Have a safe journey back. Sun getting out later. Lovely pics xxx
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Great pics Debbie x
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Thank you Neil, I hope you are doing okay X X
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Hi everyone 
Have caught up with everyone and seems to have been a bit of a mixed week for some of us.
I was at Edinburgh zoo yesterday for a long service meal with the work. Food wasnāt very revolutionary but was tasty so canāt really complain then we got to have a free wander round the zoo. I donāt really like zoos but meeting old friends that I havenāt seen for ages was fun and had a good laugh.
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Had a Halloween outing tonight with a few friends where we went to watch a horror movie in an old Church and there were characters that kept jumping out at you during the filmā¦so busy watching out for people jumping out on you I donāt think any of us were really watching the movie 
x
Wishing you all a good couple of days and hugs to everyone 
xx
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Hi Suzanne
Absolutely love the pics that you, Debbie and Christine have posted this week. Been very difficult this week so seeing these uplifting pics has made me feel better. The Halloween pics at the church are so good and Iām so glad you were out and managed to be able to enjoy yourself and it does make a difference doesnāt it and it is possible,even just for a few hours or a day, to do 'normal ā things that we enjoy and your Mum would certainly want that.
Iām planning a trip to London on Wed- a museum that I want to visit before it closes and moves to another site , might take in something else too and at 5pm I have added Mum and Dads names to the list of lost loved ones to be remembered at a special All Souls Day Eucharist at St Paulās Cathedral which I am very much hoping to attend in person. Their names will be placed at the altar with lots of others and remembered at the service. Just something I need to do, especially at this difficult time of the year.
Anyway, once again love the pics.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Suzanne,
Great pics of the zoo. You can guess my fave - the tortoises getting frisky! Is that his āfaceā ! Looks fierce. And canāt imagine eating at the same time. Hilarious. And Iām pleased you met up with some old mates and had a laugh.
Your Halloween event looks really good. Great masks. Looks like something out of a horror film. My kinda thing but Iām sure the anxiety would be heading towards panic the whole time with my imagination in overdrive. There was a film where the people were tortured for real but the others thought it was all part of the act, until it was their turn. Wish I could remember the names of films.
You will have read how shocked I was when I went to grab some things from my sisters garden (mam and dadās rocks, potted plants etc). The garden is a dumping ground for all sorts of stuff and resembles Steptoeās garden. Iām not joking. My niece is really not coping and Iām not surprised judging by the state of the place. I canāt understand how my sister can just walk away and think thatās ok. The offer to move has fallen through so I donāt know what is happening now. The situation is just ridiculous. Iāll continue to ferry garden pots over and hopefully will encourage the cleaning up process, though I donāt know how sheāll get rid of stuff (including a massive armchair). A skip wonāt be big enough, thatās how bad it is. Iām still shocked. Itās like the hoardersā programme where they have to clear out stuff or leave. Unbelievable. The children are clearly traumatised. Iām going to encourage my niece to start going out on the bikes and swimming because sheās not leaving the house and just sleeping all day. My sister isnāt doing anything to help her from the looks of it.
It was nice spending time in the garden with my little nephew. Iāll try again today to see if he wants to come over and set up the fairy dell at mine until he moves or the garden is cleared if they go back there. And I have a pumpkin for him.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Neil,
Glad you liked the pics. I know I have very bleak periods but when I do get out in the garden itās nice to share and feels like Iām giving something back to you all for helping me through. It also encourages me to do more and I think of you all as Iām going round.
Even on your bad weeks you are strong and Iām always inspired by your determination to keep getting out on your visits, knowing they will uplift you and keep you going. Iām hoping to start the swimming again and encourage my niece to join me. I didnāt know she was very depressed and thought she was out and about a lot of the time because of cancelling swimming in the summer. Sheās not going out at all now and Iām really worried about her. I hope sheāll start going out on the bikes again. Thereās some lovely parks round here. If I get her out each day she might find some direction again. She really shouldnāt have deferred uni and wouldnāt be dealing with my sisters mess.
That is a wonderful thing to do, adding your mam and dad to the remembrance at St Paulsā. Can anyone do it and is it online? I might see about adding mam. She would like that. Anything I can do for her I will. Brings on the tears just thinking of her because it hits me that sheās not here. Less than 4 weeks now (25 Nov). I donāt understand how Iāve managed to get through a year without her. She would be shocked at the state of my sisters garden and very upset. I was trying to be mam when I was chatting to my little nephew. Iām sure the rest of the family have no idea about the state of the place or the situation.
Hoping to set up mams fairy dell around the big pond if my nephew will come over. Itās a nice thing for him to do and I have a pumpkin for him to carve. If he knows mamās fairies are safe and he can visit util heās settled again it might ease his trauma. I had no idea of that situation. Hope the creep goes out but if he doesnāt I canāt really have anyone over.
I barely slept last night and had to take a sleeping tablet for the first time in ages. Enjoyed the heavy downpour during the night. All the pots Iāll be lugging over will be soaked so will have to drain them first.
Keep looking forward to your trips Neil. Like you said, whatever we can do to keep going is what we must do.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Neil,
Thank you for your kind words and yes it is nice to feel ānormalā again even if it is only for a few hours.
Iām sorry to hear youāve had a bit of a crappy few days but very happy to hear to you have plans for this week especially with it being a Wednesday. I so hope you manage to get to St Paulās as that would be so positively emotional to remember your mum and dad. Iāve never heard of this before and wonder if there is anything like that up hereā¦I will investigate.
What museum is it youāre going to on Wed? x. Are you having a few chill days until then or so you have anything planned for any of the other days?
Iām on hols this week so meeting up with a friend on Monday and having lunch with mums best friend on Thursday but other than that nothing planned.
Have a nice weekend whatever you chose to do and will catch up soon x
Take care 
x
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Hi Suzanne,
You deserve some time off after working so hard. Nice to have things planned but also to take it easy and just do nothing. Itāll whizz by and youāll be back to work before you know it, wondering where the time has gone.
Iāve spent all day trying to sort out broadband connections dropping out, faffing with cameras, trying to set up mail on my iphone, going round in circles and getting nothing done. I hate technology when it doesnāt work. Iām so tired because I didnāt sleep and canāt go into the garden because the creep is at home. I was deleting files and came across info Iād forgotten about. I had contacted my MP about what the creep did and because I had no proof and he denied it the council were unable to do anything and the MP was just acting as a go between. I wonder what councils did before camera evidence. Not a lot. And the Ombudsman didnāt find any failings with the surgery after I complained and it wasnāt dealt with. I wonāt complain in future because it really isnāt worth my time. Itās been such a tough slog this year (not including mam). My sisterās move fell through so I donāt know what is happening now. But Iāll try getting my niece swimming and out on the bikes again. She needs to get out the house and enjoy the things she did before. Gives me a bit of a boost knowing she needs my help. I thought she was too busy to see me and itās not the case.
Thought of other horror films where they wear masks and terrorise people, not just on Halloween. Masks are so freaky. You doing anything on the actual day? All the lovely things will be starting that I used to do with the family, bonfire and fireworks displays, trick or treating, iceskating, checking out the fabulous xmas displays and being shocked at the hoards of peeps buying really expensive baubles. Looking forward to getting the xmas tree for mam for the garden like last year, a tribute to her because I canāt do anything else and am dreading the entire xmas period. I used to love getting lost between xmas and the New Year where the days blended into each other. I seem to always be living in a blended blur. Have you got xmas off?
Not heard from my sister or niece since seeing them yester doing the garden runs. Have lots to tidy in the garden but the creep will be watching and I donāt have the energy to even try.
Going for a little nap. Enjoy your week!
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Suzanne
Hope you have a nice, peaceful week off. I should have mentioned the museum which is the Museum of London. It closes in just over a month before moving to a larger site in Smithfield nearby. They still have their docklands museum to visit in the meantime. So an afternoon in the āoldā part of London with all that Roman history . Will have a walk round and try and do a couple of other things too.
Tomorrow West Ham away to Man Utd but nothing else planned until Wed. Oh and feeding my neighbourās cat for a couple of days early next week!
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Christine
Sorry I took so long to reply but was going to reply straight after I replied to Neil but had an influx of visitors come in to the Loch lol x
Yeah Iām meeting a friend on Monday but at night itās a very special night for me being Samhain (Halloween) and this year will be very poignant and hard as itās the first one without mum x itās our night for honouring the past year and the people we have lost so will make it extra special this year.
Itās all a bit of a mess with your niece and sisterās move falling through isnāt it? Your niece does sound like sheās depressed so hoping sheāll get some help and support it would appear she needs.
Such a shame their garden is a tip and disrespected your mumās memory x is it a possibility that they gave up tending to it cause they thought they were moving 
? x I hope your niece does manage to start swimming again even if itās just to get out the house for an hour or so.
Sad to read that Creep is still hanging aboutā¦really wish that guy would just bugger off but hopefully youāll get your cameras working so youāll get the proof your damn council and MP needā¦like you said how did they manage to do anything before all this technology? They have become so reliant on it now it would appear they have forgotten how to their job without it.
Having lunch during the week with one of mumās best friends and havenāt seen her for a few months so itāll be nice to catch up with her.
The rain up here today was horrendous so not sure what itās like down with you but hoping you can get into the garden.
The bottom photo is one I took of the Loch today and the other is Cal and Apollo having snoozy time lol x
Take care and hopefully youāll get swimming or cycling soon with your niece and maybe spend more time with your nephew 
xx
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Hi Suzanne,
Lovely to hear from you. Sounds like Halloween means more than just tricks, treats and lanterns. Mam always had the garden table covered in a collection of little gourds which the children took home after visiting. Weād have sparklers in the garden. It was really about the children but we did have a big party and dressing up one year at mine which was fun. It was warm and we had a barby to celebrate. It will be hard for you because youāll be doing stuff to celebrate and youāll feel your mams absence more. I wonāt be doing anything. I wanted to give my pumpkin to my little nephew but my sister left and I donāt know when Iāll see him again. The thought of carving out a face on my own in the garden is too sad to even attempt. Was going to make some pumpkin soup like mam did. Sheās not here to ask how to do it. Enjoy your night, even if it is with a heavy heart. Your mam will be glad youāre marking the occasion. I could ask my niece if she wants to come over tomorrow to do the pumpkin. She has a boyfriend so Iām not sure if Iām being too needy or pushy. Havenāt seen her in ages.
Iām still appalled and shocked at the state of the garden and the situation with my sister and her absence. I was so upset when I got home I phoned my therapist. Itās not surprising sheās depressed. I hope she still goes to uni next year. Iāll be here to support her by doing what we used to do. Itās only because I donāt have the fight in me to keep being knocked back that I gave up trying. But I now know she needs support and stability and I can provide that. I still have lots of plants and other stuff to bring over. Sure sheāll help me if itās small trips. Weāll have to do it between showers. Loved the heavy downpour during the night here when I couldnāt sleep. Ended up taking half a tablet at 5.30 am just to get a couple of hours.
Now I have my cameras up and one is blatantly pointing to the spot where I caught him watching my windows and ducking down behind the hedge (this is a grown man in his 50ās!) the creep has been very quiet. Iāve had to turn the notifications off as it was driving me mad. But Iāll check that one to see what heās up to. I just donāt get that thing of enjoying watching people. I have better things to do. Itās only if I need evidence. The compost bins are in full view too after the lid was nicked and another taken off and placed on the lawn. These are adults playing games and waiting to see the response. I just donāt get it.
It will be lovely having lunch with your mamās friend. Youāll be remembering all sorts of stories. I wish I had that, to chat about mam with someone who loved her and wants to talk about her. Dad didnāt want me to mention her at all. How sad is that? And because Iām so isolated that emptiness just keep growing. My sisters donāt seem to realise how close I was to mam and spoke to her every day, throughout the day. The phone never rings now and if it does it makes me jump.
Your pic of Cal and Apollo made me laugh. Theyāre so close to each other and Iām surprised the cat likes being in the hay. Iām quite miffed that Porsch hasnāt even tried her new furry cave. Runs away every time I show it to her. But she is enjoying a new bed in the hallway by the radiator - a furry gilet in front of the radiator. Sheās so in the way when Iām on my way to the bathroom.
Lovely pic of the loch. Would make a fab camp if the world was ending! You could fish and hunt and be secluded enough to not be bothered too much. I love apocalyptic films. The Road is really good.
Nothing on tv worth watching so Iām nestled in bed and hope to find something to watch. The Good Nurse was very good if you want a film.
Hope to get in the garden or see my niece tomorrow but if the creep is at home I probably wonāt leave the house.
Enjoy your Halloween!
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Christine
Just a quick visit to see how are you are. Iād planned to go to bed earlier but Zoe is playing silly beggars and wonāt wee so Iāve been stood in the back garden at 1.30am and still nothing!
Iām upset for you over the garden situation at your Sisterās. I know how that feels and the tears Iāve shed over what my Brother has done to Mumās garden so I can empathise. Do you remember Onslowās garden in the BBC1 sitcom āKeeping up Appearancesā, well think of that combined with Steptoeās back yard and you are on the right track with how things are here. There are some that just donāt understand how distressing it is, my Sister thinks I overreact.
I love your fabulous photos and Iām very impressed that considering the time of year that you have so many plants still flowering. Youāve done really well. Itās sheer hard work and management on your part. You have achieved loads with it. Iām intrigued when you mention the rocks that sparkle in the Sun from your Sisterās. Are they in your photos? Iād love to see them.
I understand what you mean about finding things on your computer that youād forgotten about. It can be a bit like mystery tour of forgotten items once you start canāt it. Technology is great when it works but when it fails itās utterly infuriating.
Itās a good outcome now that you know your Sister isnāt moving away. Although there still sounds like there are many problems to sort out you know you wonāt be alone. I was pretty certain sheād not be going but all this uncertainty would completely shatter my peace of mind so can only imagine how you are coping. It must be difficult for the children as like Suzanne mentions, it sounds like your niece has depression. Hope sheās able to get some help. If you get to be in their life more often it will be a bit of welcome stability for them.
Was just thinking of your description of the time between Xmas and New Year and how itās āblendedā now. And thatās exactly how I describe how I feel at the moment, its like a no-mans land or void. I canāt believe itās almost been a year since our losses and us all coming together on the forum.
Iāll have to see if I can get a nit of sleep as itās almost 2.30am. no wonder I donāt know what Iām doing these days, my brain doesnāt get much repair time.
Speak again and much love. xx
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Greetings also to Neil
Just saying to Christine that I donāt know how weāve survived the past year. I agree with her in her admiration of you getting out to your events. I can imagine that as well as being enjoyable that it has also been helpful for you.
Sorry thereās been times when youāve been not so good recently. They get to us donāt they. Today I had to go out and saw in the distance the same carers again that came to Mum and it completely knocks you back doesnāt it when faced with something out of the blue.
There should be a lot of activity in the theatres coming up I imagine. Does it then go a bit quieter after the panto season?
Sadly Neil, I donāt think Iāve a cultured bone in my body!
Love and best wishes xx
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Beki, Debbie, Suzanne.
Wonderful pictures. Love seeing everyoneās photos. Very interesting to read Debbie about more of your holiday. Sounded really nice.
Love to all. xx
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Hi Tina,
Itās wonderful to see you here again. Iāve missed you, as I always do when you donāt post. Can you believe Iāve just got back from church? Went on the spur of the moment Didnāt even know it was All Saints Day. Went for mam. And they have a memorial service on Tues here so will attend that for mam. Cried, of course, but was also mesmerised by the wonderful knee cushions (such tiny stitches - will take my specs next time) and the architecture and beautiful windows. Not the same as going for the carol services when the children were little. And hardly any peeps. And I felt quite trapped at times but it seemed to undulate. There for quite a while. I did amuse myself thinking I could see a red tellytubby peeping at me on a cushion but it wasnāt. And Iām not sure if you saw Suzanneās pics of her Halloween church service but I kept imagining the creepy pig man watching me. And also an end of the world scenario where Iād be trapped inside the church with peeps I donāt know. Think Iāve filled my head with so much tv that I canāt find a quiet place in which to just sit. But I did think of mam and it was a very emotional service with lots of choir and prayer. Reminded me of being little at Sunday school. Wish I had kept going and not been so eager to get out in the world, wanting fun and excitement. I wish mam had someone to support her in the things that were precious to her. She stopped doing everything she loved. I wish Iād been supportive and taken her. But I always thought it was dadās role as her partner in life to do things with her. But he didnāt. Itās only because sheās gone now that Iām even thinking of all this stuff. Itās the old āwhat I coulda, woulda, shouldaā scenario. Iām so tired now. I also had a swim earlier and really felt it because I hadnāt been for a while.
Your description of Steptoe and Onslows gardens sums it up. I cried when I saw it. Things were always taken good care of by mam and dad, repairs made instead of just buying new. I think we are sensitive and caring souls who understand how precious things are. My sister likes to lay the blame everywhere and takes no responsibility. Iām not even sure she sees what is infront of her. I was gobsmacked.
Thank you for saying that about my garden. Iāve only been out there 3 times since getting covid and was surprised there was anything growing at all. Iāll try to get some pics of the rocks. They have glints of gold that sparkle but Iāll have to catch the sunshine.
Thereās still lots of pots and plants to bring over. Whatever I can rescue. And it will be a nice surprise in Spring to see what comes up. Might still get some winter pansies to liven up the bare soil. Worth a try.
I got my cameras set up after so many weeks of faffing on and having to buy a refurb phone because the one I had was so old (emergencies only when Iām out). So Iāll be intrigued to see what my skank neighbour was up to parked in my disabled bay when I arrived back home. They moved but only because I wouldnāt move and needed to park. Iāve reported them. Itās the anti social woman who was on a behaviour order because she was terrorising the neighbours (tried to). I just despair of what I am living beside. They must think they canāt be seen in the dark.
My sister will still be moving but it could be any time. The anxiety of not knowing what is going on is keeping me awake. It was 5.30 one morning when I gave in to taking a sleeping tablet and then felt groggy the rest of the day. Iāve tried booking swimming with my niece but nothing yet. She has a new boyfriend and seems to do nothing else but be with him. Not exactly healthy. So whatever I can do to coax her into getting out the house (including seeing my loft) will be my goal. But she doesnāt answer my calls or texts and then will reply hours later that she didnāt see it or was busy etc. Our relationship has really gone down hill since she kept cancelling swimming in the summer and I stopped trying.
I would truly be lost without you all on here. I believe we meet people in life at the right time when we need someone, whatever that may be. Caring for each other helps keep us going. Thatās why I share my garden. Knowing it will brighten your day encourages me to really look at it. I was so upset to have missed the last Gardners World. And now the clocks have changed we have short days, and even shorter for me when I have to factor in the creep and his work timetable. And with so much rain I wonder if Iāll ever get the trellises up.
Bought a pumpkin in with my shop last week. Still havenāt carved out a face. I had taken it to drop off with my niece to give to my little nephew but she wasnāt there. So I might just keep it and do it in mamās memory. Itās not a little gourd (she loved them and I donāt know why) but it will do and Iāll take a pic. Iāll try to make soup with the innards. I was always the one standing in the cold doing the pumpkins with the children. Itās those traditions that I wonāt take part in on my own.
Will have to dash now as Iāll be settling down to The Hand Maids Tale at 9. Still wondering though if my neighbour was checking out my house, seeing if the cameras were recording, with the intention of breaking in. Very unsettling.
Kisses to the cheeky Zoe. Still up to her old tricks I see of not weeing!
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Neil,
Just wanted to let you know I went to church. On my own! You inspired me! Spur of the moment opportunity for evening carols and prayer at the local church. Not many in at all. But I was thinking of you while I was there. Was upset but not as emotional as I thought I would be. I think Iāll have to go a few times before I can really settle into the quiet and calm space. My head was buzzing with all sorts. I have a very active imagination and Iām really not a calm person at all. Kept thinking of Suzanneās Halloween masked figures!
Mush dash for The Hand Maids Tale. Just waiting for her to get back there so the drama can get going again. Bit tame last week.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Christine
Lovely to hear you have been to church. I am certainly not a religious person but whenever I have attended a service it has really helped me.
Tuesday I shall be attending an All Soulsā Day Requiem Eucharist at St Paulās Cathedral. Mum and Dadās names will be placed at the altar . If they havent been listed on Insta/Twitter you can do it in person. So 5pm I will be there and making a full afternoon of it as I will be in the City of London anyway.
Thank you for thinking of me and glad I inspired you in any way to attend the service.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Neil,
I canāt quite believe I went and then to stay to the end was amazing and without a full blown panic attack. I think though it was because there was hardly anyone there so I had lots of space around me. I amaze myself sometimes.
They have a service on Tues evening so I will add mams name and go if I can. Thank you so much for letting me know about it. I wouldnāt have known otherwise. It will be a very special and moving service. Your mam and dad will be so proud of you and all you have accomplished this year. Itās good timing too, given that itās around the same time for us all. Iām sure thereāll be plenty of tears all round but a great sense of achievement too.
Watched The Hand Maids Tale. The tension is rising. Just want her to get back there and cause mayhem.
Canāt quite believe Iām still awake after getting up at 5.30. Just canāt sleep at the mo, not for more than a couple of hours. Running on fumes. I went for a cheeky swim and did my usual half hour but it was hard after not going for two weeks. Will go again Tues so I get a routine going again.
Catch up tomorrow.
Lots of love xxx
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