Hello All
Sorry to hear that Neil. I know what you mean though. You would have had a further bond with what happened to you both. Hope the replacement neighbours are good ones.
Just saying hello Christine. Hope you and little Porcha are managing.
Sweet peas are so lovely when they do well aren’t they Debbie. I don’t seem to be able to grow them successfully.
Love and best wishes to everyone. xx
Granddad brought me some sweet peas from his garden
Smell divine though make me cry. When Gran had her stroke she was in a coma for 6 days on the Liverpool pathway before she slipped away. I went straight up and stayed at her bed in the hospital for 6 days and nights. Granddad came in one day with some sweet peas and put them on her pillow next to her “they’re from home Joan”. Jesus just thinking of that moment 
Love is grief and grief is love.
Stay cool everyone
Beki x
Bless you Beki xx
Hello everyone,
Sorry I haven’t been posting. Not doing great. Got over my stomach bug or whatever it was so started swimming again but it really is just going through the motions. I look at everyone and wonder when they will die. So many people who are obviously on their own. I hope I have cancer so I can be with mam. Going for tests next week. Just to check and rule things out. But if I have cancer again I can be with her sooner. I hate being on my own. I find getting up every day so exhausting, repeating the same stuff - watering the garden and swimming. I’m so exhausted. I just want it all to stop and go back to normal. Reading all your posts just makes me cry because the pain you all feel is so intense. I really can’t do this for a lifetime. It’s too hard. I don’t want to keep trying. I finished the second small table today and it means nothing, even after all the hard work in that heat. I’m so tired of missing mam and feeling this heartbroken. I want it to stop. And when it does I feel totally empty. Beki, your Grandad’s sweet peas on the pillow set me off in floods of tears. I just can’t stop the sadness. It’s too intense. I really hope I can join mam soon. Sorry I missed your Dad’s birthday Neil. I do think of you all when I’m not able to post. It’s not that I don’t care. I just can’t pretend that I’m ok and the effort to begin to explain how I’m feeling is too much.
I have done some stuff in the garden - cut back the overhang to the large pond and redid the liner, digging out some mud to create more depth and a mud bank to plant up, new arches to the top pond, green beans and tomatos didn’t come to anything, some roses seem to have died and others have blossomed, sweet peas not really growing but nasturtians wonderful (my favourite). Even this makes me cry because I’m remembering mams old garden and everything in it. My garden doesn’t mean anything to me. All the work just means it looks pretty. I want my mam to come back.
I’ve ordered fencing for the hedge to stop the creep from watching me. Seems he stole my delivery parcel when I was out. Just a quilt to make cushions for the sofa. I went swimming so was out for 2 hours. In that time he had trimmed the front hedge and was the obvious person to have taken it. I’ve told Amazon and I’m getting a replacement. Tried setting up my cameras but so hard to reset I’ve given up trying. Everything is too hard at the mo. Sure I’ll snap out of it. But every time I go to therapy I see an ambulance zooming past and cry because mam would always go alone and have to wait for hospital transport. I wish I could have made it easier for her but I wasn’t allowed to go in and it was often during the middle of the night. Dad didn’t even take her. I wish she hadn’t died. I can’t be without her.
Evening everyone
Really enjoyed my play at the Bridge Theatre - such a lovely modern venue . Packed on the grass and around Tower Bridge although not too hot ( unlike the train coming back which was boiling) .
The play was a difficult subject matter - death and grief but it was done in a way that wasnt insulting or upsetting . It is a dark comedy with lots of adult themes and profanity and jokes about religion . There was a brilliant line about Henry the 8th that had everyone in stitches.
Alex Jennings is a really good actor and has won a few Olivier awards over the years and been in loads of films and TV .
Great to see some real quality theatre this weekend.
Hope you are all well and not too hot
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Nice to hear from you Christine
It’s awful isn’t it being alone. I’ve had a pretty crap week too and just needed to get to the theatre today as that is my one and only joy at the moment.
Dont worry about Dads birthday ,I know you are all here for me and that is more than a lot of my so called family are !
Hope you have an upturn in how you are feeling soon . As we know it is like a rollercoaster all the time this journey of grief.
We are all here to support you and each other.
Sending lots of love and best wishes
Neil x
I’m so sorry you are having a tough time Christine. You don’t have to put a face on here, we understand and you won’t bring us down. I wish there was a magic wand I could use or piece of magic advice I could give you
You and your mum had such a wonderful bond and it’s so difficult to find how to still have that bond in your heart and life when they are not physically here
I don’t think you realise how much you give out, this thread because of you is a literal lifeline for many of us.
You are so worthy and important to us. I know that doesn’t take away your pain but I hope you can feel the love
Beki x
Hi Christine,
I’ve just sent you a reply to your message to me.
We are all here for you, and as I said in my other message don’t frighten yourself with the internet, wait until a doctor tells you what’s wrong. Grieving gives you physical symptoms as well as emotional ones it might be just that simple.
What’s not helping is your neighbour, getting a proper fence barrier will help with your privacy. I think we should all come round and sort him out for upsetting you.
Keep up with your garden, your mum can see from her heavenly cloud what you are doing to it and when the sun shines that’s her and all the mum’s smiling down. (And dad’s Neil)
I know what you mean about ambulances and covid, it was cruel that our loved ones had to endure hospital on their own. I wasn’t allowed to go with Doug the day he died and never thought as I said goodbye to him it would be the last time he would speak to me. I can’t change it I just have to accept it.
Sending love and a huge hug, we will all get through this together.
Love
Debbie X
Hi Christine,
I’m sorry to read you’re in a bad place. What Beki said is true though. For us you’ve been a lifeline. Seeing your garden coke together and you always make me laugh. We all love you and hate that you’re in this pain. But we are here for you and always will be.
Please hang on. You mean the world to us.
The girls send you lots of love, hugs and kisses.
Nic xxx
Hi Neil,
Love the photos, I like Alex Jennings seen him in one or things on TV that have always been a good watch.
Was London as hot as it looks on the tower bridge photo, at least the theatre had air conditioning.
We’ve all got to be careful over the next few days so look after yourself and speak to you soon.
Debbie X
Hi Neil,
Glad today was good for you. Looks like a good play. Thank you for the photos. Always nice to see. Have you got any shows booked for next week?
Still like the sound of the film you saw and will keep an eye on when it goes on to prime or something.
I hope you have a good evening.
Love Nic xxx
Hi Nic and Debbie
It was very warm in London but not uncomfortably hot and the theatre was lovely and cool .
Alex Jennings is a great actor and he was tremendous as the vicar. Lots of empty seats which was a shame- possibly to do with the weather but other shows recently been the same .
Got another play next Saturday and it’s my first dabble into Shakespeare - one of my grey areas so see how I manage that.
Sending lots of love
Neil x
Hello Christine
So sorry you have been feeling so distressed.
I often think of what you are up to and how you are managing. Had thought many a time of private messaging to check on you but didn’t want to intrude.
I know what you mean about doing things and feeling as you explain. It feels like being two people in a way and if I stopped I’d just completely come apart and breakdown. This is the time of year everything started going wrong and things are coming into sharper focus and I’ve really struggled myself as well. I’m not dealing with things just “avoiding”.
Last night was the first night I’ve been so unwell and Mum not here. I am petrified of vomiting and haven’t been sick in a year but last night woke up feeling so poorly. Got to the bathroom, white as a sheet, just waiting for the worst. Brother wanted to use bathroom so went out but after he had “been” he just walked out without flushing leaving me to go back in to a stinky toilet. Can you believe that. Couldn’t give a toss that I was ill, has all the empathy of a marble. There I was panicking, what if it’s a heart attack etc. I wasn’t sick in the end, it passed, it was probably more to do with the three chocolate caramel Donuts I had just brought back from Asda.
My Brother is away all next week for work so I’ll have Zoe alone. I’m so terrified of her getting ill or something going wrong. I’m a nervous wreck. It’s a dog that puts everything in its mouth. It would be easier to ask the girl from nextdoor but one if she wanted to swap Zoe for a couple of her toddlers for a week! On the upside I’ll only be getting barked at by the dog alone and not my brother. No rolling eyes, sarcasm, put downs. Unlike my brother, Zoe is housetrained so that’s a plus!
Don’t really know of any news to lift your spirits a tiny bit. I took some pictures to put up but they never look as good as in real life! I’ve made the garden look nice but wish mum could have taken advantage of it. What I have done I’ve got from being inspired from what you’ve done. If I hadn’t of been following your garden I don’t think I’d have had the motivation. At the minute I’m trying to convert a nice dress to a skirt. I sew by hand even though I have a machine. Find it therapeutic.
I am so sorry about your neighbour from Hell Christine. I wish I knew of a solution. It must be making you feel so vulnerable on top of everything else. Glad you’ve got some fencing coming to keep his eyes out. And as for any deliveries I’d leave a note on the door saying I’m not in and NOT to leave any parcels on the doorstep if you were out.
Well, hope I’ve not put you off your full English breakfast with my puking up story! I hope you have a bit of respite from feeling so sad. I know it’s always there for all of us but sometimes there’s just a little something that can divert our attention for a bit and give us a bit of a break.
Speak again, much love for now. xx
Hi everyone,
It does help knowing you are all there and thinking of me as I do you. I feel so abandoned by my family and don’t know why my motivation has dropped off. It’s so hard keep going. The creep isn’t in so I’ll try to get some pics of the garden and update you all today. It’s really hard at weekends when he is here but even harder that I have to have the windows open knowing he could crawl through when I’m not in the room. That’s how frightened I am. I pull the raffia blinds down so I might hear him if he tried. I know he wouldn’t dare with everyone in their gardens but its the fear because of him getting in through the loft. Nothing was done to him. He got away with it. I have to hear him laughing in the garden while I hide in the house. I want something horrible to happen to him. I’ve already exposed him for what he has done by talking loudly on the phone for neighbours to hear. My neighbour / friend with the cats says I need to get over it. How do I do that when the Council protects him. It’s like carrying a dead weight around with me.
Tina you did make me laugh through the tears a few times in your post. I can’t understand why your brother is so cruel to you. I really don’t. And it’s so easy to imagine what we would do in your situation but not when we’re in it. I know that myself. It took such courage to walk away from my old life. I’m glad I did. But in return I am isolated and live a very solitary existence. I like the freedom it brings to manage my time without demands or negotiation from a relationship but when I’m feeling like this I feel like nothing matters and everything is pointless.
Knowing my garden has inspired and given joy gives me a push to get back out there today. I have quite a bit of shade so I’ll see if I can take new pics. Going to be 30 today and 37 tomorrow and Tues. Not sure if I’ll get to my therapy. Don’t want the car to overheat and get stranded.
Hope I have a few lollies left after gorging on them yesterday. I hope Zoe behaves herself in this heat. Might be too hot for her to get up to her usual mischief. Do you have a paddling pool for her to lounge about in? Toddlers would be so much easier. Your brother is like a massive naughty toddler! Enjoy your freedom without him here this week. It will give you an idea of what living alone feels like, making a move back to your old house a more realistic possibility. I think if you had a good friend to help you you wouldn’t be there. And I wouldn’t be isolated the way I am. Life is so hard. My mam made my life feel worthwhile. I don’t have anyone else caring about me to even notice I’m upset. Apart from you lovely people. I really do value your friendship. Being back here makes me feel less alone. Thank you all. xxx
Hi Christine,
I am so sorry to read of you feeling so bereft just now x. However as the others have all said this is a safe space to say what you want and we won’t judge or be brought down with you being honest.
Just now we all seem to be in the same boat as struggling and feeling down at some point lately x I really think it’s the weather and all you hear is people going on holiday etc and we think about what times we could and should be having but it’s all been cruelly ripped away from us x
I’m not going to patronise you with saying cliches like ‘it will get better’ etc as we just don’t know that. I would like to believe and personally need to believe it will get easier and that I will be able to map out a new form of existence for myself but everyone is different and moves at their own pace.
The fact that despite feeling so low and desperate you are still swimming, doing your garden when Creep isn’t about etc x that gives me a teeny bit hope that you aren’t ready to throw in the towel quite yet. I know you have tests coming up you were saying and I for one hope you don’t have a nasty disease as you still have so much to teach me/us about gardening and despite what you may believe too many people would miss you x
Hopefully you’ll get to your therapy on Tuesday as it may help to talk some things out x
Always here for you 
xx
Hi Neil,
That play sounds very interesting as usually like black comedy x
Your photos are lovely and really like the Tower Bridge photo x I didn’t even know there was a theatre down there and looks very fresh and modern x
What Shakespeare play is it? I always loved Shakespeare which none of my friends understood lol x the last one I saw was an open air play of As You Like It at Glastonbury Abbey…great night out x
I’m glad it’s not the nice neighbour with the kid but as you said losing anyone who knew your mum is like thread snapping x
A friend at work who knew my mum pretty much all his life starting talking to me about her last week and I was taken aback at hearing someone use her name out loud for some reason….it made me happy that someone was remembering her but sad that he was having to use the past tense…I focused on the happy x
Hope you are having a better couple of days and take care in this heat x
Much love 
x
Hi Suzanne,
Thank you. Everyone has been so supportive. I think I’m a combo of being exhausted and probably covid. Being busy helps me run from grief and when I’m not able to get out in the garden it catches up with me. But I thought getting out with the swimming would help. It doesn’t, though I do enjoy it while its happening. I just keep imagining everyone dieing and wondering how long they have left and what they’ll die of. If we were rewarded with long life for being good and kind my mam would live forever. Its so unfair. And because it was quick (a week) and then everyone turned on me I think I haven’t processed it properly. Being busy just means I’m not sitting crying. I’ve been out doing lots of jobs today, despite the heat. Nearly eight months now and I still want to visit her in her coffin at the chapel of rest. I keep seeing her fingers and it makes me cry. She was always so gentle. I just want her to come back. But if the tests do come back as cancer I won’t have any treatment because it will be my ticket out of here, to be with her sooner than I thought. My life is so empty without her. A nice garden doesn’t compensate in any way. I just can’t get over losing her, or see any point in moving on with my life. I’m terrified my therapist will die and leave me. I’ll have nobody then. I have missed you all with not posting and I’m glad I’m ‘back in the game’ as Micky Flanagan would say (my fave comedian). I’m sure my mood will improve and not be so black but its always there, beneath the motivation. I’ll post my pics tomorrow when it’s too hot to do anything as I’ve just come in from the garden and haven’t eaten today.
xxx
Hi Suzanne
The Bridge is one of my favourite theatres and you get that fabulous view of Tower Bridge as a bonus. They have an immersive production of Guys and Dolls on there next year which I will book for.
The Shakespeare play I’m seeing is Much Ado About Nothing at the National Theatre. Katherine Parkinson leads the cast and it’s set in the 1940s . Getting some good early reviews so looking forward to it. I cant sit in the Globe for nearly 3hours on their uncomfortable looking seats for their production .I would do a tour there though!
Got to get through the week first and this heat. Doing my shopping at 7am tomorrow when they first open
Speak again soon
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Christine, we are all here for you, you’re not alone. Just look after yourself making sure you eat and drink in this heat. I will speak to you again tomorrow,
Love Debbie X
