur of the moment is the trick. I always enjoy hearing the church bells on a Sunday morning when I’m in the kitchen. I can now be there. Just don’t want anyone chatting to me! I know that sounds awful but I don’t want to panic, run away and then not be able to return. If I can hide at the back behind a beautifully carved pillar then that’s what I’ll do. Actually looking forward to going on Wed evening for the memorial service. Also, I think it helps that it’s so dark out and I can’t be seen. Like an invisible cloak. I used to be such an outgoing and fun loving person. That’s why it does my head having agoraphobia.
This moving situation has had me in a massive panic but I seem to have some perspective on it now that I’m involved. It felt like that was it and I would never see them again. But because it didn’t happen I’m beginning to think it might never happen. I’ve given up trying to make sense of it. Nothing my sister does is straight forward.
I’m hoping my niece will get back to me and join me in a swim tomorrow but if she doesn’t then that’s ok. I’ll just have to let her make her own choices instead of pushing her in the right direction (the direction I want her to go in). I really don’t think I could be bothered with being in love again. All that energy, being fixated on one person. I would be so exhausted I’d have no energy left for the fun bit!
You are doing well getting a xmas pressie in. I used to start over the summer finding little treasures at car booties as an extra surprise. I used to love finding the perfect gift for everyone. I’d still do the commercial things (books, perfume, jumpers etc) but it was the little things that were loved the most. I’m looking forward to getting mams xmas tree for the garden again. I’ve cleared the space ready and have a big tub. Might go out xmas eve and rescue any abandoned trees. There were lots just left behind last year at the park. I always feel sorry for the ones that weren’t sold. What is wrong with me?!
I’m glad you enjoyed your day, even if it was a bit upsetting. I’m still waiting for the tears to catch me up because I didn’t get upset like I thought I would. I think it’s because Halloween was always overshadowed by Bonfire night. That will be a hard one because I am picturing mam with her chair waiting for the fireworks to start. She’d make pasties for when we arrived to pick her up. Dad didn’t really bother. He did years ago. Still haven’t heard from him.
I was thrilled to get a postcard from Debbie. Made me laugh and think of mam. Popped it in the shrine.
Had Porscha screaming for her chicken at 8.30 this morning. I’m not sleeping again, think it’s the stress of my sister moving (and then not). Hope the rain stays off long enough for me to get some pics of the garden in the morning. It is being transformed again. My excitement has returned.
Lots of love xxx
Just noticed I am a very frequent poster. Such a gobby girl!
You keep posting Christine, we love hearing from you. X X
Hi Neil,
Thinking of you today. I know it will be hard but you should be very proud of yourself for doing this. Your mam and dad will be chuffed being included in such a beautiful setting. I hope you feel close to them. I feel close to mam hearing the church bells and the choir singing. We always watched Songs of Praise on a Sunday. If I close my eyes I’m transported to a landscape of joy and sorrow, being uplifted with the ebb and flow of the rhythm. It was lovely seeing the little ones in the choir wearing their robes.
Looking forward to hearing about your day. Will you visit anywhere else while you’re in London? Take a brolly!
Lots of love xxx
Hi all,
Just posted loads of pics updates and thought I was here but wasn’t so here’s the link
I thought Sassy had joined our group and I was here. Sometimes I just don’t know what’s going on! Just about to leave for therapy and OMG ! the hailstones, thunder and gale force winds. So pleased I got in the garden this morning and took my pics. Will post more when I get back.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine:)
Really hope you make it your church tonight and I get totally the fact that you don’t want anyone to talk to you…I am the same but purely cause I’m an anti social twat who doesn’t like people that much 
x
Your sister just seems to want to be the centre of everyone’s attention and apologies if that’s not the case but everytime you seem to be even a bit more settled she wants to move or something that disrupts you again. For a lady who hasn’t spoken to you for months she doesn’t know how lucky she is to have a sister who still cares about her so much and I would tell her that too lol x
Did your niece go swimming with you? Or haven’t you been yet? x
I’m meant to be on holiday this week but have had to work partially three and maybe four days of it cause the boss is now in hospital and there aren’t enough managers/keyholders 
x
It’s colder tonight but I am determined not to put the heating on so got the cat sleeping on me so at least my lap is toasty. What is the weather like down by you?
Also woke up this morning and the whole village has no water and it still isn’t fixed and I need desperately to wash my hair cause it looks like a greasy mess!
Going to go make my tea so will wish you luck for tonight and look forward to hearing about it if you decide to go.
Take care 
x
@NEILB72…just checking in to see how yesterday went and how you are today? x
Always here if you want to talk but I know your friend will phone tonight which will help you.
Anyway look forward to hearing from you 
x
Hi Christine and Neil.
Did you both go to the All Soul’s Day service. Thinking of you as it’s absolutely pouring down with rain here and it would be very easy to stay at home.
Sending love
Debbie
Hi Suzanne,
Lovely to hear from you but can’t believe you’ve had to go in during your week off. What would they do without you? You could always bank your good deeds and have long weekends off instead of another week. The animals will appreciate you!
I didn’t get to church tonight but had every intention on doing so. I started taking away the decking boards near the house and had to secure / rebuild the pillars on which the legs of the pergola stand and simply ran out of time. Looks fab though and I just have the step area to do and have my eye on a massive paving stone at my sisters if I can get it in the car. I had to get my lamp out and didn’t finish until 6pm. Didn’t know I was doing as much work as I did but really pleased with how it’s turned out. Here’s some pics.
Wood is really rotten underneath but the crates on which it all sits is still strong, making it a major job of sawing and chipping away to remove.
Pillars sit on bricks and had to be recreated to the correct height.
Have since added flat slabs and they will make great plant platforms.
The sense of achievement is always strong when I’m doing hard physical work in the garden. Such a tomboy!
It’s lashing down again now but not as cold as last night. I’m having to put the heating on for a couple of hours just to get the clothes dry every night. You are lucky that your cat still sits on your knee. Porsch refuses to get out of her bed by the radiator, except to go get chicken. She likes being hand fed now. Such a princess!
I’m back on track again with swimming. Been a few times but my niece hasn’t bothered and seems to be avoiding me. I’ve given up trying with her now. I can only be mugged off so many times. But I have pinned her down to getting some more bits from the garden tomorrow. Still need to do lots of trips, mostly for plants. Be great lined up along the bit I’ve just cleared, with large planters at intervals.
You are totally right about my sister wanting to be the centre of drama (that she creates and then sits back and watches the chaos unfold). Now I’m getting the bits from the garden I’ve accepted they will move away and I will continue as I am. When I saw her she didn’t say why she had not spoken to me since Feb. and I was so gobsmacked at the state of the garden and upset for mam and dads things that I didn’t bring it up. She watched me struggle with the heavy rocks etc and didn’t lift a finger to help. I think there’s such a distance now between us that I have stopped trying with her. I have to accept I don’t understand her and being around her is extremely stressful and I just don’t need it. When I’ve finished getting bits over and sorted my garden I’ll probably not see her again. I’ve always supported her and the kids (I’m 10 years older) and she doesn’t appreciate it at all. Rather resents me I think. So I have to learn to let go and stop being so affected by her drama’s.
OMG! Are you able to flush the loo? You need to get some of that dry hair shampoo. Mam used it when she couldn’t get her hair done because she couldn’t do it herself. Worth having it in. I have hair down to my bum so when it needs a wash I get a really itchy head. That would really set my ocd off. Hope it’s sorted soon. Didn’t realise you were in a village.
Did you ever get your weeds sorted or your fence painted? I’m very aware of the small window I have in getting my trellises up. When winter hits I’ll not get much done out there.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Debbie,
Happy ‘All Saints Day’. I was just saying to Suzanne, I couldn’t leave my job in the garden without securing the pillar so didn’t get to the service at 7 because I didn’t come in until 6 (and I was filthy!) Very pleased with what I got done as it was a huge job. It’s lashing down here too but that wouldn’t have stopped me going. Just ran out iof time. But I know my auntie (mam’s siter) would have added mams name to their church service so I know she won’t be left out.
Hope you saw the link to my updated garden. I have some flowers to, just to make you smile!
Going over to get more pots tomorrow and mam and dads bench from the old garden. I’d forgotten about it. Will pop it by the big pond so I can enjoy mams fairy dell when it’s done.
Lots of love xxx
Hi everyone
Had a very good afternoon in London and dir everything I wanted . Will post all the pics tomorrow as I wont have time this evening.
Hope everyone is well
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Morning to everyone
Had a great afternoon , obviously tinged with some sadness but did everything I wanted. Started off with an exhibition at the Barbican, then Postmans Park, lovely visit to the Museum of London and the highlight being the All Souls Day Requiem Eucharist at St Paul’s Cathedral. I had Mum and Dads names placed at the altar for the service, had a few nerves but came forward and lit a candle for them both and was seated right under the dome where I wanted to be. Hundreds of people there. Really was an amazing experience in an iconic setting, although obviously I wish I didn’t need to do it 
Posted a few pics for you all
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Neil,
So pleased you had a good day and that you ‘enjoyed’ the service (if that’s the right phrase to use?) Your mam and dad will be honoured to have been included in the service. You did so well. That took a huge amount of courage. You should be proud of yourself. You must be exhausted today. I know when I’m faced with a challenge I’m always wiped out afterwards.
I didn’t get to my church because I’d been busy in the garden and couldn’t leave it so ran out of time. But I’ll go again. It wasn’t mams church and she didn’t live here so it was a choice to go rather than needing to. I will go again. Mam’s sister would have included mam in her service as they regularly go to church. So I know she has been ‘named’. It’s strange not knowing what it all means and mam not being here to ask.
Lovely pics. It was sad reading about Sarah Smith in her inflammable dress. But I’m glad she was acknowledged for her bravery.
It’s never stopped raining here and I’ve arranged to get more plants from my sisters garden. It took a lot to get my niece to say she’d be there. Not looking forward to lugging pots in the rain and mam and dads bench. Might get a cheeky swim in first and see if she wants to join. I have high cholesterol so need to exercise and swimming is a great all rounder, even if it is quite chilly getting in. I do half an hour of none stop swimming so it’s a good workout without exhausting me so I can’t do anything else.
You’ll see from the pics I got a huge job done yesterday. Very pleased with it. Was easier than I thought and quicker.
What do you have planned today? I love watching the garden in the rain. It takes on a new colour and light. I stand doing my dishes with the door open, mulling over what I have done and the jobs still to tackle. It helps me plan my day and encourage me to keep going. Whatever you do today enjoy your achievement of yesterday. It was huge!
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine
Sorry that you didnt make it to church but that’s OK. Churches are there for us all year round , just do what you feel is right. Must admit I was a little nervous yesterday but looking up into St Paul’s dome I could feel Mum and Dad there and it’s a safe, comforting place and just had to light those candles. Not allowed to take pics inside for a service only for a tour.
Bit knackered today and didnt actually sleep all that well last night. Probably all the emotions of yesterday. Still raining although the wind has died down thankfully. I got there really early yesterday so had a little walk across the Millennium Bridge and back to use up some time. Museum was great and even though its closing soon and moving they still have their docklands museum open so will definitely go there at some point.
Sorry to hear you have high cholesterol. Mum had that for years and was finally brought under control and was then normal for a long time thanks to her medication.
Having a quiet day today, my friend phoning today instead of yesterday as I got back quite late so will chat to him later.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Neil,
Glad you enjoyed yesterday. It must have felt very overwhelming being in such a beautiful setting. I was thinking about you as I was chiseling away at the decking boards. It’s not surprising that you feel knackered today with all the energy dealing with all the emotional turmoil. I’m glad you have your chat tonight with your friend. He’s such a good and loyal mate. My niece has dropped me like a hot stone. Every time I try to arrange getting things from the garden there’s an excuse as to why I can’t go. This morning it’s that her boyfriends dad has covid. I’ve said that’s fine because I just need her to open the door and I’ll be wearing a mask. Don’t know why she’s avoiding me like this. She’s angry and defiant and I’m not putting up with it. I’ll get the stuff and never see her again if that’s what she wants. But I’m not going to be messed around. I’ve always been very kind and generous to her. Her very expensive bike has been left to rust in the garden. It was her birthday pressie last summer. Can’t believe she has so little regard for things. Very hurtful.
Have a swim now so must dash. Just hope she opens the door to me so I can get bits on the way back. Will catch up later.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Neil,
Got my bits and had a chat with my niece. She’s still not willing to accept that she kept cancelling swimming but we seem to have made up and will go swimming when she has time. Going over again tomorrow and will do a couple of trips to bring potted plants back over. I’m so very tired. My hands are sore and cut with all the work I’ve been doing. Will be nice just to rest and not do anything.
I meant to ask about your mams meds for her high cholesterol. My sister takes statins and I was offered it but its not high enough to need anything yet. Don’t want to if I don’t need to. Seems it runs in the family. I’m healthy and quite fit with all the swimming so doesn’t make sense. Will set up the wii so I can start jogging again and do something every day. Will also start getting out on the bike.
Just enjoying some Judge Judy. Just having a quiet night. Hope there’s something good on later.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine
I’m so behind with everyone’s chitchat that I’m going to have to start anew I think. Clean sheet.
I do remember though Christine you talking about your head-the-ball neighbours. Every area has a few it seems. If you are lucky they let you keep yourself to yourself. I’m so envious you’ve got flowering shrubs at this time of the year. I may have said that before (because I think my memory isn’t right) but I’ve just seen your most recent photos and they are lovely. I admire the determination and your motivation. You don’t let the rubbish days linger for long.
It’s good you’ve found a new pathway with your Niece. It may lead to more regular contact. It would be good if things settled with your Sister too. For all of you. I’d be a nervous wreck, I don’t know how you keep grounded as you do with all the indecision. I’ve heard that there are some that keep others in the dark to disadvantage them but with your sister I don’t think she does that, she just sounds like she doesn’t know what she wants really and the chaos might even be a “security blanket”. Hope you aren’t offended as I don’t mean to speak negatively, just a bit of a thought.
I can imagine your hands have got a bit battered. Autumn garden work can be quite unforgiving can’t it. At least it’s not lingering on if you have done most of it. You’d definitely not be wanting to be doing anything once it gets December! Weather is so unpredictable though isn’t it. Yesterday it was like the tropics in the back garden yet the day before it was like some wild monsoon overhead.
Sorry I’ve nothing exciting to talk about. Been feeling very down and hopeless recently but don’t feel like seeing a doctor or engaging with counsellors. He/she would probably just say he’s got a waiting room full of depressed people which would be true I guess.
At least I don’t need to stress about Xmas because it was always just another day really. Obviously as a Christian always respectful of the religious aspect but we didn’t have a big family so their isn’t anything to miss from a social point of view. Plus of course this December will be very different anyway. I can’t believe so much time has passed. How have we managed to get to this point in the year is a mystery.
Well I’ll leave you in peace hope you’ve something nice to do tomorrow. Hopefully I’ll have a productive day too.
Much love xxx
Hi Neil
Was just saying to Christine that I seem to lost the thread a bit with everyone and am a bit behind. I hope after the special day that you are ok. It was a lovely gesture to have your Mum and Dad included in the service. It sounded a really moving experience.
As always you’ve got some fascinating photos. It’s always a pleasure to see them. You certainly get around.
How are you getting on with the job search?
Tina xx
Hi Tina
Was quite a moving day and thought of Mum and Dad all throughout the service. Managed to catch St Paul’s just right with the photo when I came out all lit up against the night sky.
Job search is going slowly , probably because I am picky with what I am looking for. Paid my energy bills and worked out what I will be spending up to the New Year. That’s when I will really go all out for a job due to the finances but anything comes up before that I really want to do then I will go for that too. It’s the grief that gets into your mind and the up and down days. Need to get past Mums anniversary and Xmas and hopefully will be able to get my mind straighter.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x